Hello, Colts fans. The key to football is to score more points than the other guys.
I know this and you know this, but our friends in the media need something to talk about in order to justify their jobs. Earlier this summer, a certain baseball announcer acknowledged to me that yes, I was right, the team really does just need to score more than the other guys. Yet each time a game rolls around, there he is giving us keys to the game that never include the bit about scoring.
As he is a highly-compensated professional, I figure that the creation of keys that turn no locks must be a growth industry. So now, it’s my turn.
Who: The New Jersey Giants vs. the Indianapolis Colts.
What: Week 16. It’s almost over, folks. *sobs*
Where: Lucas Oil Stadium, Indianapolis, IN.
When: 1 PM Eastern, Sunday, December 23rd. TV: CBS. Yet again we get the duo of Kevin Harlan and Rich Gannon. If they irritate you, you can see what else is on here.
Why the Colts will score more than the other guys:
Tonight the league cursed us with two games. We had the Redskins against the Titans, plus the Chargers against the Ravens. The Colts would have benefited mightily from a Redskins or Chargers win, but did they help? Nope.
Phil Rivers is about to become a father for the 9th time. 9 is also the approximate number of playoff appearances he’ll have in his career, none of which will ever include the words “Super Bowl.” Phil been out there ballin’ all season, but then he turned into Nathan Peterman against the Ravens. I just can’t with you anymore, Phil.
And you, Redskins? HOW IN THE HELL CAN YOU NOT BEAT BLAINE GABBERT? Good lord, they should fold your franchise after that game. Everyone hates your owner, your head coach is about as average as can be and couldn’t dial up a scoring play against a team of 5 year olds – even if your starting RB whipped them first – and a lot of people think your nickname is racist. Enjoy your continued stay in mediocrity, jerks.
But wait, we also have the New England Patriots. Last weekend they could’ve moved the Colts into the playoffs by beating Pittsburgh. Instead, Tommy and Billy and company completely crapped all over themselves. Tommy was out there looking like Curtis Painter against a team he’s owned his entire career. What a total dick move.
All of these teams can suck deez nuts.
2. Can’t see the line, can you Russ?
One of my favorite scenes from probably my favorite Christmas movie. To this day I have no idea what the name of the girl in that scene is – nor do I wish to know – but damn, she looks good.
Alright, so where was I? Oh yeah, the line. The Colts offensive line was a big question mark coming into this season, but once they were able to establish some continuity, they’ve been playing really, really well. While Quenton Nelson gets the publicity – and I’m not saying he shouldn’t – it’s also become clear that Ryan Kelly is the glue that holds it all together. Look no further than the disaster down in Jacksonville for proof.
This is what they’re going to do against the Giants: They’re going to come out early and run the ball, just like against Dallas, except it’s all just a set up. They’re going to catch the Giants thinking run, and then Andrew is going to pass them into oblivion. Hell, Eric Ebron might even make an easy catch.
3. The Pacemates
That’s right, I’m dipping into Indy’s other pro team for some inspiration here. It worked last time. Let’s see what we’ve got here…
This is Brooke. I’d vote for her.
I want action tonight…
Baby got back…
I’m out like a blank stare Eli Manning
Colts 38, Giants 21