Good morning, everyone.
We gather here today to mourn the loss of the 2017-18 Philadelphia Flyers (pictured below).
Though your time with us was short (and longer than anyone expected), you will not be forgotten. See, you played an important a role with your miserable, pathetic existence. You became the 9th straight team that the Penguins rolled through in the postseason. That’s great!
So hang your heads high in your noose of despair. You deserve it.
Because, ya know, regardless of whether or not your Western PA rivals go on to win their 3rd straight Cup (and 6th since the arbitrary year of…let’s say…1975?), you will once again be relegated to the footnotes.
Frankly, that’s where you and your city belong. Irrelevance is a much better look on you anyway.
LINEUP
In @emalkin71geno's absence, Patric Hornqvist will wear the "A".
Time to step up. pic.twitter.com/sxyw9IlkX6
— Pittsburgh Penguins (@penguins) April 22, 2018
While both teams were dealing with injuries to key players, only Malkin would miss after Lehtera fell on his leg in Game 5. Hornqvist returned to Sid’s RW, replacing Simon, allowing Sheahan to bump up and fill admirably in 71’s slot. Rowney was deemed healthy enough to play, slotting in to split ZAR and The Kuhn. No changes to the back end. Murr vs. Neuvirth in the pipes.
GOALS
PHI – 1st Pd./2:15 – Couturier; A: Simmonds, Laughton – 1-0
Right off the hop, the Flyers looked every bit of a team that was running on pure emotion, setting the tone with two big hits on the first two shifts of the game. They kept rolling on the Peng, opening the scoring just 2:15 in on the heels of what was the Pens best shift of the early portion of the tilt. Unsurprisingly, it came from Sheary-Brassers-Rust, but as they worked the perimeter, Rust’s pass looking for Jultz got tipped away by Couturier’s torn MCL, releasing Laughton to get in a foot race for the loose puck with Ruhwedel.
Ruh got smoked, Murr broke up the centering feed, but the Pens were more stretched and overloaded than an casting couch audition. Simmonds collected the deflected pass, driving straight to the net and getting his shot to trickle through Murr. Ruh and Oleksiak recovered enough to create a mad scramble in which Couturier managed to bury the loose puck.
PIT – 1st Pd./6:30 – Crosby; A: Letang, Dumoulin – 1-1
Just over 4 minutes later, Crosby showed up in a big way to bring the Pens back and Make Sprops Great Again. Just as you draw up an offensive zone draw, Crosby won it with some help from Hornqvist to get it to Dumo at the point. He put it on a tee for a Tanger blast that Neuvirth kicked right out to Crosby going right to goal time.
https://gfycat.com/gifs/detail/UnselfishLawfulAppaloosa
With his assist on Crosby's goal, @Letang_58 surpasses Larry Murphy and establishes a new Penguins record for playoff points by a defenseman. 👏 pic.twitter.com/ghtOuU5hGV
— Pittsburgh Penguins (@penguins) April 22, 2018
Haters will say he still sucks.
PIT – 1st Pd./7:17 – Hagelin; A: Phil!, Sheahan – 2-1
And under a minute later, the Pens took their first lead of the game, capitalizing off a Flyers turnover at the blue line after the $30M Man put a pass into the feet of his own player. Sheahan snagged it and burned down the wing, reversing it to Phil! behind the net. MacDonald left Hags alone in front because he’s definitely actually a good d-man, allowing 81 to find 62 for the banger.
https://gfycat.com//gifs/detail/TornFarIndochinahogdeer
PHI – 1st Pd./15:48 – MacDonald; A: Provorov, Couturier – 2-2
But as the period worked down to a close, the Flyers 3rd line with Coots and Simmonds popped up again to punish the Pens and clown Ruhwedel once more. Great cycle play and puck support along the wall set the stage for Simmonds and Couturier to collect the puck around Crosby behind the net, with the latter feeding Provorov at the point to put it on a tee of his own for $30M to drop a clapper on net, beating Murr through the perfect Simmonds screen in front. Nothing Money could do there.
PHI – 2nd Pd./0:40 – Couturier; A: Read – 3-2
That’d be how the first period would finish, despite Laughton getting whistled for interfering with Brassard and Neuvirth making a NSFW save on Sheary to keep it level.
Neuvirth gets juuuuust enough of a piece of the puck to put Sheary's shot off the post. Unreal save. pic.twitter.com/EYkNoEgiF4
— nerd king geoff (@geoffwithano) April 22, 2018
But as the last 35 seconds of the PP wound down and the Pens couldn’t do much with it on the fresh sheet of ice, it was Couturier once again providing the national hockey media with a narrative of being a warrior or some shit, steaming in on a breakaway on Murr and holding off Hornqvist after Hornqvist’s errant pass went off Read to release Coots. Bad bad bad play all around, but, spoiler alert: Hornqvist would totally redeem himself.
https://gfycat.com/gifs/detail/GrandioseAchingElver
PHI – 2nd Pd./12:14 – Laughton; A: Couturier – 4-2
After the goal, it became the calm before the storm. But the storm was coming hard and it was coming fast. First, Giroux tried to kill and maybe successfully killed Hagelin on a borderline hit, who did not return to the game.
https://gfycat.com/gifs/detail/RewardingFalseCow
With the Flyers setting the physical tone and making a statement (the statement was: hits don’t win hockey games), they’d double the lead they created just 40 seconds into the period just past the midway point. The Pens were skating hard and had to go through hell to work the puck in deep only to lose it to Couturier, who hit Laughton jumping in behind a puck-watching Oleksiak to take the admittedly sick stretch pass to walk in and beat Murray short side on a shot that he very much needs to save.
https://gfycat.com/ClassicHarmfulCatbird
PIT – 2nd Pd./13:35 – Hornqvist; A: Guentzel, Crosby – 4-3
However, Hornqvist and Co. weren’t about to be outdone, pulling it back about a minute later. Can’t write nearly enough about how badly the Pens missed 72 on the forecheck and his running around caused Gudas to piss himself, failing to properly clear the puck like a real boy that doesn’t suck ass at ice hockey by turning it over to Maatta at the point. What followed next was a passing sequence between Crosby and Guentzel that would’ve taken even the most impotent among us from 6 to midnight to set up Hornqvist for the tapperoo.
https://gfycat.com/gifs/detail/ShamefulIllfatedDragonfly
PIT – 2nd Pd./19:06 – Guentzel; A: Maatta, Hornqvist – 4-4
Somewhere in there after the Pens pulled within 1, Travis Konecny filled his diaper after a clean Sheary hit, ripping his lid off and throwing a cross-check in there after the skirmish. Somehow they each only got a single penalty instead of Konecny getting an extra one for eating rocks on the ice.
https://gfycat.com/gifs/detail/SnappyLittleAngelfish
But after the 2 minutes of 4v4, the Pens came alive and came big. Once again, it started and ended with a batshit insane forecheck from the Pens top line. Once again, it started and ended with Radko Gudas pissing all over himself and his team like they were the presidential suite beds in the Ritz-Carlton Moscow. He ended up getting clowned by Guentzel about 3 times, Crosby twice, then disappeared into oblivion as Guentzel went straight to the net to tip home the Maatta wrister and take us into the 2nd intermission even steven.
https://gfycat.com/PerfectBlackAlpineroadguidetigerbeetle
https://gfycat.com/gifs/detail/WelloffPleasingIndianglassfish
PIT – 3rd Pd./0:30 – Guentzel; A: Phil!, Provorov – 5-4
And just 30 seconds into the 3rd, Playoff Bake popped back up with the mojo to put the Pens up again. Flyers took control of the puck off the opening draw, got a clear from the Pens, but as Provorov backed up to try to set up the breakout, Phil! jumped all over his balls to steal the puck, sell shot, and feed Jake Guentzel Show to put the first nail in the coffin.
https://gfycat.com/RespectfulPowerlessFanworms
Ivan Provostunned, baby.
https://gfycat.com/gifs/detail/LeanParchedChanticleer
PIT – 3rd Pd./12:48 – Guentzel; A: Crosby, Letang – 6-4
Following that backbreaker to open the final frame, the Penguins kept the Flyers without a shot for nearly 12 minutes, including a 2 minute stretch with Dumo in the box for throwing the puck over the glass. A few minutes later, we got some 4v4 with Guentzel going off for interference and Voracek getting caught for embellishment on the play. Just 30 seconds into that 4v4, Letang went apeshit, crosschecking the hell out of a diving Couturier to put the Pens on a 3v4 for nearly 90 seconds. When the Flyers finally decided shooting the puck is a good thing, Murr was up to the task of being the Penguins best penalty killer, killing everything off and setting the table for the feast that would follow.
As soon as Letang was released from his cage, he decided to play the role of destroyer, chasing down the final PK clearance and sending Couturier ass over dome on a basic poke check. If Gudas didn’t already tear Couturier’s MCL, this dive surely would’ve done it. What a chickenshit player Couturier is.
With the focus being on Letang and Crosby lurking, Guentzel found himself free and clear as 58 and 87 freed the puck up, setting Bake up to just lay into one and blow it by Neuvirth to complete the hattie.
https://gfycat.com/ImmaterialSlipperyIbadanmalimbe
Celly game so strong on this kid pic.twitter.com/oiIgB4BvYR
— nerd king geoff (@geoffwithano) April 22, 2018
PIT – 3rd Pd./12:58 – Guentzel; A: Hornqvist, Letang – 7-4
On the very next faceoff, Provorov took the ValFil-won draw, tried to go deep with it but only found Letang again. Good Boy Kris airlifted his own clearance, freeing up Hornqvist to go right for the jugular, waiting for $30M Andrew MacDonald to go down and feeding Jake on the back post to complete the foursome. Bingo bango.
https://gfycat.com/ThickAridBluebottle
PHI – 3rd Pd./17:07 – Couturier; A: Giroux – 7-5
By the time Dave Hakstol was able to pull Neuvirth for the extra skater, it didn’t much matter because late 3 goal leads are only pissed away by that team in Toronto. Couturier completed a hat trick of his own after Sheahan’s clearance ended up on the stick of Giroux, but it was nothing more than a consolation prize at that point.
https://gfycat.com/gifs/detail/InexperiencedArcticCondor
PIT – 3rd Pd./19:29 – ENG – Rust; A: Provorov – 8-5
Especially when Provorov decided to contribute more to the Penguins success, giving the puck away to Bryan Fucking Rust in the neutral zone for the gimme goal with 31 left.
https://gfycat.com/gifs/detail/SelfassuredMiserableDwarfmongoose
Just being best buds.
https://gfycat.com/gifs/detail/JadedVariableHartebeest
The Flyers faithful used this as an opportunity to waste full cans of beer, launching them onto the ice. Jake was having none of it.
Jake's reaction to these animals throwing stuff on the ice is perfection pic.twitter.com/cAhjOAEByN
— nerd king geoff (@geoffwithano) April 22, 2018
https://gfycat.com/gifs/detail/OblongNecessaryEidolonhelvum
Game.
https://gfycat.com/gifs/detail/EnragedExemplaryBushsqueaker
Smoothest baton passing to ever happen.
https://gfycat.com/gifs/detail/YoungPositiveAlabamamapturtle
NOTES
- This is precisely the result of the Penguins “getting their shit together.”
- Murr had himself a rough game, but made his money with the big penalty killing efforts in the 3rd.
- Give both Playoff Jake and Sid 6G-7A-13P in 6 games this series. What performances.
Washington heads to Columbus for Game 6 of that series Monday night with the Caps up 3-2. Not as if they haven’t blown a lead at all this postseason. Pens are waiting. Fuck ’em all. LGP.
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