In honor of seeing the trailer for Exodus: Gods and Kings for the umpteenth time, I am pleased to bring you the NFC West as members of my favorite brand of mythology: Greek. Unfortunately, unlike the trailer, I will not have a moody/atmospheric cover of an old pop song in my piece (go ahead, go to a movie and watch the trailers… the covers… THEY’RE EVERYWHERE). Ok fine, if it will help increase the enjoyment of my article then just sing “Space Oddity” by Bowie, only do it in the style of Bon Iver. Happy now? Good.
St. Louis Rams: The Origin Myth of Hephaestus
There are varying accounts of the birth of Hephaestus, but the iteration that I am using, my favorite version, is one that begins and ends with a fall. In the offseason, after a few months football drought, there began murmurs of a rise. St. Louis, post NFL draft, has what it takes to become ruler of the division.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=muqjbRbeDFc&t=0m47s
Hephaestus, son of ‘it’couple Zeus and Hera, was set up to have it all. His parents were the top gods, he lived on Olympus, he was born with a silver hammer in his hand, and he could swing the hell out of that thing. This is where the fun ends for Hephaestus and the Rams though. Preseason and pre-birth circumstances have the damnedest way of turning out lame. In the case of Hephaestus it was his bum leg that made his mother cast him from Olympus, by way of throwing, and gave him the ugly and mangled face he is famous for. For the Rams it was also a leg, a knee to be specific and Sam Bradford to be exact, that derailed a promising future. Now the Rams bide their time until next season, winning an occasional contest using clever gadgets created by Hephaestus (*cough beating Seahawks with a punter pass cough*).
San Francisco 49ers: The Story of Jason and the Argonauts (infighting, drifting)
The story of Jason and the Argonauts, as told in the Argonautica, is one that begins with so much promise and excitement. A group of vetted warriors come together and unite under a hero who seems destined for greatness, only, nothing ever comes of their struggles and strife. Similarly the 49ers, with a monstrously talented roster, united under young, brash, and manic head coach Jim Harbaugh.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Gts_s9SHlc
With the Argonauts their quest was to find the Golden Fleece, (of the gold-hair ram that would give Jason Kingship of Iolcus) a relic that holds similar benefits to a Super Bowl trophy. It grants supremacy for a time and recognizes the valiant efforts of those who bravely secured it. But for every positive step that the Argonauts and 49ers make towards their prize, it seems there is an equally alarming action that follows to derail all their gains and well wishes. When it comes to Jason and the Argonauts, the main force behind their’many failures was their’skepticism about Jason’s ability to lead. With Heracles among their ranks many of the members of the crew were at odds with the choice in captain, feeling that his methods were not conducive to success. Given the similarities in their stories, Jim may as well change his name to Jason Harbaugh because everywhere he looks people are looking at his crew and asking what if. What difference would it make to have a player-friendly coach leading this impressive group of players? Would different leadership have pushed this team over the edge when it came to the Super Bowl? Unfortunately, these questions and questions about the end of Jason’s journey can never be answered as the chapters of this book were never written. The Argonautica was never completed so Jason’s fate is left sealed in limbo for the rest of time. Harbaugh, on the other hand, will know the fate of his merry adventure sometime after this season.
Arizona Cardinals: The Greek Army in siege of Troy
In a perfect world, the next section of this article would be a video of Arizona Cardinals’ players and coaches being introduced as Greek soldiers, all while a cheesy 90’s sitcom theme plays in the background. Similar to this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8oVfIFrpslI
Seriously, can you not just picture Bruce Arians as Agamemnon eating a leg of lamb? If only.
This comparison was the easiest of them all to make because the Greek army and the Arizona Cardinals are made up of such similar elements. They are led by a boisterous cult of personality, Agamemnon, who rubs people the wrong way (Bruce Arians), they have a warrior who stops fighting after a breach in his contract/honor when his war bride is taken by Agamemnon (Carson Palmer, only he stopped playing when he got a contract/injury), and lastly you have skilled and level headed general Odysseus who keeps the whole thing together with his crafty plans (In this case the whole Cardinals defense is represented by Odysseus and his Trojan Horse).
What made the Greek army so formidable and, eventually, successful was their ability to scramble together as a unit and solve the many problems that faced them in strange lands. The Cardinals, after losing quarterback Carson Palmer for the year, have also currently washed ashore upon strange lands. The question remains can the Cardinals, like the Greeks, push on without one of their best soldiers and manage to break through to the Promised Land i.e. the Super Bowl?
Seattle Seahawks: The Story of Narcissus
Last but not least (currently 2nd in the NFC West) are the Seattle Seahawks who have been all over the place this year. While this statement could be used to describe many aspects of the Seahawks this year, my focus is on the ubiquitous Hawk media coverage since winning the Super Bowl. I can’t turn on the T.V without Russell Wilson whispering in my ear about insurance or Richard Sherman selling me soup. The Seahawks, like mythological mirror gazer Narcissus, can’t get enough of themselves and it’s becoming a problem.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lc0sA2WsCgY
Last year the Seahawks broke through and won a Super Bowl. Thanks to this, many players have become household names and have been able to develop a brand. There is nothing wrong with developing a brand. In fact, I wish the 2005 Super Bowl team could have won so that Lofa Tatupu could have been popular enough to start selling a luxury bread line with the slogan, “Have a Loaf-a Tatupu.”
Alas, it was never to be.
Narcissus was doomed because he was so in love with himself that when he saw his reflection in a river he fell in love and died by the riverside. Don’t die by the riverside Seattle. Just because the reflection of last year’s team looks so good, don’t fall in love with it. The problem with swooning at the sight of what you were is that the team staring back at you is not this year’s team. Ask the Giants, Packers, and Ravens if living through last year’s merits helped them. The Seahawks must pull themselves from the river and become what they were last year. If not they will be sitting by the riverside in 10 years remembering fondly the one Super Bowl they won.
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