Hello, Colts fans. The key to football is to score more points than the other guys.
I know this and you know this, but our friends in the media need something to talk about in order to justify their jobs. Earlier this summer, a certain baseball announcer acknowledged to me that yes, I was right, the team really does just need to score more than the other guys. Yet each time a game rolls around, there he is giving us keys to the game that never include the bit about scoring more than the other guys.
As he is a highly-compensated professional, I figure that the creation of keys that turn no locks must be a growth industry. So now, it’s my turn.
Welcome to Why The Colts Will Score More Than The Other Guys
Who: The Houston Texans vs. the Indianapolis Colts.
What: Week 4 of the 2018 NFL season. You didn’t read this here, but a quarter of the season is already gone, folks. This is the first divisional game of the season for the Colts, and like every other game, is one they need to win.
Where: Lucas Oil Stadium, Indianapolis, IN.
When: 1 PM Eastern, Sunday, September 30th. TV: CBS. I joke about things like this pretty much every time I do this article, but it’s really not a joke. When a network is giving you their lowest rated announcers, it speaks volumes what the perception of your team is. So, here we are again with Spero Dedes and Adam Archuleta. Bonus: Last week’s FOX duo of Chris Myers and Daryl Johnston will be calling the Philadelphia – Tennessee game, which will give Myers a plethora of opportunities to mention the Eagles played the Colts last week, and the Colts are coached by former Eagle OC Frank Reich. And then he’ll say it again. And again. And again. And again….
Why the Colts will score more than the other guys:
There’s only one reason for ever caring about games against Houston, and that’s their cheerleaders, but these articles can’t always be about the cheerleaders, folks. I mean, this is the NFL. and it’s wholesome, family entertainment (*wink wink nudge*).
As part of the pregame festivities, the Colts put on the first annual Lucas Oil Golf Cheerleader Challenge. The event features various members of the cheer squad competing against local celebrities in order to raise money for Riley Hospital. It’s a good cause.
With the score at 8 and 8, the finale is a closest to the hole from 40 yards away event. Fox Sports 975’s Derek Schultz confidently swaggers up to the tee. His shot his awful, hooking far to the right. But wait! It bounces off the Colts’ Anvil, which Derek has desperately been wanting to bang for 2 years now, and ricochets back onto the fake course assembled on the Lucas Oil turf. It stops 2 feet from the hole. It’s a miraculous shot, almost like a miracle birth or something. Smelling victory, the celebrity team captain Robert Mathis signals for a substitution. He inserts Schultz’ co-host Jake Query to attempt the potential winning putt, later explaining “Jake is just as cool as the other side of the pillow, and to be honest, Derek got lucky and we wanted to actually win.” Query delivers, punctuating his putt with a vintage Tiger Woods fist pump.
The Texans have begun their pregame warm ups on the other side of the field, but no one cares. I mean, it’s the Texans. No one cares about anything other than their cheerleaders. I feel like I’ve said this before.
Anyway, the Colts Cheer squad are down to their final hope. Stepping up is Anne C, known to her friends as Cardi A. Big hitter, the Cardi. She puts her all into this one, driving it way past the hole. It strikes a helmet-less JJ Watt in the upper back, instantly dislocating his spine. In the ensuing fall, Watt also tears both ACL’s and trips up fellow teammate Jadeveon Clowney, causing Clowney to hyperextend his groin (Author’s note: I have no idea if it’s possible to hyperextend a groin, nor do I wish to find out). Watt and Clowney will both miraculously recover and not miss another game, but for today, Watt is left in a full body cast on the sidelines, where his tweets spur over $100 million in donations for spinal injury research.
Minus their two best defenders, the Texans can do little to stop the Colts, who roll to an easy win.
2. The bionic arm.
Last week in Philly, Frank Reich set off a minor firestorm when he inserted Brisket into the game to attempt the Hail Mary pass at the end. Reich didn’t really fib when he said Brisket has a strong arm. He does. But it’s a bit of a problem – real or not – when he’s pulling his QB who’s had well documented shoulder issues so someone else can attempt a 55 yard pass.
The Colts get off to a poor start. They’re unable to move the ball, and Luck is averaging a paltry 1.39756473746 yards per attempt, causing even the most die hard of fans to contemplate a swim in the Broad Ripple Canal.
Late in the first quarter, Luck takes a vicious shot and is forced out of the game. Reich surprisingly inserts the recently activated Phillip Walker into the game. Luck is seen walking gingerly to the locker room, with Brisket providing support.
In the locker room, Luck vents his frustrations in a telegram to his mother:
Dearest Mother — WTF? My sidearm sucks, the line sucks, everything sucks. This is ^%&$%^ bull%$%^. Amputation is the only fix. Send hookers and beer — Andrew
With Walker at the helm, the Colts are unable to get anything going on offense, and soon trail 21-0. It’s over.
Midway through the quarter, a jubilant Luck races from the locker room. He’s back. No one notices his right arm looks different than his left. It doesn’t matter, right? With newfound strength, Luck begins zipping passes all over the field, and the Colts come alive.
The crappy Texans can do little to stem the tide, and the Colts roll to an easy win.
Luck will later detail what happened in a telegram:
Dearest Mother — Cpl Brisket donation of his arm was a most wonderful gift. I feel whole again, and the proof is in the damn pudding. Now, where are the hookers and beer? Miss you — Andrew
3. Colts cheerleader Lauren.
I wouldn’t know Lauren if I passed her on the street, but according to her bio she’s a Pediatric RN, which automatically makes a rock star. Seriously, it takes a special type to want to deal with sick children. Well done. Lauren.
My people checked with her people, and we discovered she totally agrees with me that the Colts are going to win Sunday.
Let’s see what Lauren’s been up to…
Something about a good looking woman in a ball cap just does it for me.
How the Texans will win:
As with last week, I’m contractually bound to sometimes list a reason why the other team might win. Hey, take it up with my bosses or something.
1. HTC Mallory
Mallory is big into fruit and stuff. Drink your OJ, people
Oh yeah, and eat your berries, too.
Colts 27, Texans 24