Penguins (36-16-2) vs. Sabres (15-33-7)
PPG Paints Arena | Pittsburgh, PA
Saturday, May 8 | 3:00PM Eastern
NBC | AT&TSN-PT | MSG-B
Welcome back to weekend gameday. The gameday that did an investigative journalism for you today….
INT – SABRES FRONT OFFICE – DAY
The Buffalo Sabres front office executives and staff sit around a long conference table. The room is adorned with floor to ceiling windows. The mood is tense. Smoke billows outside because, Buffalo.
JASON KARAMOS, Associate General Manager speaks first.
We will just be a few more minutes everyone we are just waiting on Terry
Staff members sip complimentary shot glasses of wing sauce.
TERRY PEGULA, owner of the Buffalo Sabres, enters wearing the biggest fucking cowboy hat anyone has ever seen.
JEREMIAH CROWE, DIRECTOR OF PRO SCOUTING
Yeeeeehaw this gon’ be a cowpoke meeting!
CROWE slaps his thigh very hard.
Now you cowboys and cowgirls know why is I called you here today. Because our darn hockey team is worse than a shitcake on a steer!
PEGULA sits down and TWO ASSISTANTS swoop in and begin to fit him with a bright red pair of leather chaps.
As is customary in dis here organ eye zation I want to hear the best and the brightest ideas from my staff on how we gon turn this wagon train around!
I-DEAS! I-DEAS! I-DEAS! YOU MUST FEED US THE I-DEAS!
Dats righhhhhhhhht give em us the I-DEAS PIGGIES!
TWO ASSISTANTS, now in head to toe black cloaks begin to slowly pull the shades and dim the lights. What was once a rootin-tootin good time now feels more….sinister.
A small man in an olive colored suit appears from seemingly nowhere. No one knows why he is there but everyone understands it nonetheless. This is SABRES HOCKEY.
A CLOAKED ASSISTANT helps SABRES HOCKEY to this throne atop the conference table and feeds it a single rose petal.
saedi em deef won
Kevyn Adams stands. He understands what must be done and wears it on his face. He wishes now that his parents had spelled his name differently.
We should extend Rasmus Ristolainen for 5 years.
This idea greatly excites SABRES HOCKEY. His balls begin to glow and can be seen through his pants.
This idea excites him! MORE I-DEAS!
MORE I-DEAS MORE I-DEAS MORE I-DEAS MORE I-DEAD MORE I-DEAS
elagnithgin nasoj em erofeb dnats
JASON NIGHTINGALE DIRECTOR OF HOCKEY ANALYTICS stands. He moves swiftly across the board room until he arrives at a large easel.
He turns the first picture.
A pie chart.
The boardroom gasps
MARK JAKUBOWSKI – VP OF HOCKEY ADMINISTRATION
How many times do we have to tell you no one FUCKING CARES
A whole ass apple strikes NIGHTINGALE. He weeps.
NIGHTINGALE (to SABRES HOCKEY)
Why do they forsake me
elddas eth eraperp
PRE PARE THE SAD DLE PRE PARE THE SAD DLE PRE PARE THE SAD DLE PRE PARE THE SAD DLE PRE PARE THE SAD DLE PRE PARE THE SAD DLE PRE PARE THE SAD DLE
A saddle is produced and the EXECUTIVES lift it high above their heads still chanting loudly in perfect unison.
The long walk to NIGHTINGALE is shown in a single point of view shot. We never leave his eyes. The look is one of resigned terror.
KNEEL KNEEL KNEEL KNEEL KNEEL KNEEL
NIGHTINGALE kneels before the frothy thick hockey men. His fate is sealed.
This one looks like one wild bronc’ don’t he boys
PEGULA kicks NIGHTINGALE in the back. The ASSISTANTS pounce and the saddle is strapped tightly to NIGHTINGALE’s back. He fights but it is no use.
PEGULA mounts NIGHTINGALE
Let ‘er buck!
The ASSISTANTS lean down and shove the bit of the reigns into NIGHTINGALE’s mouth. He chokes as the reigns are snapped back by PEGULA.
SABRES HOCKEY nods slowly. He’s got a fucking rubiks cube now?
BUCK! BUCK! BUCK! BUCK! BUCK! BUCK! BUCK!
NIGHTINGALE heeds their calls. Something deep within him is changed now.
He begins bucking and making a bunch of horsey noises. The bucking takes them all around the conference tables. Notebooks are smashed. Papers are flying. The EXECUTIVES stammer and wail, jumping from table to table. One is upside down on the ceiling.
KARAMOS takes a piss on a fake plant.
The camera slowly pans out. As the bucking continues and the destruction of the board room rages forward only SABRES HOCKEY looks at the camera as it slowly pans out.
Until….CUT TO BLACK.