Hello, Colts fans. The key to football is to score more points than the other guys.
I know this and you know this, but our friends in the media need something to talk about in order to justify their jobs. Earlier this summer, a certain baseball announcer acknowledged to me that yes, I was right, the team really does just need to score more than the other guys. Yet each time a game rolls around, there he is giving us keys to the game that never include the bit about scoring.
As he is a highly-compensated professional, I figure that the creation of keys that turn no locks must be a growth industry. So now, it’s my turn.
Who: The mediocre Indianapolis Colts vs. the equally as mediocre New York Jets.
What: Week 13 of the 2016 NFL season.
Where: MetLife Stadium, E. Rutherford, NJ.
When: 8:15 PM Eastern. Monday, December 5th. Monday night foosball! When you’re sitting around Sunday wondering what to do, you can check out the other games here. For those of you in Indiana – save for the Chicago area, it appears – there’s an early game that will surely attract your attention: Houston and Green Bay. Go Pack Go.
Why the Colts will score more than the other guys:
1. 1 MetLife Stadium Dr., E. Rutherford, NJ. 07073
This is the stadium address. Notice the state abbreviation? That’s right, it’s New Jersey. Or Joisey, if you prefer to be authentic. I’m sorry, but you can’t play in New Jersey and call yourself “New York.” I don’t care if East Rutherford is 10 miles away or whatever. My geographical OCD will not stand for it. Change your name, Jets. You too, Giants.
+10 for the Colts
As decent, upstanding individuals, we were all rooting for some #FitzMagic for the Jets against the hated Patriots last weekend. It almost happened, but on the last series Ryan Fitzpatrick lost a fumble thanks to some poor blocking by former Colt Ben Ijalana. Former Colt Ben Ijalana. Former Colt. Former Colt. That’s right, Andrew Luck isn’t the only guy who gets destroyed by linemen who were picked by the Colts.
I had something else witty to add to the above but then someone retweeted one of the Texans cheerleaders’ swimsuit calendar pictures and I completely lost my train of thought, my car keys, my name, everything. I’m not going to post the tweet, but fellas, you may wish to check out HTC Mallory M (and thank me later).
Alright, so where was I? Oh yeah, Fitzpatrick.
With two minutes remaining and the Colts leading 22-20, the Jets get the ball with a chance for a little #FitzMagic to happen. After a 35-yard Brandon Marshall catch and run takes the ball inside the Colts’ 40, an injury time out is called after Art Jones stays down on the field. After 6 minutes of commercials, ESPN reports Jones is out after being the 8th Colts player to be concussed during the game. Things are looking grim for the Colts.
But it gets better.
Although in field goal range, the Jets elect to throw again on the next play. Fitzpatrick hits a wide open (again) Marshall on a crossing route when boom! TJ Green, going for the big hit, instead hits D’Qwell Jackson helmet to helmet and spins Jackson into Marshall, knocking the ball free. It bounces right into the hands of Marcus Dugan, who takes it 78 yards for the game clinching score. Jackson becomes the 9th Colt to be concussed during the game, but it doesn’t matter because Dugan scores. Later, Chris Berman will highlight Dugan’s “rumblin’, bumblin’, stumblin’ while the rest of America cringes, and Dugan will later be nominated by the ESPY’s for worst touchdown dance by a white guy. It doesn’t matter.
3. Allie J
Since our favorite now retired cheerleader has gotten married, she’s been in ignoration (yes, that’s a word) mode, and it’s terribly sad. I meant to ask how her Thanksgiving went, but didn’t because I was afraid she was out of data on her cell phone plan (she seems to have an issue with this). I’m certain Allie had the greatest Thanksgiving of all-time, with lots of ham and mac n’ cheese and mashed taters and wine and all of that good stuff.
I didn’t ask Allie for a reason why the Colts will score more than the Jets, but I’m fairly certain she told me via osmosis that Andrew Luck would throw two TD passes and that the Colts would win. Who am I to argue?
Whew. *fans self*
How the Jets will win:
1. Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!
That’s right, I’ve found another guest fan. Although I didn’t tell her this post would be 95% “bull nonsense,” I was glad she agreed to contribute a few words. “She” is the amazing Marcia. When I creeped on her Twitter page I saw 36 of my followers who follow her as well, and this figure seems way too low to me. Follow her.
A native Floridian, Marcia has called New York home for over 20 years now. Even better, she’s a bartender. If you can handle bartending in New York, you can handle just about anything. The late, great college basketball coach and announcer Al McGuire had a saying that’s stuck with me. It was something like this: “You want an education? Tend bar for 6 months and drive a cab for 6 months. Then you’ll have a Master’s and a Doctorate.” Al was a smart guy.
Marcia hosts a (usually) weekly podcast called “The XO Show” with her cohost Jayson. While the show is New York sports based and most of the guests have New York roots, Marcia has managed to snare the likes of Gregg Doyel as a guest. It’s the kind of show I like, because the topics are sports related, but any and everything can come up (and usually does). Yours truly has been on a few times, and you may catch me on next week to recap the game with Marcia and Jayson (follow him on Twitter as well, you degenerates).
I asked Marcia to give her thoughts on the game, and this is what she had to say: