Hello, Colts fans. The key to football is to score more points than the other guys.
I know this and you know this, but our friends in the media need something to talk about in order to justify their jobs. Earlier this summer, a certain baseball announcer acknowledged to me that yes, I was right, the team really does just need to score more than the other guys. Yet each time a game rolls around, there he is giving us keys to the game that never include the bit about scoring more than the other guys.
As he is a highly-compensated professional, I figure that the creation of keys that turn no locks must be a growth industry. So now, it’s my turn.
Welcome to Why The Colts Will Score More Than The Other Guys
Who: The Indianapolis Colts vs the Philadelphia Eagles.
What: Week 3 of the 2018 NFL season. After a nice win in Maryland, the stakes get higher this trip east. The Eagles are defending champions, and Carson Wentz is back.
Where: Lincoln Financial Field, Philadelphia, PA. Fun fact: Temple University pays the Eagles $1 million a year to play their home games at The Linc. That’s a nice racket if you can get it.
When: 1 PM Eastern, Sunday, September 23rd. TV: FOX. This is the team’s first appearance on FOX this season, and we’ll have Chris Myers and Daryl Johnston on the call. The only thing I have to say about this is, at least it’s not Joe Buck and Troy Aikman. If you want to switch channels
because the Colts are getting pounded, to see what else is on, you can do so here.
How the Colts will score more than the other guys:
Creativity is hard, man. This is my favorite article to write, and as the intro loosely explains, it was indeed inspired by a conversation with a real life professional announcer. Over the years, I’ve gladly insulted the cities of Nashville and Jacksonville, had JJ Watt get knocked out pregame by an errant throw of a Red Gold ketchup bottle from my beloved former Colt cheerleader Allie J, had TJ Green tweet middle finger emojis to us fans even though it had nothing at all to do with the game, and lastly, summoned the spirit of Patrick Swayze as played by Andy Reid (wait for it, pic to come) in a loose retelling of the movie “Ghost.” I’ve come up with some crazy stuff over the years, and enjoyed every second of it. I cannot tell you all enough how much it means to me that people enjoy this article.
But wait, before I go any further I owe you all a pic.
Anyway, last week there was no article. With all of the historical and pop culture references I’ve twisted into my own over the years, you’d think a game near the nation’s capital would’ve been easy to tap into. It wasn’t. I just couldn’t find inspiration.
I was in that same boat for this week’s game until a text conversation inspired me. Better late than never, I guess.
1. Colts cheerleader Natsuki
Natsuki was nominated by my man Rob, who is one of my favorite Colts fans. When you write an article and include Bert Jones, a name many Colts fans have forgotten, and someone thanks you for including Bert, you know that person’s a fan. Indeed, his twitter handle says it all (follow him or die trying. Thanks).
Anyway, let’s see what Natsuki is up to…
The moves like Jagger, or something.
Happy early Merry Christmas all!
Last but not least…those eyes. My word *fans self*
2. Colts Cheerleader Ambria
Ambria was nominated by another good buddy, Jewels. Jewels just happens to be married to Rob, or, perhaps a more accurate way to put it is, puts up with his BS. Sorry, it had to be said. She also writes about the Colts, and while I don’t have a link handy, if you hit her up I know she’ll be happy to share it with you. Good stuff, Jewels. Keep it going.
First, we’ll let Ambria tell her own story or something. And show off some moves.
When your team’s playing the Eagles, you gotta bring some patriotism to the party, right? And yes, I’m well aware the Statue of Liberty isn’t in Philadelphia. Work with me here, folks.
Lastly, yay, I found a swimsuit pic. This is Ambria earlier this year at some location we were not invited to.
3. Colts cheerleader Sammy T.
Regular readers know that Sammy is no stranger to this article. She was nominated by my good friend DJ. At some point when he stops slacking off, DJ will graduate from Indiana University with a degree in Nonprofit Management. Nonprofit Management? What in the hell is that? (Don’t lie, your reaction was the same). Actually, I know why. Or, at least I’m close.
When DJ was younger, he was the unfortunate recipient of a stroke. As a parent myself, I can only imagine what this experience was like for his parents. Something I’ll bet they learned pretty quickly is that their son is a tough *expletive* with a positive outlook who was not going to be held down by something as measly as a stroke.
Now, Nonprofit Management. I’m betting it has to do with this (please note: link will purposely open in a new window): The IU Dance Marathon. The IUDM is a year-long fundraising effort to benefit Riley Hospital for Children in Indianapolis, and culminates with a dance marathon this November 2-4.
I’ll say one more thing about Riley before we move on to Sammy: As someone who has taken his own kid on that trip to Riley, as someone who has sat in their waiting areas and seen the bald headed kids and the kids who can’t walk, I’m telling you, it’s a powerful image that you will not forget. Please donate.
Alright, now stop crying you sissies.
Would you look at that? Sammy has connections to Riley as well. What a coincidence!
I’d vote for her
Who doesn’t love the Indy 500?
You didn’t think I was going to move on without a bathing suit pic, right? Right?
My goodness. *passes out*
Normally we’d be done at this point, but today I have to give a reason why the Eagles can win.
How the Eagles will win:
The person who is probably – aside from my family – the most special person to me happens to have someone special to her who likes the Eagles. Look, we all make bad decisions in life, but I’ll let this one go (*cough* bandwagon fan *cough*) this time. I just had to come up with a reason the Eagles will win. I just had to.
1. Eagles cheerleader Vanessa.
I’m out, and so are the Eagles. Let freedom ring!
Colts 28, Eagles 27