As 2011 grinds through its final death rattles, it’s time to once again recognize the tradition (which I just now created) of the annual year-end Accolades and Raspberries Awards. The committee (me) has reviewed the events of the sporting year that was 2011 and passed final, irrevocable judgment. Please understand that the decisions of the committee are completely arbitrary, quite likely horribly unfair, and no doubt completely without merit. There’s no avenue for appeal, because…well, isn’t it best that we just move past 2011 as soon as we possibly can?
Not that any of this is going to stop the festivities, mind you….
It’s been a tough year to be a murderous despot. Muammar Gadhafi, Kim Jong Il, Osama bin-Laden, and Al Davis are no longer among us. Freedom is spreading throughout the world, fed by Facebook, Twitter, and the news that the Los Angeles Clippers may no longer be the NBA’s version of the Keystone Kops.
Ah, but I digress….
2011 has been no one’s idea of a year blessed with a surplus of good news. Thankfully, though, this year’s Accolades and Raspberries Awards committee has a well-lubricated sense of irony and humor. So, without further ado or delay, let’s get down to business.
A “Gutless, Classless, Cowardly Lion” Raspberry to newly anointed Arizona State football coach Todd Graham. Coach Graham, the poster boy for peripatetic, makes Larry Brown look like the personification of employment stability. Graham (whose personal motto is “Rent. Don’t buy.”) is making ASU his fourth coaching stop since 2007 (Rice, Tulsa, and Pittsburgh were the other lucky winners). After accepting his new job (after all of one season at Pitt), Graham notified his players of his departure via text message. As you might imagine, Graham’s tactless au revoir was not universally well received.
Stay classy, Coach! Your Raspberry will look great on the mantle of your new Scottsdale manse. Here’s to hoping you’ll stay at ASU long enough to unpack your boxes.
A “Classy, Committed, and Stable” Accolade to Oregon football coach Chip Kelly and the Oregon athletic department. Both have demonstrated what courage and steadfastness in the face of a restive, grumbling fan base can accomplish. Oregon (surprisingly, given how bad the Ducks were for so many years) has had four football coaches in 35 years. That stability is probably the single biggest reason that the Ducks have become one of college football’s biggest success stories. (Note to Arizona State’s athletic director: you could learn a thing or two from Oregon).
In the corrupt, dysfunctional, what-have-you-done-for-me-lately world that is college football, Kelly and the athletic department have succeeded by doing the right things in the right way. Here’s to hoping that will continue long into the future.
An “Playing Russian Roulette with Four Loaded Chambers” Raspberry to NBA Commissioner David Stern, who’s to professional basketball what Nicolae Ceausescu was to Romanian democracy. Stern, almost single-handedly responsible for the league’s headlong rush to self-destruction, was dour, inflexible, and humorless to the end of the lockout. Stern pushed players AND owners to the brink of mutually assured destruction. Everyone looked over the edge, and order was restored only when the players caved. If not for that, we’d have been watching the Edmonton Mukluks playing the Nunavut Eskimos in the Canadian Basketball League on Christmas Day. Game on, eh??
A “Big, Sloppy, Wet Kiss” Accolade to Portland Timbers owner Merritt Paulson, who, together with Technical Director Gavin Wilkinson and Coach John Spencer, put together a team that was both fun to watch and a great value. The Timbers didn’t make the playoffs, but they won over a lot of skeptics. Portland being the ennui capitol of the Western Hemisphere, that’s no small accomplishment.
A “Black Angel of Death” Raspberry to Trail Blazers owner Paul Allen, who puts the “fun” in “dysfunctional.” Puddletown’s very own Darth Vader, Allen’s managed to turn his management team into something resembling the bridge crew of the Death Star. A tolerance for rumor, intrigue, and the reading of tea leafs seem to have become de riguer for anyone hoping to decipher Allen’s impenetrability and secrecy. Kevin Pritchard and Rich Cho deserved better than to be sacrificed merely because Allen sensed a disturbance in the Force.
A “Thanks for the Memories” Accolade to former Trail Blazer Brandon Roy. (How sad is it to have to use the past tense?). A charismatic and humble star, Roy provided countless memories for Trail Blazers fans in a career that ended far too soon. Roy wanted to return this season; his knees had other ideas. No one should have to face (at 27) a chioce between your passion and being able to walk later in life. Fortunately, Roy’s set for life and has a family he adores. There are worse fates than being able to focus on your family, no?
An “Are You Kidding Me?” Raspberry, to Greg Oden, the Trail Blazers’ “savior” when he was drafted not so very long ago. I understand that the nature of sports injuries is that they can be, and often are, arbitrary and capricious. That said, Oden’s made a bajillion dollars for playing 82 games over 4+ years. At what point does he do the right thing and admit (as Brandon Roy did) that his body just isn’t down with the idea of playing professional basketball? Really, when is it time to focus on life after basketball? Or is he enjoying the prospect of being this generation’s Sam Bowie?
A “Be Careful What You Ask For” Accolade to fans of the Portland Trail Blazers for sticking with the team through the lockout, the Machiavellian front office shenanigans, and the Greg Oden fiasco. Your reward for remaining on the bandwagon may well be a short season of sloppy basketball, but things could be worse. This could be the National Hockey League in 2004-05, which killed off its entire season due a lockout, lost its TV contract with ESPN…and is STILL recovering.
(Extra credit question: Which NHL team won the Stanley Cup in 2005? Go ahead…I’ll wait.)
A “Thanks For The Lost Innocence” Raspberry to the Penn State Athletic department. Thank you for turning every male coach into a sexual predator looking for a place to happen. Thank you for showing what damage denial and dereliction of duty can do. Most of all, thank you for being far more concerned about money than the welfare of children. As if tarnishing the reputation of a proud university isn’t reward enough….
A “So THIS Is What It’s Supposed To Be Like” Accolade to Oregonian sportswriter John Canzano, who’s restored my faith in sports writing. Truthfully, there aren’t many sportswriters worth reading these days; most couldn’t write their way out of a paper sack. Despite what most sportswriters might think, sports are not life. They’re not even really all that important in the overall scheme of things. Yet most sportswriters still think that what they do is significant and that it matters. Canzano is a gifted writer with a well-developed sense of humanity who just happens to write about sports and understands its relative (in)significance. His gift of observation, perspective, and honesty make his columns worth reading even if you don’t follow sports.
So there you have it, sports fans. I think we can all agree that 2011 being what it was, 2012 can (hopefully) only go up from here. That being said, perhaps it would be best if we could agree on one last thing:
Let us never speak of 2011 again. Ever.
That will be all.
Oh…and have a safe and Happy New Year, eh??
Add The Sports Daily to your Google News Feed!
