RECAP 38: One of Us Is Gonna Die Young. Pens Drop Gongshow to Bruins 7-5 feat. The Ark

RECAP 38: One of Us Is Gonna Die Young. Pens Drop Gongshow to Bruins 7-5 feat. The Ark


RECAP 38: One of Us Is Gonna Die Young. Pens Drop Gongshow to Bruins 7-5 feat. The Ark


Far as Saturday afternoon games in mostly empty arenas during a COVID-shortened season in April go, they don’t get much bigger than this. You could say today’s tilt was almost as big as Brandon Dubinksy’s Easter-egg sized balls.

One of the most under appreciated players of the 2010s, the former Quebec Pee Wee Tournament legend fanned the Crosby vs. Ovechkin flames this week by formally declaring “Fuck Sid”.

Hockey Twitter loves to whine about dirty crosschecks, but I say more is better.  Feed the hate.  Nobody has quite mastered the art of maintaining relevance despite notoriously underachieving quite like Dubinsky, which is what the hustle is all about.

Cowards root for cowards, so my Dubinksy jersey can’t come in the mail soon enough.  When you can’t beat ’em, chirp ’em from a distance and NEVER EVER look your enemies in the eye.

Photo by Gregory Shamus/Getty Images

Anyway, another House Money game vs. the Bruins after Thursday’s dominating victory.  The Pens are on fire with more help on the way, so it was time to just enjoy the game, pour a pint, and get drunk enough to sleep through Easter mass.


Frickin’ love those jerseys, babe.

Is Mike Matheson the most scorching ginger heartthrob since Ron Howard?  Some say yes.

He scored immediately (100th career point) but Jankowski took the credit like an idiot.  Thank God guys like Jim Rutherford make decisions instead of my nerd colleagues.

PIT GOAL – Jankowski (3) A: Matheson [3:24] 1-0 PIT

I don’t know what to say about the next 10 minutes other than what Jesse said.

Little more pace through the last 3-4 minutes, but no blood.  Regardless of how the rest of the game/season went, Pens were prob feeling like Kevin McCallister regarding away games in Boston.


The lead lasted about as long as Jim did with Nadia with the Bruins scoring two consecutive goals.  Way to shove the McCallister line right up my ass.  Please accept this Nadia gif as my apology (goal videos after).

BOS GOAL – Bergeron (11) Unassisted [0:11] 1-1


BOS GOAL – Pasta (15) A: Krejci, Ritchie [0:45] 2-1 BOS

Those of us who have a little thing called composure simply cracked a rally beer while saying “Settle down, boys”.  The Crosby line had the same idea and delivered.

PIT GOAL – Guentzel (15) A: Crosby, Dumo [2:45] 2-2

Shortly after, there was a net front scramble and McAvoy looked like he was reaching for a cheeseburger and covered up the puck.  Pens went to the game’s first PP, and it didn’t take long.

PIT GOAL (PP) – McCann (9) A: Crosby, Guentzel [5:11] 3-2 PIT

Pace was spicier than Salma Hayek eating chili pepper.  Lafferty took an elbowing penalty to send the Bruins to the Peep, but it quickly evened up after Grzelcyk tripped some Penguin.  Some fun 4-on-4 ensued but the goalies stood tall.

The Rat King would eventually even it up on a magnificent shift from the Perfection Line (dork name, but they’re sick nonetheless).

BOS GOAL – Marchand (15) A: McAvoy, Grzelcyk [14:56] 3-3

A shift or two later, an Insane Clown Posse concert broke out behind the Penguins net, resulting in more 4-on-4.  Rat King was doing Rat King things.  These are the games you live for, man.

Pasta undressed Evan Rodrigues who had no choice but to take a penalty, resulting in extended powerplay time for the Bruins.  Pens held on as long as they could, but got out of sorts on a long shift as Boston converted.

BOS GOAL (PP) – Krejci (2) A: Marchand, Pasta [18:59] 4-3 BOS

How does Krej have only 2 goals?

You had the feeling the Penguins were still in good shape going into the 3rd if they could hang on, but Rat King delivered a dagger right as the period was ending.  FUCK.

BOS GOAL (PP) – Marchand (16) A: Bergeron, McAvoy [19:40] 5-3 BOS

Well.  Just see what happens in the 3rd, god dammit.  All hail the Rat King.


DeSmith stopped Pasta on a breakaway, while Mears gave the obligatory “Remember that Save!”

The Penguins 2nd best defenseman and pride of Rutherford decided he wasn’t ready to go home just yet.  Snipe city with like 8 millimeters to work with.

PIT GOAL – Ceci (3) A: Lafferty, Jankowski [4:38] 5-4 BOS

Was that Jankowski making a play?  Jeez.  What a game.

All of a sudden, Halak started to look a little shaky.  Pens were lingering with a handful of chances that made every butthole in Boston tighter than the Anaconda’s grip in that Jon Voight movie.

Unfortunately, they couldn’t capitalize on like 17 golden chances and you knew it was coming.  Matheson made the first mistake of his life (other than not adopting me yet) and turned it over, leading to a Bruins 2-on-1.  Pasta (who else?) didn’t miss.

BOS GOAL – Pasta (16) A: Ritchie [13:28] 6-4 BOS

Things got interesting after the Bruins went to the PP on what probably should have been an awarded goal for Pasta.  Instead of burying the Penguins, the Bruins allowed the Captain to score on the PK.

PIT GOAL (SH) – Crosby (15) A: Guentzel [18:45] 6-5 BOS

Then, Berg blunted Crosby’s lip on the ensuing faceoff, so the teams would be at 4-on-4.  For some reason, the Penguins pulled DeSmith immediately instead of waiting to establish possession in the O-zone.  I don’t know….seemed like a way too easy way to get Rat King his hat trick.

Not gonna link that goal.  7-5 Boston, Ballgame.


  • Incredibly fun game.  Totally fine to split the series.
  • Handful of moments where you wouldn’t have blamed the Pens for mailing it in after 5 straight wins and a gong show game.  Nope.  They kept fighting, showing you what kind of mindset they’re dealing with right now.
  • Bruins are top-heavier than Christina Hendricks.  They’d probably be relegated to the aforementioned Quebec Pee Wee tournament if not for Pasta/Berg/Marchand.  I genuinely never wish for injuries…just saying if 1-2 of those guys goes down at the wrong time, they could legit miss the playoffs.
  • McCann remains buzzworthy
  • Bet on TheSmith to bounce back.  Shit show.
  • Nice to not be scared of Halak anymore.  Montreal series still haunts me to this today.
  • Jankowski with 2 points?  That should tell you everything you need to know about what an albatross this game was.
  • Tell me to suck it on Twitter @GooeyHockey
  • Featured image credit: Steve Babineau /Getty Images

  • Enjoy The Ark.  Great Saturday tune.



More Sports

More Penguins