AFL In PDX, WTF?

I’ve always regarded the relationship of arena football to the NFL in the same way I regard Christian rock’s relationship to secular rock. They both wear the same clothes, they both technically practice the same craft, but on some fundamental level, the audience always knows the difference.

To be honest, I hadn’t even thought of arena football for the last five years until the other day when I heard that Portland is slated to get the 14th franchise in the illustrious AFL. This led me to my next question, “Wait, what exactly is the AFL?” Here’s what I found.

KISS owns an AFL team. That seems like a meaningful fact. I have no idea why, but it just feels significant. Maybe they were sitting around counting decades worth of merchandizing royalties and they figured, why not buy an AFL team? It would give them a chance to tour America’s mid-market arenas without having to go through the trouble of putting on make-up and plunking out “Love Gun” for the 10,000th time. Word on the street is they’ve signed up a total of 8 players (not enough for an NFL squad, but enough for the AFL) for their 2014 season opener.

The AFL isn’t yet, it seems, on the right side of the supply/demand equation when it comes to attracting top-tier talent. Whereas NFL teams spend the last months of the summer trying to pare down their rosters, AFL teams resort to open tryouts to round out theirs. Not that open tryouts are a bad thing. In fact, I think they add a wildcard flavor to the league, and I can’t help but think of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZYQ6BZRr8vU ). This sort of free-for-all endeavor can lead to some vibrant characters on the field.

Average attendance for an AFL game is usually between ten and thirteen thousand people. Capturing that fan base in Portland (not exactly a football-crazed city) could be tricky. These guys are going to be playing in the Rose Garden (oops, I mean MODA Center) which gives them the benefit of a central location. The Hillsboro Hops were able to draw an average crowd of around 3,500 to their relatively out of the way facility. If they can pull that many people out to Hillsboro for that many games, then the unnamed Portland AFL team should be able to fill 10,000 or so seats for the nine home games they play, if not with die-hard fans, then at least with the bored or curious. When you consider that season ticket packages in other AFL markets start at $120, then it seems like a pretty attractive, low-cost thrill.

AFL football is by no means a sure thing, though. First off, it looks significantly different than the NFL-style game. There are only eight players on offense and eight on defense. There are complicated rules indicating who can rush the quarterback when and how. These rules contain such nebulous descriptors as “mac” and “jack” linebackers. The “jack” linebacker must stay within “an imaginary box” behind the line of scrimmage and is not allowed to rush the quarterback.  On offense, any lineman can declare himself the tight end by raising his hand and telling the nearest ref that he is, in fact, the tight end. The goal posts are only nine feet wide, with nets on either side that bounce a missed kick back into the field of play where it can then be run by the other team. Oh yeah, and the field is only fifty yards long. And the best part? No punting! All going for it all the time. Fast-paced, sure, but probably kind of punishing, which leads me to the biggest problem with this league as I can tell so far: no stars.

One of the best parts of minor league baseball (especially AAA) is the chance to see the talented kids who could be tomorrow’s stars, yesterday’s stars past their prime and the occasional cameo appearance by an injured superstar rehabbing their way back to the bigs. So far, the AFL has none of that. I don’t recognize any of the names on the list of stat leaders. The league is partially compiled of nearly-made-its from major programs (I saw Alabama, Florida State and Arkansas represented) wanting to stay in shape after getting dropped from a practice squad. But the lion’s share of the roster is made up of the college football underclass, represented by unknowns like Grand Valley State, Pearl River CC and Tarleton State. I know every one of these guys is in far better shape than I will ever be and have made sacrifices I could never imagine, but I’m just not that interested in watching them play football. To get me excited about AFL football, you’ve got to throw me a Tim Tebow, a Plaxico Burress, and maybe, next year, a Mark Sanchez. If you’re going to try to strip football down to its most exciting parts you have to go all the way and give us some stars.

I can’t wait to hear the name they choose for the franchise (Acid Rain, The Fixies, The Old Town Junkies?), but I’m pretty sure it will eventually fold. Since its inception in 1987, the AFL has fluctuated between eight and eighteen teams, even folding for the 2010 season before reforming a year later. That being said, with the right beer deals and cheap enough seats, I can’t wait to see what happens when showmanship and football collide.