Hello, Colts fans. The key to football is to score more points than the other guys.
I know this and you know this, but our friends in the media need something to talk about in order to justify their jobs. Earlier this summer, a certain baseball announcer acknowledged to me that yes, I was right, the team really does just need to score more than the other guys. Yet each time a game rolls around, there he is giving us keys to the game that never include the bit about scoring.
As he is a highly-compensated professional, I figure that the creation of keys that turn no locks must be a growth industry. So now, it’s my turn.
Welcome to Why The Colts Will Score More Than The Other Guys
Who: The Indianapolis Colts vs. the Kansas City Chiefs.
What: The AFC Divisional Round. Playoffs.
Where: Arrowhead Stadium, Kansas City, MO.
When: 4:30 Eastern, Saturday, January 12th. TV: NBC. Yeah, we’re getting Collinsworth’d again. Whatever. When the game ends, though, we’re gonna hear Al say “Do you believe in miracles?? YES!”
Why the Colts will score more than the other guys:
1. The Ghosts of Colts Victories Past:
It’s late Friday night. Content with his game plan and finished with his fourth meal of the evening following the team dinner, Andy Reid lumbers to his bed and flips on the TV. Scrolling through channels, he finds WTBS is airing “Ghost,” starring Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore. “My favorite movie!” Reid exclaims.
Comforted by his full stomach, Reid is soon barely able to keep his eyes open. “Ahhh….Demi….pottery” he mumbles with a smile, before falling asleep.
Look at the following disturbing image. Then look at it again, because you can’t take your eyes off of it. Click to enlarge if necessary.
Reid begins to dream.
“Do you recognize me?” asks a figure draped in chains.
“Bill, is that you?”
“Yes, Andy, it is I, Bill Walsh, your mentor, forever feeling doomed by your poor clock management and inability to win a big game. Look at what you’ve done to me.”
“But what happened to Demi?? I was jus-”
“SILENCE! You’re playing the Colts tomorrow, and it is your next chance to learn from your mistakes. You will be visited by three ghosts of Colts victories past. If you do not learn from your mistakes, you will be doomed to repeat losing to the Colts until your underachieving butt finally gets fired.”
Disturbed but chalking it up to just a dream, Reid is about to fall asleep again, visions of Demi Moore in his head.
Let’s take a time out for this:
“Ooooh…oooooh…ooohhh!!” come the ghost-like sounds of a mist wearing a white #12 jersey.
“What the…Andrew Luck?”
“Hi, Andy, it’s Andy. Hahaha, I love doing that. Do you know you’ve only beaten me once in four tries? You’ve done some good things against us, but then I just go out there and make $#$%$% plays and – Whoops, sorry kids. I apologize for my heat of the moment profanity – win the game. You even let us fumble the freakin’ football and still score. When you get the lead this time, don’t ease up. Now it’s even worse for you. I’ve got a beast of an offensive line and you won’t be able to stop us. Oh yeah, and you should double cover TY Hilton because he’s just…”
“Double cover TY Hilton?!?! He’s just a #2 receiver!” Reid screams as the apparition vanishes.
Though shaken by the mysterious appearance of Luck, Reid is soon back to sleep again.
“Andy, wake up! Andy!”
“Huh? Wha? Yeah, I’ll have the loaded nachos and the chili dog, and..”
“That’s right. TY Hilton, The Ghost. I clown people for a living. You know you’ve only beaten me once in four tries? In each game, I’ve played better and better against you. Remember this?”
*video flashes to Hilton’s game winning 64-yard TD in the 2013-14 playoffs (Hilton is later fined $75K by the league for this misuse of league video property)
Reid jumps out of bed.
“Yeah, I remember. We got beat by a #2 receiver! And this time you’re hurt.”
“That’s a clown joke, bro. Double cover me. Dwell on the past, you lose an eye. Forget the past, you lose both,” says Hilton as he vanishes.
Wide awake, Reid takes out his notepad and begins to scribble out some plans for the game, when…
*loud, high-pitched shrieking sounds give way to man wearing a Patriots visor and dressed as a weasel*
“Jo-Jo-Josh McDaniels? What in the hell are you doing here? I’ve really got to stop eating potato salad before bed,” Reid stammers.
“That’s right, bruh. It’s me, the weasel. I wanted the job in Indy, but then Bob Kraft said I could be Belichick’s personal pedicurist, and I just couldn’t say no. I backed out like the weasel I am, and it was a victory for Indy.”
“It’s going to be a loss for you though, bruh, because Frank Reich is ten times the coach you are. Here’s how you stop it: That clown guy been making some plays, so just double cover him. Don’t worry about the other guys. They have no other receivers, the running game is below average, and that o-line is awful. Trust me, Andy. Like George Washington, I cannot tell a lie. Oh, and try the chili cheese omelet at eggtc. It is to die for.”
After being unable to sleep the remainder of the night, Reid calls a meeting with his defensive staff in the morning.
“Alright guys, last night I had a vision. I thought it was going to be about Demi Moore and pottery, but it wasn’t. Three ghosts came to me in my dreams and told me how we could win-”
“Coach, did you order room service again?”
“Yes, but guys, my friend Josh told me exactly how to win today. We just double that clown dude and no one else will do anything. Easy money…”
“DOUBLE TY HILTON?!?! HE’S AN INJURED CLOWN!!” the coaches scream in unison.
“Yeah, you’re probably right. Hey, how about these chili cheese omelets, huh? Awesome. Let’s go guys.”
Everyone’s pointing at these offenses and saying it’s going to be a high scoring game. It may very well end up that way, but the weather is projected to be bad, and you have to think that favors our boys. Win the trenches, win the game.
2. The Pacemates
Indy’s finest ladies have been bringing our boys good luck these last few weeks, so when the train is rolling, you keep riding it.
Let’s see what our fine friends have been up to…
Whew. Oh my.
The weather is supposed to be bad, so I’ll leave you with this:
Oh the weather outside is frightful
But Quenton Nelson’s mean streak is so delightful
And since we’ve no place to go – except Boston or LA next weekend
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.
Colts 21, Chiefs 17