Hello, Colts fans. The key to football is to score more points than the other guys.
I know this and you know this, but our friends in the media need something to talk about in order to justify their jobs. Earlier this summer, a certain baseball announcer acknowledged to me that yes, I was right, the team really does just need to score more than the other guys. Yet each time a game rolls around, there he is giving us keys to the game that never include the bit about scoring more than the other guys.
As he is a highly-compensated professional, I figure that the creation of keys that turn no locks must be a growth industry. So now, it’s my turn.
Welcome to Why The Colts Will Score More Than The Other Guys
Who: The Indianapolis Colts vs. the Oakland Raiders.
What: Week 8 of the 2018 NFL season. The NFL regular season is basically half over, people. I’m not kidding.
Where: The Toilet Bowl, Oakland, CA.
When: 4:25 PM Eastern, Sunday, October 28th. TV: CBS. Once again the Colts are saddled with a middling announcing crew, as Andrew Catalon and James Lofton are on the call. You folks realize the assigned broadcasting crew mirrors the league’s perception of your team, right?
Why the Colts will score more than the other guys:
Creativity is hard and finding inspiration is hard. This article hasn’t been written in a couple of weeks, and it finally dawned on me. With Grigano gone, there’s no drama on this team anymore. There’s no coach saying inspiring yet idiotic things at press conferences. There aren’t players spouting off about the GM or the fans. Dare I say it, but they’re the Vanilla Colts now, which is fine unless you’re me trying to feed off that drama to create an article.
We will survive though. Gloria Gaynor said so.
The last time the Colts played in Oakland was on Christmas 2016, which inspired me to write this gem.
If nothing else, read it for the hilarious Pat McAfee photoshops.
1. Tidy Bowl II
As you might’ve heard, Adam Vinatieri is a mere 5 points away from surpassing Morten Andersen as the NFL’s all-time leading scorer. His is a remarkable story. After going undrafted out of So. Dakota State, in 1995 he managed to land a spot with NFL Europe’s (remember that?) Amsterdam club. He signed with the Patriots in 1996, and here he is, 22 years later, on the verge of history. The best ever, in my opinion.
He’s also battling a groin injury that was noticeably obvious last week against Buffalo….
The Colts have been putting up some strong numbers in the passing game, and Oakland’s pass rush has been nonexistent – Khalil Mack says hi, Jon – but the game turns into a slug fest with help from the crappy playing surface at the Toilet Bowl.
Late in the 4th, the Colts take over down 16-14. After a solid showing against Buffalo, they’ve reverted to their old ways today, with ill-timed penalties and receivers dropping everything. Oakland takes the lead on a pick 6 after Luck’s pass hits Chester Rogers dead square in the hands before bouncing out and hitting his arm, shoulder, chest, head and butt. The Butt Pick. Frustrating.
But all’s not lost, right? (Just stop throwing to Chester, please)
On 3rd and 2 from their own 33, the Colts get creative. It’s a quadruple reverse, and Marlon Mack takes it 57 yards to Oakland’s 20, where he slides out of bounds, sending a wave of crap (literally) into the air. Alright, let’s go.
The next few plays net little, so Frank Reich sends out Vinny for the win. He’s limping noticeably. In the broadcast booth, neither Andrew Catalon nor James Lofton make mention of the moist, crappy field conditions, despite the fact the field has been basically covered in raw sewage the entire game.
Here’s the snap…
The kick is up…
Holy crap, is that a duck?
Someone hold my beer.
During the kick, Vinny’s injured groin tears away from his leg, flying into the air before striking Jon Gruden in the head, rendering him unconscious and unable to give a post game press conference consisting of him just repeating “man” over and over.
Praise the lord.
Hey, it’s possible.
2. Colts cheerleader Bailey S
I feel terrible because it’s only been within the week that I’ve discovered Bailey, even though she’s been on the squad now for 2 years. I’m a terrible fan, but bottom line here is I found her. Also, Bailey appears to have the 2nd best pair of green eyes I’ve ever seen. The person with the best will read this at some point and know this is a shout out to her.
Let’s see what Bailey’s been up to….
Well now, hello there ladies. I see you too, Sammy T. <3
Let’s get physical, physical…
I’m out like Tidy Bowl at Alameda County Stadium
Colts 27, Raidahs 24