By most accounts, 2011 was a terrible, horrible, very bad year. We lost Arch West (the inventor of Doritos), Clarence Clemons (the Big Man), Al Davis (the Prince of Darkness), Muammar Gaddafi (People’s “World’s Sexiest Despot” from 1969), and Kim Jong-Il (North Korea’s most famous golfer). A massive tsunami devastated coastal Japan while being televised around the world in real time. Kim Kardashian became the poster child for the sanctity of marriage. Worst of all, the evil, blood-sucking Green Bay Packers won yet another Super Bowl.
Yeah, 2011 sucked…but, since life is circular, what ends must begin again. Now that 2012 is here, everything’s all better…right??
The beginning of a new year provides the opportunity to wipe the slate clean and bugger things up in new and different ways. It remains to be seen who will die, what will be destroyed, and what natural disasters will be visited upon us. With that in mind, I thought I’d start things off on a lighthearted and (hopefully) positive note. I thought it might be a nice gesture to offer some wishes that, were I omniscient and all-powerful, I’d grant to those in the sports world who could use a helping hand.
I’d begin by bestowing a sense of humor on Bill Belichick, who, regardless of the circumstances, always looks as if someone just backed over his favorite dog with an F-150. C’mon, man; you’re the coach of one of the best teams in the NFL, you’re handsomely compensated, AND you have Tom Brady. For some reason, you invariably have the demeanor of someone who just ate a handful of bad tacos. Why so serious??
To Kris Humphries, I’d grant a stable, loving relationship with a woman whose last name isn’t Kardashian and who’s not a greedy, immature publicity whore. Hey, I hear Sinead O’Connor’s single again….
Next, I’d grant a fully functional pair of knees to Brandon Roy. Forced into retirement at age 27 by knees that couldn’t handle the pounding and stress of playing professional basketball, Roy deserved better. A thoroughly decent sort, Roy shouldn’t have been forced to choose between continuing to play and walking later in life.
Eric Wedge deserves better than to be the captain of a sinking ship, so I’d grant him the opportunity to manage a baseball team that isn’t the professional equivalent of a dog chasing its tail. Managing the Seattle Mariners after doing the same for the Cleveland Indians…isn’t that the textbook definition of masochism? What’s next, a cameo in Major League III- Chuckie’s Revenge??
Since I love Seattle, and I miss the Sonics, I’d grant Portland’s “big brother” an NBA franchise. Included in the package would be an owner who’d treat the Emerald City with respect. Oklahoma City?? Really?? In whose world is the capital of Redneck Nation a step up? I mean, have you ever been to Oklahoma? I have, and I’m not even certain they have a Starbucks there (though they do have a McDonald’s built on both sides- and over- I-44). Sooner Nation may not be the edge of the known universe, but you can certainly see it from there.
Speaking of the Emerald City, I think it’s time that Seattle Seahawks fans were granted a quarterback who doesn’t make Matt Hasselbeck look like the Second Coming of Johnny Unitas. Yeah, Tarvaris Jackson’s certainly been every bit the savior you thought he’d be, eh? As a fan of the Minnesota Vikings, I’m here to ask Seahawks management if they were watching the same quarterback I was over the past four years. Jackson couldn’t lead a pack of hungry Cub Scouts to a Dairy Queen, much less a mediocre Seahawks offense into the end zone.
Lest anyone suspect that I have a soft spot for Seattle (I do), I’d grant the Emerald City a well-deserved NHL franchise. Why should I have to drive to Vancouver, BC, in order to see an NHL game? How is it that Seattle, the 14th largest metropolitan area in the US (in terms of population) doesn’t have an NHL team…but Columbus, OH does?
To fans of the Portland Timbers, I’d grant Wayne Rooney, Lionel Messi, and David Beckham when he was 25…because I’m a Timbers fans and I’m the one granting wishes, remember?
To NBA Commissioner David Stern, possessed as he is of a “master of the plantation” mentality, I’d grant an actual plantation. He’s earned it. With the end of the lockout, there should be no doubt as to who the lord and master of the NBA plantation is.
Chip Kelly seems like a nice enough guy, and he’s clearly a helluva football coach. For making the University of Oregon legitimately worthy of annual mention as a national championship contender, I’d grant Kelly a BCS championship. Perhaps then folks in the SEC could actually locate Oregon on a map.
To Portland Trail Blazers owner Paul Allen, Puddletown’s very own Dark Lord, I’d grant his very own Death Star. Given that he’s turned the Trail Blazers’ management team into the equivalent of the bridge crew of the Death Star, why not? The intrigue, the rumors, the seemingly capricious and inexplicable firing of capable, competent people? It does resemble a plot from a Star Wars sequel, doesn’t it??
To Kevin Pritchard and Rich Cho, both former GMs for the Trail Blazers and survivals of Paul Allen pogroms, I’d grant whatever form of payback they’d choose for Allen. Pritchard was fired for whatever it is Allen fires employees for. Cho was fired for evidently not being sufficiently wired into the Borg collective that is the Trail Blazers management team. They both deserved better.
I think that both Pritchard and Cho are both better far better people than I, in that they’d probably pass on the opportunity for revenge. Of course, they might be amenable to a Trail Blazers equivalent of the Chicago Cubs’ “Curse of the Billy Goat”. Hmm…that might explain Greg Oden….
Marcus Camby has been an NBA warrior for years without much in the way of reward (except for the obvious financial ones). For persevering and being an exemplar of professionalism, I’d grant him an NBA championship, preferably with Portland (1977 seems like such a long time ago, doesn’t it?)
To Marshawn Lynch, I’d grant the well-deserved opportunity to run behind a real NFL offensive line and for a team that’s a legitimate Super Bowl contender. Lynch deserves better than to be showcasing his talent and ferocious running style in the media equivalent of rural Kazakhstan for a team that’s going nowhere.
Oregon State football coach Mike Riley is the embodiment of everything that’s right about major college football. It’s just too bad that schools like Penn State, Ohio State, and USC continue to operate under the “nice guys finish last” delusion instead of learning from Riley’s example. He deserves better, so I’d grant him the polar opposite of 1983’s “Toilet Bowl”, the Civil War game that ended in a 0-0 ties and was quite possibly the worst football game EVER. In the spirit of this season’s Alabama-LSU BCS championship game, Riley deserves a national championship game in which Oregon and OSU are ranked #1 and #2. Maybe then Mel Kuyper could manage to find Oregon on a map.
Like every brand new year, 2012 begins fully stocked with hope and optimism, which will no doubt be folded, spindled, and mutilated beyond recognition by the end of July. Perhaps if one of these wishes could be granted, the world would be a better place. Then again, I’m not omniscient and all-powerful. If I was, Green Bay would be 0-16 and looking forward to drafting Andrew Luck. Immediately after being drafted, Luck would then convert to Mormonism and immediately leave on a five-year mission to Chechnya.
Yes, I’m just that mean, vindictive, and horrible….
Happy New Year, y’all!!
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