The thought of doing a second recruiting-related post in less than a week was nearly enough to get me to walk to my car and begin slamming the driver’s side door on my head. However, it’s at least a two-minute walk to my car from where I currently sit, and given my current state of motivation, it might as well be in El Paso.
Plus, I don’t like pain, particularly the self-inflicted kind (I accidentally scratched myself on the neck with a fingernail while drying off after showering this morning and thought I sliced open my jugular), and many of the people out there enjoy the recruiting talk. So, in a dismissal of my core values, I will yield to the desires of the people and talk about recruiting rankings as they stand inside of two weeks until signing day.
(Note: I omitted Texas A&M and Missourah because in my mind they’re not in until they play a game. Also, I don’t have the energy.)
Alabama
- 27-time recruiting national champions
- Defending recruiting national champions
- Actual national champions on the field
- Exposing scrotums in Krystal national champions
Current National Rank: 1
Top Players: ALL THE GOOD PLAYERS.
Arkansas
- Cotton Bowl champions
- Jerry Jones World champions (2-0 in Arlington)
- National champions of telling everyone how awful Houston Nutt is
Current National Rank: 20-ish
Top Players: Not as good as LSU, Alabama, Florida, Auburn, South Carolina or Georgia, but pretty close to Tennessee
Auburn
- Defensive coordinator hair and mustache national champions
Current National Rank: 15-ish
Top Players: “NOT AS GOOD AS OUR BOYS, PAWWWLLLL! AND PROBABLY A BUNCH OF THUGS!!! RTR, BABY!!!! NATIONAL CHAMPS IN EVERYTHING AGAIN!!!!”
Florida
- Early offseason arrest national champions
- Coach most likely to spit up blood national champions
Current National Rank: Probably top five
Top Players: See, “Best High School Players in the State of Florida”
Georgia
- Assistant coach willing to fight national champions
- Conservative national champions
- When in doubt, play for the field goal national champions
Current National Rank: 10-15 or so
Top Players: Permanently stuck below LSU and Alabama, despite being a school of comprable size and wealth
Kentucky
- Elite Eight national champions
Current National Rank: Unable to compute; can only find basketball rankings
Top Players: John Calipari’s next class
LSU
- National championship game pre-game fight rumor national champions
- Bobby Hebert’s national champions
- Jordan Jefferson eligibility expiration national champions
Current National Rank: Top five-ish
Top Players: Anyone who is anyone in Louisiana
Ole Miss
- Coach in The Blind Side national champions
- 14 straight SEC losses national champions
- Billboard co-national champions
Current National Rank: 30-40-ish
Top Players: Those who were going to Mississippi State before we paid them
Mississippi State
- Egg Bowl national champions
- 5th place SEC West national champions
- Hailing State national champions
- Billboard co-national champions
Current National Rank: “Someone needs to tell the NCAA that Ole Miss is paying players!11!!111!”
Top Players: Only the best from “Our State”
South Carolina
- “We ain’t Clemson” national champions
- Back nine national champions
- Non-fat and non-smoking assistant coaches national champions
Current National Rank: Hovering around the top ten
Top Players: Those who enjoy pitchin’ and catchin’ it a little bit. Also, a few defensive guys.
Tennessee
- Offseason angst national champions
- Most assistant coaches leaving national champions
- Couldn’t happen to a nicer bunch national champions
Current National Rank: 15-20, but Phil Fulmer has yet to make certain arrangements
Top Players: Anyone not from Tennessee
Vanderbilt
- Head coach willing to fight national champions
- West End national champions
- Ole Miss national champions
Current National Rank: Something like in the 30s
Top Players: Good enough to irritate everyone else and maybe beat Kentucky, but always beat Ole Miss
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