Not long after the NFL owner’s meetings convened, I sat down for a conversation with Seattle Seahawks General Manager, and close personal friend, John Schneider. The following exchange took place in a seedy bar in a sketchy section of Scottsdale, AZ. And completely in my own mind.
Brad Stickney (BS): Bro, good to see you. Glad you could make it.
John Schneider (JS): Are you kidding? I wouldn’t have missed this chance to hang out with you for anything. Not only are you my favorite sports journalist, and really, a genius and conquerer of all media forums. But you are also, without question, my best friend in the entire world. We are totally the two best friends ever.
BS: Totally feel you, bro!
Pause for emphatic bro hug and fisted chest thump.
BS: So, first off, you have got to be so stoked to have stolen Jimmy Graham from the Saints like that? Sean Peyton must have really been bent over the whole Graham contract dispute to let you snatch him up like that.
JS: Bent over is a good way to put how he felt. But, you know, we loved Max. All the guys love Max. He’s going to be missed. But when you have an opportunity to fleece another club by giving up practically nothing for their best player. It’s always been mine and Pete’s philosophy to make those kinds of moves to continually try to improve our team while at the same time completely humiliating the other organization. Even Paul (Seahawks owner, Paul Allen) got a huge laugh out of calling Tom (Saints owner, Tom Benson) to talk smack once the deal was finalized. But, I mean, you know, we loved Max.
BS: Sure. Unger was definitely a good dude. But you were going to have to release him as a cap casualty anyway, right?
JS: Well, sure. Absolutely. He was just becoming too expensive and couldn’t stay on the field. So when we learned we could move him, and a first round pick that would have garnered us second round talent, to get one of the premier scoring threats in football and screw over the Saints at the same time. C’mon, man.
BS: Yep, you finally have a big red zone target for Wilson. Can’t help but wonder how different the outcome would have been had he been throwing to Graham instead of Ricardo f’n Lockette on that play.
JS: C’mon, man. Let it go.
Dramatic pause for silent reflection.
JS: Hey, you gonna eat that last wing?
BS: It’s all you, bro. But what a difference a prolific TD machine like Graham will make in this offense. I can close my eyes and see those Wilson deep rainbow passes dropping gently into Graham’s arms as he sprints up the seam.
JS: That’s funny, because Russ actually has his eyes closed when he throws those passes.
BS: Say what? I know I didn’t just hear you say that. And you have ranch dressing dripping off your chin.
JS: No, it’s true. He mastered it in college. Obviously, he is too short to see over the linemen. So he has learned to closes his eyes, concentrate and focus so intently, and with so much clarity and conviction, that he mentally wills the ball into the receivers’ hands. I’m dead serious. That’s how we’ve got by all this time without a true stud receiver. But don’t tell Dougie Baldwin I said that. He’s so angry all the time anyway since his goldfish died. You think a guy would get over something that happened when he was 7.
BS: Hold on a minute. So you’re trying to convince me that Russell Wilson uses, what … the Force … to deliver passes?
JS: Well, yes, sort of. But in Russ’s case it’s the actual hand of God that delivers the completion.
BS: The hand of God?
JS: Russ is very well connected to the big guy upstairs. I’m telling you, man. An actual angel appeared in my room the night before the draft and instructed me to select Wilson. But not until the third round to keep him humble. It really was divine intervention that brought us together. Otherwise, we would have selected a pass rusher with that pick.
BS: Well, if that’s the case, then I’m even more perplexed over that last call. God should be wiser than to attempt a quick slant at the goal line to Ricardo f’n Lockette?
JS: C’mon, man. You have to let it go. Should we get some more wings?
BS: Go for it, bro. So, with the Niners implosion, that makes winning a division title seem to be even more of a forgone conclusion. Does part of you feel bad how everything seemed to fall apart for them after the move to Santa Clara? Or, as a competitor, do you just see a divisional opponent getting weaker, and that’s a good thing?
JS: Honestly, I’m going to kind of miss Coach Harbaugh and all his childish whining and sideline antics. Made for some comical entertainment in the midst of some really serious smash mouth games. Especially when Kaepernick would do something stupid to turn the ball over. Priceless.
BS: Will you miss the whole 12’s versus Niners Nation rivalry? It’s just not going to feel the same without Harbaugh versus Pete. And Sherm. And Baldwin. Man, we have a lot of guys that disliked Jim Harbaugh. That’s going to be a missing element going forward playing the Niners.
JS: I’ll tell you what I won’t miss. Trying to get squashed all the restraining orders the Niners filed on behalf of Vernon Davis against Kam Chancellor. I mean, I can understand a simple assault and battery charge. But attempted manslaughter?
BS: Well, it does seem like Bam Bam Kam tries to kill him. I don’t know how Davis wasn’t taken off in a stretcher on that sideline play two seasons ago. Looked like Chancellor broke him in half. I’m certain that’s why Vernon retired prior to last season without telling anyone he was retired. Sure looked like Kam was trying to murder him on that hit.
JS: He was. And it was premeditated. Let me tell you something. Kam Chancellor is a bad man. We are actually all quite terrified of him. Everyone in the building. That’s why we never, and I mean never, make direct eye contact with him. Not even the rest of the LOB. The dude can concuss you with a handshake. You want to try to tell that guy you’re not offering him an extension until the final year of his contract? C’mon, man.
BS: Yeah, I think only Beast Mode himself plays with the same ferocity and nastiness that Chancellor does. Lynch seems to have bad intentions every time he takes the ball.
JS: That’s the thing people don’t understand about Lynch. When he goes onto the field it’s pure Beast Mode. But the rest of the time, the times he is surrounded by his teammates, or friends and family, in those times you get to see the real Marshawn. The guy is a sweetheart.
BS: Yeah, I’m not sure I could call a guy that runs so violently and imposes his will on defenders so fiercely, a sweetheart.
JS: You would if you truly knew him. The guy is a big softy. He even has a kitten shirt that he wears under his game jersey. Not a shirt with images of kittens. A shirt made of actual LIVE kittens. And he protects them like a momma cougar on the field between the whistles. But after the game, he’ll often be sitting beside his locker just stroking that shirt and giggling like a school girl as those cute little buggers try to suckle at his nipples. It’s really a very sweet and tender sight.
BS: That … is just … yeah … umm … huh …
JS: C’mon, man. Don’t be so closed off. Free your mind. It’s a beautiful thing that in this day and age a grown-ass man can openly and proudly pretend to nurse furry little kittens at his breast. A beautiful thing!
BS: Wow! Look at the time. Where’d I put that Uber number?
JS: C’mon, man! It’s not daylight yet. You wanna come kick it at the hotel? We can play some Madden. Order up some bacon cheeseburgers from room service. Dude, I have an insane mini-bar. We can raid the thing bare. No one even checks my expenditures. Like ever. It’s so awesome being me.
Pause for silent drunken reflection.
BS: Yeah, no. I’ve got to catch a flight. But let’s get together again before the start of the season. Maybe I can get your take on the training camp battles.
JS: Sure, yeah, whenever. Whatever, man. Respect. Hey, did you see where my shirt went?
BS: No, man. You took it off hours ago. You said you had the meat sweats. I lost track of it after that.
JS: No worries. Happens all the time. The wife always tells me to tie it around my head so I don’t lose it. Sometimes when I’m drinking I just need to feel the air on my chest, you know.
BS: Well, thanks for the chat bro. I think you guys will be booking a trip to Santa Clara this January. How sweet will that be to represent the NFC in the Super Bowl on your division rivals home field?
JS: That will be sweet. And you better believe it will turn out differently this time than the last time we played in the Super Bowl on a division rivals field. Ricardo f’n Lockette.
BS: C’mon, man. We’ve all got to let it go.
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