PREGAME
Any time Dan Bylsma comes back to town it’s always nice to sit back and reminisce about how many Stanley Cup banners the Penguins didn’t raise between the years 2010-2014 and have a good laugh all because he was an incompetent buffoon in a suit and tie. Sure, Ray Shero’s probably to blame, too, but who’s keeping score?
Anywho, the Red Wings made their way to the Paint Can as the red hot Penguins played host for their final home game of the 2018 calendar year. And in case you haven’t been watching hockey since the year 2009, the Red Wings suck ass nowadays.
So what’s the logical solution whenever you’re struggling to win games in the D after 25 years of success? Hire this idiot as assistant coach, of course!
Dan Bylsma to fellow coach: "I have no fucking clue what I'm doing." pic.twitter.com/zoxDuIOmoQ
— Peep (@PeepsBurgh) December 28, 2018
Also, I’m not convinced Jeff Blashill is a real person (or name).
THE LINEUPS
Lined up and ready to go 💪 pic.twitter.com/d7NvrLRRZv
— Pittsburgh Penguins (@penguins) December 27, 2018
For the Pens, Rusty gets promoted to the top line to play with Sid and Jake (who got PAIIIIDDDDDDD) while Kessel and Hornqvist trade places on the 2nd and 3rd line, respectively. As for the D, absolutely nothing changes with Oleksiak still out of the lineup after getting knocked the fuck out by pissboy Tom Wilson last week. The good news, though, is he’s skating with a non-contact jersey in practice. And oh yeah, Murr in net.
#RedWings (projected) lineup.#DETvsPIT || #LGRW pic.twitter.com/yWONN4j461
— Detroit Red Wings (@DetroitRedWings) December 27, 2018
As for the Wangs, kudos to you if you could’ve named more than five players in their starting lineup before looking at that graphic. Trevor Daley was good in all in Pittsburgh, but a top pairing defenseman in Detroit? Yikes. Also didn’t realize Jimmy Howard was still a thing.
Let’s get to it.
FIRST PERIOD
Early on in this one it appeared the Penguins wanted nothing to do with going back to work two days after Christmas. And who can blame them? Working in any capacity the week between Christmas and New Year’s should be considered illegal. Apparently Detroit didn’t get the same memo, though.
Almost 12 minutes into the game, the Red Wings would strike first courtesy of an absolute snipe off of the stick of Dylan Larkin.
Not much Murray can really do here other than standing more “erect” according to Bob Errey. Not sure how that’s even remotely possible, though, considering Abdelkader was screening the ever living shit out of him.
1-0 Red Wings.
Give credit where credit is due, though – this Larkin kid is going to be an absolute stud. By far and away the fastest skater in the league at only 22-years old with a promising scoring touch to match it (36 points in 38 GP this year). It’s also fair to say he’s already made an enemy in Sidney Crosby as the two were jostling with each other after what seemed like every faceoff tonight.
The final portion of the 1st period consisted of the Penguins continuing to forget there was a hockey game to be played while Dan Potash gave us a preview of an awesome story about a fellow Pens fan named Kelly brining a sign to a game a year ago asking for a new kidney. Lo and behold, the Penguins twitter account got her story to go viral and just this past November, her wish was granted. Which leads us to our next point. If the power of the internet can help Kelly get a new kidney, why can’t the internet also help us get Justin laid?
https://twitter.com/thee_best_smart/status/1078457676068196352
Make it happen, Pens fam.
SECOND PERIOD
As bad as the Penguins decided to play in the first twenty minutes of this one, they (as in Phil Kessel) snapped out of it in the second. Six minutes into the period, somebody you’ve never heard of before in your life was called off for hooking Hornqvist giving the Penguins their first opportunity on the PP.
One minute later, a breakaway opportunity materialized after Jonathan Ericsson fell on his ass as Phil Kessel came storming into the Wings zone with a blaze of speed and ultimately buried the puck five hole past Howard.
1-1.
Santa Phil was just getting started.
A little over a minute later, Tanner Pearson quickly found Kessel trailing him in the offensive zone as Brassers raced to the net and placed himself in position for a perfect shot-pass from Phil, which would ultimately bank off of his skate and into the back of the net.
2-1 Pens.
Roughly 10.5 minutes later, Jolly Saint Phil was back to delivering more presents.
After former Penguin Trevor Daley got sent to the box for hooking, the Pens hopped back on the PP and capitalized on yet another opportunity.
Just when you stated to get that “Oh fuck. Here we go again.” feeling as Dylan Larkin raced into the Pens zone shorthanded, Riikola blocked Larkin’s shot propelling Sidney Crosby and Evgeni Malkin into transition. Sid would ultimately find Geno waiting at the top of the blue line who, in return, dished a quick pass to Kessel racing into the zone for the bullseye. 
3-1 Pens.
By the way, many people are saying this is true.
Santa Phil is the best Phil pic.twitter.com/2grzbbHrRH
— Peep (@PeepsBurgh) December 28, 2018
THIRD PERIOD
Just when you thought this thing was all but wrapped up, we were reminded yet again about the dreaded two-goal lead being the most dangerous lead in professional sports.
Less than five minutes into the 3rd, Evgeni Malkin got a little too cute with the puck in the Wings zone resulting in a turnover and leading Andreas “Happy To See You” Athanasiou to turn on the jets and slide one in five hole past Murr.
Double A turns it on. #LGRW https://t.co/GCOCj7wxuo
— Detroit Red Wings (@DetroitRedWings) December 28, 2018
Gonna go out on a limb and say this guy has the coolest name in hockey. And he’s also fast as shit.
3-2 Pens.
One minute later, Malkin would sorta, kinda amend his fuck up by winning a draw in the offensive zone as he dished the puck out to Marcus Pettersson Ian Cole at the point who quickly moved the puck over to Jack Johnson for a one-timer which found its way into the back of the net thanks to a Patric Hornqvist deflection.
Yep. You read that right. Jack Johnson got an assist. Wild.
4-2 Pens.
Sadly, Santa Phil was unable to complete the hat trick in this one thanks to Derick Brassard being an asshole and deciding to score the empty netter while everyone and their mother were screaming “Phil! Phil! Phil!” in the crowd and basically throwing their hats on the ice anyways.
5-3 Pens.
Pretty sure Brassard tried to make out with Geno after the goal, but Geno wasn’t having any of it.
Ball game.
NOTES
- Phil Kessel now has 40 points in 37 games played this season. Safe to say it’s a stupid idea to ever consider trading someone who scores upwards of 90 points/year in today’s NHL where top scorers barely crack 100 points.
- Lotta people are calling for the Penguins to replace Derick Brassard with younger talent at the AHL level. The advanced stats dorks may disagree with me here, but I’m not sold on getting rid of him yet. The guy’s a playoff performer; therefore, I could literally give two shits about him if he does nothing until April and May.
- Matt Murray has now improved his record to 4-0 since returning to the lineup from injury against the Kings on December 15th, which includes a Sv% of .957. It’s also fair to say he was hung out to dry on the two goals that got past him in this game. Nice to have some good goaltending, isn’t it?
- Don’t look now, but the Penguins are heating up just in time for the second half of the season. Two more very winnable games left in the 2018 calendar year as the Pens head out to St. Louis tomorrow then Minnesota on Monday.
The puck drops in Enterprise Center in like 12 minutes.
Go Pens.
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