Naturally, I don’t have access to NHLers, so I can’t interview them directly. However, using the power of my imagination, I can recreate what it might look like if I had access to an NHL player. Today I present an interview with Pittsburgh Penguins forward Jordan Staal
Loser Domi: First off, thanks for agreeing to the interview, Jordan.
Jordan Staal: No problem, sweetcheeks.
LD: So, how have you found the season so far?
JS: I dunno. We did some stuff. Won some games, lost some.
LD: Are you worried at all about the Pens’ playoff chances?
JS: Not really. I mean, if we play hard and win, that’s cool, but if we play hard and lose, I can have more time for my off season hobby.
LD: And what is it you do in the offseason?
JS: Well, you can only train and workout so much right? Like, there’s more hours in the day…
LD: So what do you do?
JS: Me and some of the other guys put together Amish porn.
LD: What? Amish porn?
JS: yeah, I’m the director/guy who comes up with names, Geno’s the sound/camera guy, and Max Talbot’s the star. Naturally. (rolls eyes)
LD: How do you make these films? Are they done with actual Amish people or just Amish themed?
JS: Some communities let the kids out to experience what they call the “English” world, cuz, like, they don’t commit to the Amish unless they choose to as adults. So it’s then that we can get girls.
LD: Uhmm..o…kay.
JS: Man, you oughta see how pissed off Talbot gets when they call him English! Haha, Quebec.
LD: So what kinds of names do you make up for these films?
JS: Lemme think, some of my favorites are “Butter Churners”…uh, “Raise my Barn”… “Plow her Field”, “Ride my Donkey”…stuff like that.
LD: And the , ahem, “actresses” allow you to film it? They actually allow this?
JS: We just say we’re from National Geographic or something. They go for it every time!
LD: Yeah, actually, I think I have heard of this practice. Not all communities do it–
JS: The cool ones do
LD: –Anyway, don’t they usually do it around the age of 16? So…
JS: Ah Christ, you don’t have that Chris Hansen dude, do you? I’m out of here!
LD: But that wasn’t a sting! I was just—
JS: NO! This interview is DONE! (leaves)
LD:…thanks again!…I think.
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