Comment sections on the internet can be, well, interesting as I’m sure you already know. Sometimes, they get beyond interesting and are straight up creepy. Today, we’ll take a look at some Brian Burke fan fiction that I found in the comments at the Globe and Mail after the Habs beat the Leafs 5-4 Saturday night. Everything is sic’ed and completely, totally written by commenter Montgomery C. Burns. Consider that your warning.
Still on the topic of Burke and Spirits, I bring you: A Hollowed (Sic) Evening at Brian Burke’s House
Brian Burke is at home handing out goodies, while his wife, Jennifer, takes their two young children trick-or-treating around the neighbourhood. Burke has a clipboard with a list of inventory, which includes two Leaf tickets to the kid who most impresses him.
He calls his wife to see what their sons got from the neighbours and makes comparative notes to what he has doled out to his neighbours’ kids.
“Jen, have you been to the Williams’s household yet”?
“Yes, Bri, we have.”
“What did the boys get”?
“They each got a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup.”
“What the F***”! I gave each of their kids two Hershey bars. @%&* ‘em!!
“Now, Brian, it’s only chocolate…”
“I don’t give a rat’s a**! We had a deal that the boys were going to get two Coffee Crisps apiece. What kind of parents give out Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups?! This is going to stunt my boys from developing proper levels of testosterone! @%&* them for giving out this pansy-a**ed crap”!
“Our boys, Brian.”
“Keep me updated,” he barks to his wife.
A group of three teens comes to the door. Burke sizes them up. They are sporting Edmonton, Vancouver, and Montreal hockey jerseys.
“You look like a strong kid”, Burke says to Kid # 1. “Do you play hockey”.
“Yup”, says the Oilers’ fan.
“What position do you play”?
“Defence”.
“Defence, humph. We could use a good defenceman. Okay, kid, let’s pretend that I’m a forward with Big Blue, and this bowl of candy is the puck. You’ve got to stop me from touching the tree, which is the net.”
“I’m just here for a treat, not a trick, mister…”
“Look, if you want something, you got to play along! Now, when I come toward you, I want you to stop me from reaching that tree. You got it”?
(Kid looks at his friends and shrugs his shoulders.)
Burke comes lumbering down and the kid braces himself. He sticks his shoulder out and connects with Burke, but the momentum sends the kid flying into the bushes. He picks himself up and retreats.
“You call that a hit? Geez, even Kaberle would have thrown a half-a**ed bodycheck. You’re cut, kid! I’m looking for someone more pugnacious. Kevin Lowe can have you!”
“Man, this dude is lame,” says Kid # 2. I bet I can stop him.”
“Can you now, young man”?
“Yeah, I’m a goalie, and I’m a pretty good one in my league,” says the Canucks’ fan.
“Okay, then, let’s see you with this one.”
With the gauntlet tossed, Burke picks up an apple and fires it at the kid. The budding goalie gets a piece of it, but it rolls through his legs. The kid hangs his head in shame.
“Even Toskala would have saved that one, kid.” Are you going to chop me with your goalie stick?
“No, sir.”
“Work on your truculence, Mr. Raycroft, Jr., or you’ll never make it to the NHL.”
Suddenly, Kid # 3 has an egg that he’s about to fire. Burke grabs his arm and twists it. The kid drops the egg immediately. “Ow, let go of my arm!” cries the Habs’ fan.
Listen, Smurf, if you want to succeed as a bottom-six forward, you have to become more belligerent, and bigger.”
The three kids start booing Burke. Just at that moment, Burke’s phone rings, and the three youngsters run off.
“Bri, Mr. Jones has offered Junior a job to rake his leaves for $10 per hour”, says Jennifer.
“@%&*, I’m paying him $8 per hour and he’s barely getting the job done”!
“I think he likes being at this house more. Jones has a bigger, healthier yard, and other kids like hanging out here.”
“@%&* Jones! There’s no way he’s going to hire my son! I’ll match what he’s offering. And while I’m at it, strike him off the Christmas card list!”
The Smith boy is the next one to brave the Burke household. He breaks out of the pack of friends that he’s with, and steps up to the door sporting his Leafs jersey and an Upset Fan.com bag over his head. “Trick or treat”!
Burke answers the door. They talk for a short while. The boy talks about how he enjoys playing hockey (he centres a line in Bantam), working part-time, and playing with his friends.
Burke admires the kid. “Hey, you’re the first kid to wear a Leaf jersey tonight. I like your courage and appreciate your support! I could use a few guys like you on our team! How would you like to see a game and meet a few of the players afterwards? I have two Leaf tickets for you.”
“No thanks, mister, I’d rather not. I’m not really a Leafs fan; I’m a Montreal fan. I just wore this awful outfit as a dare from my friends. Anyway, your team really stinks, and you’re just a bully.”
Burke is speechless. Until now, no one has ever stood up to him, let alone a 13-year old boy.
The boy walks away with his friends—empty handed—but richer in spirit. That’s what’s important; after all, Spirit is Everything.
I think there is supposed to be a lesson or moral in there somewhere. I can’t figure it out though. Make fun of Brian Burke on halloween? Teenagers that trick-or-treat are dicks? Habs fans are dicks? I’m not sure.
Happy halloween, everyone.
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