Why The Colts Will Score More Than The Other Guys - Stillers Edition

Why The Colts Will Score More Than The Other Guys - Stillers Edition


Why The Colts Will Score More Than The Other Guys - Stillers Edition


Hello, Colts fans. The key to football is to score more points than the other guys.

I know this and you know this, but our friends in the media need something to talk about in order to justify their jobs. Earlier this summer, a certain baseball announcer acknowledged to me that yes, I was right, the team really does just need to score more than the other guys. Yet each time a game rolls around, there he is giving us keys to the game that never include the bit about scoring.

As he is a highly-compensated professional, I figure that the creation of keys that turn no locks must be a growth industry. So now, it’s my turn.

Welcome to Why The Colts Will Score More Than The Other Guys

Who: The Pittsburgh Stillers vs. the Indianapolis Colts.

What: Week 10 of the 2017 NFL season.

Where: Lucas Oil Stadium, Indianapolis, IN.

When: 1 PM Eastern, Sunday, November 12th. TV: CBS. Once again we’re getting Greg Gumbel and the oft-concussed Trent Green. I’m fired up. If you get tired of listening to them, you can peruse other games right here.

Why the Colts will score more than the other guys:

1. The Unforgettable Fire

On this day, both defenses decide to take the day off. Jacoby Brisket and Ben Roethlisberger spend the day torching their opponents, much to the delight of Colts fans, who yearn for the days of Star Wars Numbers.

With under 2 minutes to play, the Colts take over on their own 30, but with no time outs thanks to the continued incompetence of Charles Pagano. #ChuckNay. Brisket throws three incompletions, the third coming on a drop by Kamar Aiken which would’ve been a first down and more. It’s 4th and game…

At the snap, TY Hilton bursts off the line, does a double move, here’s the pass…he’s got it! He’s at the 20…10…5…Touchdown! The place is going bonkers. Colts lead!

Eschewing his standard “TY” touchdown dance, Hilton walks over to Blue, who hands him a bag and what appears to be a small container. Hilton empties the bag – which was full of Vontae Davis jerseys – onto the ground and takes the container – lighter fluid – and douses them before producing a match and setting them afire. As Hilton does his best “Jimi Hendrix at Woodstock” routine, and The Doors’ “Light My Fire” blares over the Lucas Oil PA, the flames fly high into the stadium rafters.

Suddenly, a disheveled looking man races onto the field with the speed of a truly healthy NFL player. It’s Vontae Davis! Things are about to get interesting. Davis is just about to confront Hilton when out of nowhere TJ Green lays a vicious helmet-to-head shot, knocking Davis down.

Once the fire is doused and order is restored, referee Clete Blakeman announces Hilton has been flagged for unsportsmanlike conduct. He will later be fined $100,000 by Roger Goodell for destruction of NFL property. Blakeman also announces Green has been ejected from the game, because “No Colts fans want to see you on the field.” Davis is arrested for trespassing, and is caught on camera insisting to IMPD officers that his groin hurts and he must be carted off the field and to the hospital for immediate surgery.

On the ensuing series, Quincy Wilson picks off Roethlisberger, sealing a truly memorable Colts win.

2. Colts cheerleader Jessica G

Today is the Colts’ Veterans Day salute, so Jessica and friends will be sporting military gear. The son of a former Marine, I love our military, and am always thankful for the sacrifices by so many. Mad respect.

Let’s see what Jessica’s been up to…

Jessica is feeling that love for the military. And those eyes, my goodness…

But wait…

Jessica apparently yearns for the days when Indiana’s weather isn’t so harsh, because she put this on Twitter…

Oh my *fans self*

Jessica 100% believes everything I said about TY Hilton’s touchdown and celebration, although she was unable for comment due to team rules.

But wait…

If you’re a loyal reader – in other words, my mom – you know that in the past for this article I’ve included a fan from the opposing team. Today is that day.

Why the Stillers will win:

1. What’s up, Doc?

Today’s guest is my good friend, Dr. Melanie Friedlander. That’s right, folks, she’s a real life physician. Doc is also a die hard Stillers and all around NFL fan, and I’m happy to include her in today’s article. Also, I wish I lived in California. You can follow Doc on Twitter here.

Here’s what she has to say about today’s game (hint: it mentions nothing about a TY Hilton touchdown dance):

Ok, as we say in Pittsburgh, #HereWeGo…
The Steelers should totally win this game in Indy.  Any yinzer worth his weight in Primanti’s sammiches will go on about how the Steelers always lose the games they should win, Bad Ben often appears in road games and throws to the other team, and the Colts pipe in fake crowd noise (I was there during the 2-14 season and there’s no way the totally chill home crowd made all that noise on 3rd down), which makes it hard for the offensive line.  But Mike Tomlin has a 8-4 record coming off a bye week.  And you want to know the craziest stat? This may be the first time since Week 2 of 2014 that ALL 22 starters for the Pittsburgh Steelers take the field.  So my money is on the Killer Bs and this young D to come home with a W.
Shot fired! And yikes, they’re all healthy? We’re screwed.
Mel’s probably right, the Stillers will win, but I can’t break with tradition.
Colts 45, Stillers 41

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