UFC 116 is upon us and a new Heavyweight czar for not only the UFC but the entire sport of MMA will be crowned. Will it be hard-working, engineer-turned-fighter Shane Carwin? Or will it be perpetually-pink, shark-F5ing Brock Lesnar?
Prelim Quick Picks: Vemola, Roberts, Harris, Reljic*
Spike TV fights
Light Heavyweight bout: Seth Petruzelli vs. Ricardo Romero
KIMBO KILLER SIGHTING! Seth Petruzelli makes his long-awaited return to the UFC after making a name for himself by knocking out Kimbo Slice. I know what you’re thinking: how badass is this guy that he knocked out Kimbo Slice?! Well, not that badass. I mean, Petruzelli is a good fighter and all but the Kimbo Hype Train has derailed and the passengers are on fire, trying to escape their metal coffin. As the flames eat away at their flesh, all they can smell is the rotten stench of their burning hair. They known they shouldn’t run around frantically but all logic goes out the window at a time like this. Stop, Drop and Roll is the last thing on anyone’s mind. Oh, and I got Romero by TKO in the first.
Heavyweight bout: Brendan Schaub vs. Chris Tuchscherer
What exactly does Brendan Schaub excel at? I watched an entire season (although it felt like three… oh God, forcing someone to watch TUF 10 should be right up there with waterboarding except Glenn Beck would actually concede that it was torture) of this guy and couldn’t figure out what, above all else, was his calling card. He’s well-rounded, yes, but fighters often gameplan around their core strength. For Chris Tuchscherer (saying his last name out loud makes me feel like I have peanut butter in my mouth), it’s wrestling. And when all is said and done, Tuchscherer will use his wrestling to win this fight in the third.
Main Card
Lightweight bout: George Sotiropoulos vs. Kurt Pellegrino
I have to say: Sotiropouslos impressed the hell out of me when he drubbed Joe Stevenson Down Under. I thought Stevenson would use his superior wrestling to negate Sotiropouslos’ BJJ but the opposite happened: Sotiropouslos used his BJJ to completely dominate the ground battle and stifle any advantage Stevenson may have had. In Kurt “Batman” Pellegrino, he faces someone with similar BJJ credentials. Pellegrino is probably best known for being on the crotch-sniffing end of Nate Diaz’s infamous “triangle choke-double bird-bicep flex” triumvirate of awesomeness**. While Pellegrino will test Sotiropouslos is a way that Stevenson was not able to, his ground game just isn’t as good. Pellegrino might try to avoid the ground altogether but if Sotiropouslos wants you on the mat, you’ll be on the mat. I’m predicting a second round submission for the Ozzie and a future match-up with hopefully the loser of Maynard/Florian. Should Sotiropouslos win that, I don’t see how he doesn’t get a title shot.
Light Heavyweight bout: Krzysztof Soszynski vs. Stephan Bonnar
Speaking of UFC 110, we’ve got Krzysztof Soszynski taking on Stephan Bonnar once again. Their fight at 110, of course, was ruled a TKO victory for Soszynski even though the TKO-causing cut was a result of an accidental head butt. And it was a shame, too, because they had split the first two rounds with the third being the deciding factor should it have gone to the scorecards. The rematch, though, is Soszynski’s to lose. He easily won the first round back in February so he knows what needs to be done to win. Bonnar, on the other hand, is essentially the same fighter we saw five years ago against Forrest Griffin. The dude is tough but hasn’t evolved and can only thank his performance as the first TUF Finale for a continued paycheck. Soszynski takes this one in the second.
Welterweight bout: Chris Lytle vs. Matt Brown
Chris Lytle can seemingly have a good fight with anyone in the UFC Welterweight division. Don’t believe me? Go ahead, put his name against anyone at 170. Amir Sadollah? That’d be a good fight. Dan Hardy? That’d be an AWESOME fight. The dude has a fan-favorite style and while that’s garnered him countless “… of the Night” bonuses (actually, it’s been seven. I did count them), it hasn’t been too kind to his win-loss record. Matt Brown is a tough-as-nails TUF alum who is coming off a loss to Ricardo Almeida. The two already fought a little less than three years ago in the now-defunct United Fight League with Lytle coming out the winner via submission. Combine that with the fact that Lytle has come out and said he is employing a somewhat tweaked strategy for this fight and that all adds up to a win for “Lights Out.” Lytle’s much crisper boxing pedigree earns him the decision win here and they both are $65,000 richer at the end of the night.
Middleweight bout: Yoshihiro Akiyama vs. Chris Leben
Chris Leben is only two weeks removed from giving Aaron Simpson a thumping at the TUF 11 Finale but he’s jumping right back in to face the guy that a bunch of grown men on the internet call “Sexyama.” Akiyama, for those not in the know, is a judo expert and a key figure in UFC’s planned expansion into the Far East. He is also responsible for more guy-crushes than Tyler Durden. But does that make him a good fighter? What we’ve seen of Akiyama has been “meh.” He’s built a career on beating middling talent with his biggest victories coming over Denis Kang and Melvin Manhoef (PS, wanna know how to beat Melvin Manhoef? TAKE HIM TO THE GROUND! Seriously, it will work. Or land a perfect counter-punch like Robbie Lawler, whatever works). His UFC debut was a gritty, if uninspired decision win over Alan Belcher waaaay back at UFC 100 (which is the last time we saw Lesnar, actually. COINCIDENCE?!? Yeah, probably) in a fight many scored in Belcher’s favor. Leben, on the other hand, is the consummate brawler. While he has picked up a new trick or two in the past few years, he can and will always be led into a slugfest. I think Akiyama will provoke and weather an early storm (METEROLOGICAL WORLDPLAY FTW~!) only to take control on the ground in rounds 2 and 3. I think a late sub from Akiyama or possibly a decision.
Heavyweight Championship bout: Brock Lesnar (Champ) vs. Shane Carwin (Interim champ)
The unstoppable force meets the immovable object. A clash of the titans. Christina Aguilera vs. Lady Gaga! Nothing can quite describe what we’ll be in for on Saturday when these two, giant slabs of American bruiser meet up in the Octagon. Brock Lesnar is the lovable, homophobic recluse champion coming off an illness that would have killed you or me at least three times over. Shane Carwin is the more lovable, holier-than-thou, everyman whose fists have been treating every opponent’s face like Ben Roethlisberger would treat a TGIFriday’s waitress***. The big question behind this match-up is whether or not Lesnar can withstand those atom bombs Carwin somehow manages to sneak into his gloves before every fight. Lesnar, despite what that dopey flattop would suggest, isn’t stupid. He’s got going to dick around on his feet for too long and will look to take the fight to the ground. Once there, he will dominate. Carwin is trying to convince us, and possibly himself, that he’s the better wrestler and athlete. Wrong. WRONG. This is going to be like the end of The Crow where Brandon Lee forces the bad guy to feel all the pain that Lee’s girlfriend had to go through before she died. Except Brock Lesnar is The Crow. And Shane Carwin is the bad guy. And the girlfriend’s pain is actually Frank Mir’s and Gabriel Gonzaga’s. Does that make Mir and Gonzaga Lesnar’s girlfriends? I think we saw from Lesnar/Mir II that the answer to that is yes. I see this one ending in the third.
* – I just want to say to Kendall Grove that I hate you for mouthing off to SpikeTV about The Ultimate Fighter and getting your fight relegated to the unaired prelims. The only silver lining is that I hope Reljic beats you in such a way that the fight airs anyway. You robbed me of my Reljic and for that you must pay.
** – Actually, awesomeness doesn’t adequately describe it. A new word must be created. Suggestions?
*** – ALTERNATE JOKE: … opponent’s face like Roy Nelson treats a buffet. (credit: Darrel Smith, TeamHurricaneLovesYou.com).
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