TFDS contributor AJ DeMello has exhaustively reviewed each of the Raiders’ 10 draft picks to break down their strengths and weaknesses like no other site offers.
The content of this article comes from the twisted mind of AJ DeMello and is for entertainment and comedy purposes. For more of his jokes and one liners follow A.J. on Twitter @humorousfiend.
1st round pick: WR Amari Cooper, Alabama
Strengths
-2014 Fred Biletnikoff award winner
-Became first Alabama player to catch 100 passes in a season
-Set Alabama’s single season records for receptions (124), yards (1,727) & TD’s (16)
-Doesn’t own a cat
-1st team All-American
-Celebrates touchdowns by acting like he kind of just scored a touchdown
-SEC Offensive Player of The Year
-31 Career TD’s (most by any player since 1956)
-Quick feet, makes good breaks in his routes
-Big hands; can literally wrap his hands around his hands
-Averaged 15.2 yards per catch
-Deflates balls with his mind
-Can line-up anywhere
-Dangerous with ball in his hands
-So good at route-running; has time to look over shoulder to tell the DB that he’s, “hella bland”
Weaknesses
-Run blocking needs some work
-Has to get better at finishing routes
-Dropped 13 passes over the past two years
-Sneezes on children
-Can improve his body use to shield away defenders
-Being compared to Marvin Harrison and some even to Jerry Rice…certainly, there will be NO pressure
-If he’s feeling down, he’ll eat an amazing amount of reeses pieces
-So good, he has no more weaknesses
2nd round pick: DE Mario Edwards, Florida
Strengths
-Versatile enough to line-up anywhere on the defensive line (and start)
-Holds the edge well; forces running-backs back into the middle of the defense
-Has a good bull-rush
-Has done back-flips while weighing 300lbs (Promised treats may have played a factor)
-Stout against the run; uses his long arms to shed blockers
-Stout against the run; uses his long arms to shed blockers
-Can win one-on-one match-ups, so he’ll benefit lining up opposite of Khalil Mack and Justin Tuck
-When he gets his hands on you, it’s like he don’t give a **** (you are going down, basically)
Weaknesses
-Still a little raw in his game
-Fluctuating weight
-Although he may shed some blocks, he’s still unable to shed key lime pie
-Has been known to eat the crap out of a pork rind
-Relies more on natural strength than technique at this point
-In his 3 year career at Florida he’s only produced 8 sacks
-Has a long-lasting relationship with a little thing called, ‘snacks’
-Lacks first-step quickness
-Scouts aren’t sure if he’s got a definitive position
3rd round pick: TE Clive Walford, Miami
Strengths
-Not just an exceptional receiver but in-line blocker, as well
-Decent speed as he gets down the seam
-Has seen, “The Matador” at least 15 times
-Tends to stay away from the pork rinds
-Caught 44 balls for 7TD’s last year, so he’s productive
-2nd-team All-ACC & a Mackey Award Finalist
-Good hands; won 3rd place in a pig-gripping contest
-Can develop into a nice red zone threat
-Doesn’t celebrate TD’s by eating pies
-Multiple receptions in 11/12 games
-Will often times make the contested catch
-Scouts have compared him to Dwayne Allen and Martellus Bennett
-Basically, he can go up and get the pig-stuff (35″ vertical leap)
Weaknesses
-Has had some focus drops (10 drops from 2012-13)
-Not as good as he can be yet in the blocking game
-Wears his helmet in the shower
-His play-speed has been inconsistent
-Has had issues with securing the ball after the catch
-Takes issue with strangers that call him, “brother”
-His favorite TV show is “How I Met Your Mother”
-Needs to work on taking better angles in his routes
-Lack of beard continuity
4th round pick: OG Jon Feliciano, Miami
Strengths:
-Excellent pulling-guard
-Has good size at 6’4 324lbs
-Started 13 games; an All-ACC honorable mention
-Good character guy, has overcome a lot of adversity
-Doesn’t forget when its him and his wife’s anniversary
-Versatile; playing every position on the O-line outside of center on game day
-Used to throw deer with his pops back in his heyday
-Anchors well
-Has given up only 4 sacks over the past 3 years
Weaknesses
-Will occasionally scoot after games in search of Bigfoot
-Will occasionally scoot after games in search of Bigfoot
-Doesn’t possess great foot quickness
-Needs to get better with his hand placement
-Holds fort with retired mimes in Mom’s basement
-His preferred ‘angry’ music of choice during practice is La Bamba
-Projected by some to be only a role-player/fill-in where needed player as opposed to a definite starter
-Projected by some to be only a role-player/fill-in where needed player as opposed to a definite starter
-The longer you sit here and read this, you become no smarter(But keep reading..it gets good)
5th round pick: LB Ben Heeney, Kansas
Strengths
-Relentless pursuit to the football
-Relentless pursuit to the football
-Earned 1st-team All Big 12 honors
-In 2014 he had 127 tackles, 1.5 sacks, 2 FF’s, 1 INT with 12 Tackles for a Loss (so for a 5th round pick – he kind of plays like a boss)
-Reacts well, instinctive, and plays fast (4.59 40)
-Eats healthy, doesn’t really put on the blubber
-Doesn’t have a hard time saying, “No” to running-backs with a stutter
-Refuses to use chap-stick
-Refuses to use chap-stick
-Plays like a man with his hair on tire(s)
Weaknesses
-A little undersized at 230lbs
-Hard time recovering after a misstep
-Bit of a hit or miss on his angles when he shoots to the ball
-Average athleticism
-Likely just a two-down player
-Seriously needs to re-think ingesting too much honey before practice
-Not a great pass-defender
-Somewhat juvenile; has a tendency after bad games to belittle people online who believe in Mermaids
5th round pick: LB Neiron Ball, Florida
Strengths
-Decent in coverage
-Above average speed for a linebacker (4.59 40)
-Played every linebacker position at Florida
-Soiled any offenses inquisition that he wasn’t up to cover their guy in transition
-Makes teammates believe that without success, you burn in hell for all eternity (give Ray Lewis pre-game WTF type speeches that taps into life’s obscurities)
-Plays to the whistle
-Possesses some decent pass-rush ability
-Give himself a chance to stick if he can get back to the level he was playing at on special teams before his injury
Weaknesses
–Injury prone; had microfracture surgery on his knee last November
-May not be a good enough overall tackler to make an impact on special teams
-Has been caught making some rather ill-advised memes
-Inconsistent in diagnosing plays
-Smaller backer, can get pushed around
-Isn’t exactly flashy
-Chalk makes him gassy
6th round pick: DE Max Valles, Virginia
Strengths
-Had 9 sacks with 13 tackles for a loss last year
-3rd team All-ACC, started all 12 games
-Has experience playing with his hand on the ground and standing up
-Has experience playing with his hand on the ground and standing up
-Played good enough at OLB to step in there if a starter goes down with an injury
-Smart guy; often reads Webster’s Dictionary
-Can crash the edge
-Is able to diagnose plays/has good snap anticipation
-Has a knack for deflecting passes at the line of scrimmage
-Can still grow into his frame/full potential not yet reached physically
Weaknesses
-Has a knack for being slow to the ball carrier (as if it’s the Mrs.)
-A little predictable as a pass-rusher
-Not big enough at this point to be an every down player
-Not big enough at this point to be an every down player
-Doesn’t have phenomenal instincts
-Raw player at this point, will need to really take to coaching
-Some tight-ends have taken him out of games
-Footwork not great off the snap
-Majority of his sacks weren’t due to him beating blocks
7th round pick: OT Anthony Morris, Tennessee St.
Strengths
-Started 10 games last year
-Part of an O-Line that allowed 0 sacks over the past 4 games last year
-Hangs out with the other freaks on the gluten-free diet
-Thinks that one day he will actually start a gluten-free diet
-Part of a passing offense that threw for just under 3330 yards last year
-Quick feet
-Is always conscious (doesn’t forget to eat)
-Blocks well outside as well as inside, so he can move around if need be
Weaknesses
-Fouled out of a steel cage match against his kid brother
-Doesn’t play well with hugger’s
-When hugged, will smother
-Eats yam over toast
-Has admiration for being the ‘hero’; absolutely kills it when playing Guitar Hero
-Should maybe play less Guitar Hero
-Has thoughts about being a martyr
-Consider himself at this point to be a self-sharter
-Kind of hard for people to find information on him, so he should try to stand-out more (you’d think he would, since he’s 6 friggin’ 7)
7th round pick: WR Andre Debose, Florida
Strengths
-Has the potential to be ‘dolla-dolla-bills’ sick (can make it rain in the punt & kickoff return game)
-Has the potential to be ‘dolla-dolla-bills’ sick (can make it rain in the punt & kickoff return game)
–Has 4.3-type speed
-Good athleticism/ability to change motion with ball in his hands
-Can contribute immediately not just on special teams but possible right away in Bill Musgrave’s offense, who likes to get players like Debose in space
-Tied for third all-time in the SEC with five combined return touchdowns (4 kickoff, 1 punt)
-Tied for third all-time in the SEC with five combined return touchdowns (4 kickoff, 1 punt)
-In his sophomore year caught TD’s of 64 yards or longer, so he’s flashed potential as a receiver
Weaknesses
-Missed two seasons due to injury
-Probably just a special teams guy
-Missed two seasons due to injury
-Probably just a special teams guy
-Decided to sit out his last game in college at the Birmingham Bowl
-Hasn’t exactly lived up to his potential as a receiver
-Like a Raiders 4th round selection last year, Keith McGill, he’ll be 25 as a rookie
-Actually likes messed up movies like, “A Walk To Remember” (C’mon, they may as well have just called that movie, “F*** People in Wheelchairs)
(Hey, If YOU were in a wheelchair, you’d be like: “F*** that movie”, Ok?)
7th round pick: CB Dexter Mcdonald, Kansas
Strengths
-Not afraid to play bump N’ run; a common trait possessed by great CB’s in Oakland
-4.42 speed (common trait possessed in Oakland, yet this player can offer more than a win in a foot race)
-Has good size and length for a corner at 6’1, 200lbs
-Great hand usage; commonly pins/throws off receivers at the line of scrimmage
-Had 15 passes defended last year to go along with 2 INT’s
-Gets into defenses’ heads with his on-point Denzel Washington impression
-Digests plays well, showing good transition
-Plays every damn snap like a Man (On Fire) that’s on a mission
-Has fluid hips, adjusts well
-Made corrections on and off the field from improving his grades to dropping his weight
Weaknesses
-Rumored to have kicked Rudolph
-Has trouble when receivers fake outside, then work back in
-Obscenely gestures during a safety
-Once gave one of the opposing team’s player’s girlfriend a little thing called ‘rabies’
-Came close to making babies
-Has a high-center of gravity
-Misses some tackles
-Doesn’t always turn to look for the ball
-Will allow too much space between himself and the receiver at times
-You can bet your ass if he doesn’t learn to locate the football, he’ll get no pork rinds
All photos courtesy of Raiders.com
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