Cheers To Brandon Roy

I’m tired of reading all these phony articles about how sorry every fan and columnist feels for Brandon Roy. Everyone’s heart goes out to him and his family. They feel his pain. They weep for him. They’re devastated, and they’ll continue to wear his jersey because they don’t have any other ones.

What amazes me is that nobody wants to help Brandon Roy. Nobody has cared to step up to make his transition from three time NBA All-Star to “guy who walks with a cane” any easier (I’m aware Mr. Roy does not walk with a cane yet, but give it time. Everyone ages, except Jane Fonda). The man who gave so much to the city of Portland is going to get a stocking full of coal in return for everything he’s done. That doesn’t sound fair, does it?

Has everyone gone insane? Am I the only individual who cares to remember the true meaning of Christmas? This is the season to be jolly. This is the season of giving, but nobody in Portland sees it that way. They all want to be miserable and mope about what they won’t be receiving this year.

I refuse to join in on the selfishness that is destroying the holiday season in this part of the world. I’ve taken it upon myself to offer and give while everyone else demands and receives. I admit, my present to Roy won’t be anything extravagant, like say a statue in front of the Rose Garden, a new knee, or a 20 carat wheel chair, but it’s the most I can spare, and it’s a heck of a lot more than anything else he’s going get from die hard Blazer fans this year.

My present to Brandon Roy is not a purchase. It’s an invention that was created in his honor; something that will continue to live long after the man is gone. I call it the “Knee Buckler.”

Why should Arnold Palmer have a beverage named after him and not Brandon Roy (I suppose it’s possible that Palmer has a better agent)? I realize this could also be the name of a beverage concocted in honor of Greg Oden, but any beverage named after Oden should be served in a glass half empty, and I intended for this drink to be filled up to the top.

I also realize that Brandon Roy might not be too crazy about the name because it’s a little too close to home, but I think he’ll come around. I’m not too crazy about some of the gifts I’ve been given in years past, but I remember it’s the thought that counts. I hope Roy’s memory is as good as mine, but if he over-does the Knee Bucklers and forgets I will have no one to blame but myself.

I haven’t decided on what kind of liquors are going to be present in this bartender’s nightmare of a beverage, but I do know that there will be diet soda instead of regular because Brandon Roy is no longer a professional athlete, and he’s going to have to start watching his caloric intake more closely. I don’t want him getting chunky on us like Magic Johnson did after he retired because I actually do care about the future of Brandon Roy because he still HAS a future.

I know this may be difficult for some people to fathom, but Roy is not just a basketball player. He’s also a human being with 20 fingers and toes. Just because he won’t be suiting up anymore doesn’t mean he’s dead. He still has to eat and pay his bills. Maybe when the economy picks up he’ll open up a gym, or a sports bar, or a car dealership, or something.

The Blazers have a future too. Let’s not forget that Brandon Roy is not Peyton Manning. He’s had Peyton-esque moments, but his departure isn’t going to send Portland spiraling into the cellar of the NBA.

Everyone knew Brandon Roy was going to be missed, but nobody knew he was going to be honored so quickly with a beverage named after him because it never occurred to anybody to give to the man who had given everything he had during the short period of time that he had it. Brandon Roy’s career might have ended, but the Knee Buckler’s has just started.