Guys On Ice: My name is Evgeni

***Welcome to the JONAS chatroom!***
Nick_Jonas: It feels like another awesome day filled with wacky, yet family-friendly adventures, guys!
Kevin_Jonas: I like pandas. They’re soft.
The_Other_One: Baybeehhhhhh!

Nick_Jonas: We’re so lucky to go to a school with one of the most liberal uniform policies ever.
Kevin_Jonas: I know! If I wore this cravat thing at any other school, I’d get my butt kicked.
The_Other_One: Baybeehhhhhh!
Kevin_Jonas: Hey…who’s that guy talking to our obligatory female jailbait character?
Nick_Jonas: He does look really familiar for some reason…we should say hi.
The_Other_One: Baybeehhhhhh!
Jailbait_McGee: Hey guys! This is Evgeni. He’s new here and he’s from Russia.
Kevin_Jonas: Well, I’m Kevin, and these are my brothers Nick and, uh…the other one. Welcome to America!
Malk_Man: Borscht.
Nick_Jonas: We’re mega huge popstars whose faces and products are everywhere, but we really just want to live a normal life.
The_Other_One: Baybeehhhhhh!
Malk_Man: /punches The_Other_One
Nick_Jonas: Why did you do that?! Is that some crazy Russian thing?
Malk_Man: Makes me think of Zetterberg. I hate that guy
Kevin_Jonas: NOBODY hits my brother!
Kevin_Jonas: /flails uselessly
Malk_Man: /breaks Kevin_Jonas hands
Kevin_Jonas: AHHHHHHH!
***Later at the school nurse***
Nurse: Well, third Jonas, it looks like your jaw is broken and needs to be wired together again. And Kevin, both of your hands are severely broken. And both of you need to take a reak from your band for a bit to heal up.
Nick_Jonas: But Nurse, how will we ever play in the concert we’re giving for thousands of screaming girls?
Malk_Man: I play in Russian death techno band. I might play for you in place of brothers. Says I’m sorry for hurting them.
Nick_Jonas: Thanks Evegni, but we’d still be a few people short.
Malk_Man: I have friends.
***The next day, getting ready for rehearsal, chez Jonas!***
Staal_Boy11: …Then  you pour in some Sunny D…put the cap back on…invert it like so…and there you have a Brass Monkey. Have a taste, Fleur!
Fleury_Avec_Sprinkles: …It tastes like my soul is dying.
Nick_Jonas: You shouldn’t drink! Haven’t you ever heard that you lose with booze? You should only do good things, like eating fruits and vegetables, exercising, and watching Camp Rock.
Staal_Boy11: I’m of age this time, lay off me! Besides, it’s got sunny D, which has fruits an’ vitamins an’ shit.
SidneyNotKidney: Come on guys, we need to help out Geno when he needs us.
Staal_Boy11: Can I play drums? I’m good at banging things…LOL.
Nick_Jonas: I think that’s what I do…
Kevin_Jonas: Don’t hurt my stringy thing!
***TWANG!***
Fleury_Avec_Sprinkles: Oopsie doodle. I break a string.
Kevin_Jonas: Nick, this is such a bad idea…
SidneyNotKidney: OK guys, are we ready to start?
Nick_Jonas: *sigh* Fiiiiine.
Fleury_Avec_Sprinkles: YEAH!
Staal_Boy11: Whatever.
Malk_Man: Borscht!
***The “band” starts and plays horribly***
Kevin_Jonas: OK, stop, stop, STOP! You guys are terrible, and you don’t even look like us!
SidneyNotKidney: We could wear wigs and makeup. People won’t notice.
Malk_Man: Teen girls are dumb.
Staal_Boy11: Guys, this is stupid. The longer I stay here, the more I can feel my heterosexuality melt away.
SidneyNotKidney: Dude, Jordan—have you ever heard of a male fan of the Jonas brothers?
Staal_Boy11: Yeah, there are lots of girls, but they’re all, like, 12. Who do I look like, Carey Price?
Nick_Jonas: You know…I see a lot of mothers taking their daughters to our shows.
Staal_Boy11: OK. I’ll do it. I’ll do it for the MILFs.
Malk_Man: MILFS!
Nick_Jonas: What’s a MILF?
Nick_Jonas: /trips on amp cord, breaking his leg.
Nick_Jonas: AHHHHH! My quirky clumsiness has foiled me again! And there’s a bone sticking out…and…oh gosh, blood….
Nick_Jonas: /passes out
Kevin_Jonas: NICK! Ahh! Blood.
Kevin_Jonas: /passes out
SidneyNotKidney: So…uhhh…I guess we’re lip-synching then.
Fleury_Avec_Sprinkles: Is ok, as long as I’m not the ugly one, it will be ok.
SidneyNotKidney: If anyone’s the ugly one, it’s Geno.
Malk_Man: You’s ugly one!
Staal_Boy11: Guys, GUYS! I think all three of them were the ugly one. But then again….Miley Cyrus is one fine slice of pork chop…if you wait a bit.