More than 50 million people played fantasy sports in 2014, participating in a billion dollar industry that continues to grow every year. With the NFL ready to begin this week, fantasy leagues across the nation are set for a new season.
I’ve had varying opinions about fantasy leagues. On the one hand, it seems like harmless entertainment, a mild diversion from work, family or anything else in life that is infinitely more important. On the other hand, being a part of a fantasy baseball league myself, I often find it hard to enjoy games like I normally would. Whom do you root for on when your ace fantasy pitcher goes up against your favorite team in a divisional showdown? I’m glad to say I still put my team first before fantasy points, but thanks to fantasy leagues, there is now that nagging voice inside my head telling me that one loss may not be so bad if it means a few more points in my league.
Fantasy leagues also tend to de-value not only the players but the so-called fantasy owners as well. All too often now, when a player gets injured or when life has the nerve to get in the way, you hear more about how it will affect fantasy teams rather than actual teams or the person injured. Tearing an ACL, or suffering any other numerous injuries, is serious business, and potentially jeopardizes someone’s livelihood. Fantasy leagues desensitize us to these injuries, making a game out of what is a very real ordeal for a player and something they are in constant threat of every time they take the field.
For others, large sums of money are at stake; future earnings are won or lost based on someone having a good or bad day at “the office.” Can you imagine if people put money down on how well you did at your job from day to day? I mean, why should we get to have all the fun when it comes to other people’s careers? I think it’s time we turn the tables a bit. As such, while not applicable to everyone, I give you the rules to Fantasy Office, where professional athletes get to own you.
Showing up on time/Showing up late +1 point for arriving on time/-1 point for every 5 minutes late
Can you imagine if Aaron Rodgers arrived at a game seven minutes into the first quarter? He would be vilified and called a bum, so there is no excuse for you showing up late to work because you have a hangover or because it’s a Monday. Get your ass to work on time!
(Side note: this rule would automatically keep me out of the first and second round of any office drafts).
You take frequent smoke breaks You are the Jay Cutler of the office, automatic -5 points every day.
Pay Raise +5 points per percentage of raise
You must be doing something right (Russell Wilson), or they just can’t find someone else to do your job as well (Josh McCown) and/or everyone else is more expensive (Andy Dalton). In the end, it doesn’t matter as long as you keep bringing home the checks.
Demotion -20 points
You used to be Johnny Paperclips, but now you’ve been benched for bad performances and sent to the basement to do menial paperwork. Not a good sign moving forward and office fantasy owners will be putting you on the chopping block, much like the company you work for just did. Maybe Robert Griffin III or Johnny Manziel will find it in their heart to keep you around a little longer.
You show up to a meeting with genuine, well thought-out ideas that will benefit a project and/or company +5 points.
The likes of Peyton Manning will smile upon your dedication to his fantasy team.
You fall asleep during a meeting -5 points.
The likes of Eli Manning will smile upon your ability to be awake only when needed.
You bring in doughnuts in the morning +15 points (+25 for voodoo doughnuts)
Nothing brightens the morale of your fellow co-workers, or changes their perception of you, than a box of freshly made doughnuts. Wait, is that a Voodoo Doughnut box you brought in? For one day at least, you are the Rob Gronkowski of the office, the one everybody wants to party with.
You bring in doughnuts but leave a note saying you have to pay $1.00 per doughnut -15 points
I don’t care if you are trying to send your snobby kid to England for a graduation present. You’ve been doing it for 10 years now and we’re all pretty sure your kids are at least 30 years old. This isn’t cool and your greed as turned everyone against you. Have fun on Kam Chancellor’s fantasy league.
You get pregnant -10 points
Not exactly thinking about the team, are you?
Accidentally send risqué email to coworker (-10 points) or boss (-25 points) that was meant for your significant other or your friend with the very liberal sense of humor +20 points if you get a response back saying how funny it was/+50 if it was your boss who sent the response.
You’ll be sweating out this outcome as soon as you click the send button without double checking first who it was actually sent to. It could be nothing, but if not, you’ll have your own email-gate to contend with that will make deflate-gate seem like a bunch of hot air. Much like New England was for the past couple months, Tom Brady will be sweating out how many days of work you could potentially miss due to your visual oversight and trigger happy mouse.
Correct all your mistakes before anyone notices for a full day +75 points
Equivalent to pitching a no-hitter, because even when a pitcher throws a no-no, there is usually at least one or two mistakes they get away with. It is a day so rare that it will earn you a boat load of points and make some professional athlete very happy to own you, until the next day when you screw up so badly, everyone notices and your name goes up on the trading block. Happiness for a fantasy owner is a very fragile thing; better to just be perfect every day.
Sick Days=DL No points earned
You’re sick and have to miss work? Nobody will care about you losing money or the demands it will take on your family. You are missing work and somebody is losing fantasy points and isn’t that what really matters? Down a few ounces of DayQuil and get back to work. Besides, best-case scenario is that you get someone else really sick and handicap another athlete’s fantasy team. It’s just good strategy to go to work sick.
Working all the way to 5:00pm on a Friday +50 on deadline Fridays/+100 on non-deadline Fridays
You are the ultimate dedicated worker if there is nothing due on a Friday and you still work to 5pm. Even on deadline days, most people will work a bit faster to get to happy hour on time. If you achieve full points here, you are the Tim Duncan of your office, boring but a real champion.
Like all fantasy leagues, this one will evolve and change with the times and any suggestions are more than welcome. Hopefully, this will give all our athletes something to do on their downtime. Because, believe it or not, even athletes deserve some time off to do something as frivolous as fantasy office. Good luck to all the workers out there; make your owners proud and give it your all. You can start by setting that alarm clock a bit earlier.
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