There are few moments in life more nerve-wracking than the days leading up to an event or gathering where a jilted lover has that horribly awkward first encounter with their recent ex. This is doubly true when you know that ex has been hanging out with “that girl from the office” who they always insisted was “just a friend”, but is now making more appearances on their Facebook page than Donald Trump in late night talk show monologues.
You might be able to keep yourself busy in the days leading up to said event, but soon enough, the day is upon you and you must face your newly minted mortal enemy. How do you react?
Do you call up that cute girl you met at a bar the other day and invite her to the party in a blatant attempt to show off your “new” arm candy?
Do you talk to some friends ahead of time and formulate an elaborate plan to avoid your ex at all costs, never staying in the same room for more than five seconds, all while avoiding even the slightest eye contact?
Or, do you start slamming middle-shelf vodka early and often, leading to you shouting incoherent insults of a very personal, and very sexual, nature across a crowded room while everyone awkwardly ducks their heads and scatter like roaches when the lights come on?
More likely than not, you forge new ground and come up with your own unique way of making this most awkward of nights memorable (even if you blackout somewhere along the way). Because even the most well laid plans are likely to be cast aside once reality actually starts to get in the way.
Well tonight, the Portland Trail Blazers and their fans get to play the unenvious role of jilted lover, as LaMarcus Aldridge makes his highly anticipated return to the Rose City, bringing his new office girlfriend along for the ride.
Of course, his “office girlfriend” is the 5-time NBA Champion San Antonio Spurs. So, they are more of a beauty queen turned bank CEO who gave up her high paying job in order to become a 5-star chef for orphaned children than an office girlfriend. Which is to say, so annoyingly perfect to the point that you’re not sure if anger or friendship are more prominently featured in the next step of your “grand plan”. It really could go either way.
With that in mind, let’s take a moment to examine a few possible scenarios that might play out tonight as this most high profile of NBA breakups plays itself out in front of a nationally televised audience.
The Nightmare Scenario
Let’s get this one out of the way first. LaMarcus comes out blazing, feeling the confidence that only comes with playing in a building that he called home for the past 9 seasons. After hitting his first six shots to start the game, Aldridge never slows down on his way to a career high 49 points, throwing down no less than four brutal two-handed dunks on Meyers Leonard in the process.
Meanwhile, Damian Lillard struggles, putting up 12 points on 22 shots, as he is thoroughly outplayed by another former Blazer great, Patty Mills, as the Spurs cruise to a 122-79 victory. All 700 Blazers fans who stay until the final buzzer reluctantly applaud the sheer dominance, have a good cry together, and promise to never speak of this day again. Meyers Leonard takes an indefinite leave of absence from the team, as he contemplates whether or not he wants to continue playing basketball.
This is basically the equivalent of the new girlfriend stepping in, proving that she’s not only great, but clearly better than you in every way, and then promptly stealing all your friends after talking at length about her collegiate soccer career and being invited to take your starting spot on your intramural kickball team. Let’s move on.
The Crowd Pleaser
In a surprising turn of events, after being introduced to a smattering of boos, the introverted Aldridge makes an unprecedented move and grabs the mic on press row to addresses the crowd:
“Uh, hey, everyone. I’m not, ya know, the best at this… ya know… but, I just wanted to tell you all, ya know, how much Portland meant to me, ya know, as not just a, ya know, player, but as, ya know, a person. Ya know. Thanks, ya know, for, ya know, all, ya know, the, ya know, memories, ya know… ya know.”
After the now sentimental crowd is all buttered up, Aldridge proceeds to put in 32 points and grab 14 rebounds… in a losing effort, as the Blazers get a combined 72 points from Lillard and CJ McCollum, while Meyers Leonard drains a career high 7 3-pointers, en route to a 114-110 victory.
Despite the loss, though, the Spurs look like legit contenders, eventually cruising their way to their sixth title, with LaMarcus winning NBA Finals MVP. Meanwhile, the Blazers young guns stepped up big, LaMarcus Aldridge made peace with the fans he left in the lurch, and despite falling only 3 games short of the playoffs, the Blazers end up with the #1 overall pick (and don’t screw it up this time). It’s the kind of happy ending that everyone hopes for, but, we rarely get.
Do you know why we rarely get this kind of moment? Because it’s so absurdly happy that even Hollywood wouldn’t touch that ending. It’s basically as if you went to cuss out your ex, but before you get a chance, you get introduced to the new girl’s best friend and hit it off like never before. Soon you’re having bi-weekly double-dates with your ex and enjoying every moment of it. The four of you, now completely inseparable, eventually buy conjoined houses on the same cul-de-sac and begin sharing carpool duties to soccer practice.
Sorry, ya’ll, that shit just doesn’t happen.
The Schadenfreude
From the moment he stepped on the floor for pregame warmups, the boos began relentlessly reigning down on Aldridge from every angle. For the entirety of the game, nary a possession goes by where the once great Blazers touches the ball and is not serenaded with the type of venomous verbal onslaught once only reserved for the most vile of Laker. From the opening tip you could see in his eyes that Aldridge was not expecting this kind of reaction, and you can see it has him rattled.
By the time the third quarter comes to a close, the Blazers are sitting on a comfortable 14-point lead, and LaMarcus is shooting a woeful 2-14 from the field, putting up a piddly 4 points and 4 rebounds. Spurs Head Coach Gregg Popovich benches Aldridge for the entirety of the fourth quarter. A fourth-quarter where the Spurs roar back and are now inbounding the ball under their own hoop, clinging to a 2 point lead with 12 seconds remaining on the game clock.
With the Blazers clearly preparing to foul for possession, Popovich puts Aldridge and his 85% free throw shooting on the court to help seal the win. Or so he thought.
Knowing that he’s cold, the Blazers opt to leave Aldridge open on the inbounds, and are able take the foul with 10 seconds left. Time to pull out all the stops. Free Throw Guy is now sitting sternly in his seat, while Paul Allen is jumping up and down like a lunatic. LaMarcus is so confused by this that his first shot misses so badly that it lands outside of the backboard square. Somewhere Chris Dudley silently nods with approval.
The second shot doesn’t do much better, barely grazing the rim before being corralled by Ed Davis and handed off to Damian Lillard to work his magic. The Spurs are smart, though, and triple-team Lillard to force the ball out of his hands… and in to the hands of a wide open Meyers Leonard.
And, while the shot doesn’t fall, it doesn’t have to… because a hard closing LaMarcus Aldridge tumbles into Meyers, giving him 3 free throws to win the game. 1…. 2…. 3. Ball game. Blazer fans celebrate like it’s 1977 all over again. Meanwhile, Aldridge sprains his ankle on the play and never fully recovers this year, while the Spurs get bounced in the first round before Tim Duncan, Manu Ginobili and Gregg Popovich all retire at year’s end. The Spurs never make the playoffs again.
Unwanted pregnancy. Herpes. Child custody battles. Home eviction. The whole nine-yards. All the evil, terrible things your mind can imagine. These are the types of things in play here.
The Realistic Scenario
Polite applause with a smattering of boos meets LaMarcus Aldridge as he makes his first trip to the Rose Garden Moda Center as a member of the visiting squad. You can tell he’s nervous and a little awkward, as he struggles to find his range on the silky smooth jumper that made him a superstar in this very building. However, with a veteran team around him, he doesn’t need to carry the load early, as his teammates spin the young Blazers heads around all night with a dizzying array of crisp passes and open layups.
You see, while no one cares less about a random regular season game than the Spurs, they know they need to win this one for their new star, even if he doesn’t have his best night. So, as Aldridge labors his way to 22 points and 9 rebounds (mostly from a dominating stint of play in the 3rd quarter), the Spurs cruise to a comfortable win against an overmatched foe. A foe that, while publically downplaying the situation, clearly had a few guys trying a bit too hard to steal a win from their former teammate. Namely, a clearly frustrated Damian Lillard who finished with 27 points on 9-25 shooting for the night.
More importantly, the chorus of boos from the crowd mostly dissipate by the end of the 1st quarter, and by the time Aldridge has his run of good play in the 3rd, this game feels less like some big dramatic homecoming event and a lot more like a ho-hum 9th game of the season.
Just like how all those wild scenarios play out in your mind before that party, only to have the whole thing go by without anything more dramatic than a pit in your stomach for the first few minutes. Then, you get your first drink down and forget why you thought this was gonna be that big of a deal in the first place.
Ya know, life goes on. Ya know.
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