If the Portland Trail Blazers have done one thing successfully during the early stages of the 2015-16 NBA season, it’s inspire fans across Rip City to consume adult beverages. Were you thrilled with the unexpected 4-2 start? Pop the champagne! Are you down in the dumps in the midst of an ugly losing streak? Find something to lift your spirits (like a spirit)!
Maybe you’re stoked about each and every loss with the hopes of a prime draft pick in June. A game of beer pong is clearly in order while the Blazers secure as many pingpong balls as possible.
Whichever category you fall into, chances are, libations are flowing (for all you fans 21 and older who enjoy such things) through a city that has become completely obsessed with its hoops and its hops.
Inspired by Ex Novo’s DAMON SOUTAMIRE (get it?!), here are a handful of beverages that would be a hit in Portland any season, good or bad.
*Please consume these hypothetical drinks responsibly, and make sure to order the Channing Fries, Allen Crab Cakes and Arron Falafel as appetizers.
Terry Porter
Let’s start with a simple, way-too-easy-to-not-do brew. The Terry is the only kind of brew it could possibly be around Rip City: a porter.
According to one site I stumbled upon while desperately trying to find a similarity between Terry Porter’s playing style and this particular type of beverage, there are three unique subcategories of a porter: a brown porter, a robust porter and a Baltic porter. If this is true, it’s fitting because Terry Porter was a master of threes.
Before Wesley Matthews became known for his 3 Goggles, 3 Holster and Bow3Arrow, Terry Porter owned the No. 1 spot on Portland’s list of all-time three-point marksmen after his departure before the 1995-96 season.
Call it a stretch if you want, but this one’s all about the name. Which is brilliant, if you ask me, despite its simplicity.
Mason Jar Plumlee
What’s more hipster than drinking alcohol out of a mason jar in a dimly lit bar in Portland? Maybe moving from Brooklyn to Portland during the offseason, the fourth- and second-most hipster cities in America, respectively, according to SkyScanner.net.
Good thing the Blazers went for the younger of the two Plumlee brothers. Miles Jar Plumlee just doesn’t sound the same.
Ruby Fernandez
People in the Pacific Northwest seem to either love or hate McMenamins, the home for the raspberry-infused ale simply named “Ruby.” Similarly, fans in Portland found themselves either drooling over highlights or banging their heads against the wall while watching the one simply known as “Rudy.”
With that in mind, consumers around the region will adore or despise this unique, yet flashy ale. And yes, its arrival is highly anticipated, and yes again, it will ultimately disappoint and request a trade before it goes to Europe.
Ha Seung-Jin & Tonic
Are you ready for another brilliantly clever name pun? How about our first refreshment of the non-brew variety?
The Ha Seung-Jin & Tonic is, of course, only served in a tall glass. Standing 7’3”, Ha Seung-Jin, the center from South Korea, was a 46th-overall pick for Portland back in 2004. Despite the competitive advantage he had going for him with his height, he lasted just two seasons before exiting the Association.
Don’t worry; this beverage has more going for it than just being served in a tall glass. It also smells like a pine tree because of its main ingredient, which is ironic considering the former Blazers big man was a tree among shrubs every time he stepped on the court.
Pat Connaughton White IPA
It’s deceptively hoppy based on its overall appearance…
We’ll leave it at that.
Jarrett Jack Daniels
According to an ad from a 1908 issue of The Nashville Globe (h/t Wikipedia) Jack Daniels is, “Not a Blend, but a pure straight whiskey…”
Simply put: Nate McMillan should have taken this motto into consideration when it came to Jarrett Jack’s role in the rotation.
During the 2005-06 season, Jack played 32 percent of the team’s total minutes at shooting guard compared to just six percent at the 1, according to 82games.com. That’s pretty standard for a pure 2-guard, not a blend. The next year, however, good ol Nate decided to mix things up and play Jack 62 percent of the team’s total minutes at point guard in comparison to just four percent at the 2.
Although you could argue the move was a success because of Jack’s jump to 12 points and 5.3 assist per game (he averaged 6.7 PPG and 2.8 APG the year before), the man roaming the sidelines just couldn’t help but tinker. In 2007-08, Jack’s final season with the team, the point-guard-turned-2-guard-turned-unnecessary-blend played 31 percent of the team’s total minutes at shooting guard compared to 24 percent at the 1.
Jack’s numbers dropped, he was traded before the 2008-09 season to the Indiana Pacers and he went on to have a career year starting in all 82 games and averaging a then-best 13.1 points per contest in a new system.
Johnny Walker Flynn
Remember Johnny Flynn? The point guard who stopped through Portland during the 2011-12 season for a cup of coffee (18 games)? Maybe he should have had a whisky instead. He probably could have used it.
Following a solid rookie campaign in 2009-10 that saw him average 13.5 points, 4.4 assists and 2.4 rebounds in 81 starts, the Syracuse product face planted in his attempt to establish his career following a hip injury.
Simply put, it doesn’t matter what label we’re giving this “Johnny Walker” because the only label Flynn, a former No. 6 pick, needs is “bust.”
Sam Boozie
Whenever you’re utterly disappointed with a situation that had been so incredibly hyped, this is the drink for you. This is everything described above poured into one giant mug to represent all your eggs going into one basket. Then please proceed to down that basket and realize what a horrible decision you’ve made.
Drinking anything from Odin has the same effect.
Sorry, big guys. We had to go there.
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