Golf’s Split Personality

If anyone comes up with the game, Driving Range (DR), I’m going pro. Which inevitably leads me to what a friend said to me long ago: “That’s why they call it golf, not ‘if’.”

As I am sure you all know, DR has no trees or unplayable lies. All you do is hit it. I’m pretty good too. Give me a target and distance and I’ll flight it within ten yards. See the water that is not there? Exactly. I won’t get near it. Need a 7-iron right down the middle? No worries. What about hitting driver five times in a row without slicing it? It’s all good, I’m your guy. And no hazards, how sweet is that? Three-wood over 200 yards and no anger to follow? Right here. What about that pitching wedge 125 yards landing on a plateau within five yards? Talk about destiny calling.

For now, DR doesn’t keep score. Which again puts me in the top 1%. Not tax brackets, long iron brackets. DR gives me chance after chance without messing up. No ego to hurt either, only broken tees. My Sand Wedge never looked so good. Hybrids? Stripe it every time. The Magic Club (20-degree, 3-Iron Replacement Hybrid) loves it so much, DR Hall of Fame called the other day to make it the inaugural inductee. DR’s cousin, Practice Putting Green, is in as well. My Odyssey Putter lags as good as anyone. Three foot putts? Money.

So why does DR Me make Real Golf Course (RGC) Me look like an idiot? RGC Me has issues. One hole I am slightly fading the driver down the middle and the next hole comes a snap hook. Over two hundred yards to the hole? Three wood, right? Well, RGC Me slices it so bad I’m two fairways over. Oh, the horror. As I approach my third shot, the real nightmares come in to play. Short irons. Which these days, RGC Me plays them like clothes irons. Flat with minimal distance. Then comes the putter. In other words, the frozen tundra. Brrrr. The last time I sank a putt over fifteen feet Bill Clinton was residing in the Oval Office. Short putts? I’m better off trying to blow the ball in to the hole.

RGC Me loves the double bogey. DR Me loves perfect conditions every time. RGC Me is attracted to water like magnets to metal. DR Me is attracted to the sweet spot on every club. Their only common trait is both like to drive off grass rather than mats. Worst of all though, RGC Me wants nothing to do with DR Me. DR Me continues to reach out because everyone says to keep playing DR. People say to keep practicing and RGC Me will improve. For now, however, RGC Me isn’t buying what DR Me is selling. RGC Me keeps pushing putts, pulling drives, chunking wedges and leaves the game at the end of every round only to start again the next week. DR Me is never upset and always walks away happy. RGC Me is no devil and DR Me is no angel. But if I could only get each to be on the same page on the same day of play, life would be pretty great.

If only golf wasn’t a four letter word, life would be like…