You mean more about Ole Miss/Texas? YOU KNOW IT. That’s what I did this weekend, so you’re still gonna hear about it.
But, while you’ve heard excessively about the game, you haven’t heard some of the other stuff. The type of stuff that happens when people have something like 12 hours to kill before the biggest home football game in 9 years.
In no particular order, the deleted scenes of this past Saturday.
-I got to the Grove a little before 2 and found it to be David Cutcliffe playing Arkansas State crowded. The only difference was the buzz in air, which was the exact opposite of waiting to watch a David Cutcliffe non-conference game.
-Not 50 yards inside the Grove, I ran across a band playing. While not unusual in the Grove, as fancy pants tents do this with some regularity, this band was playing that one song by The Fray that everyone has heard thanks to radio being horrible.
AND PEOPLE WERE STANDING THERE LISTENING TO IT. Of all the bottles that have been thrown by Ole Miss fans over the years, why, oh, why could one not have been summoned at that moment to meet the lead singer’s sternum.
-As the day wore on and drinks were consumed, a trip to the bathroom was inevitable, which lead to a quest to find the shortest bathroom line. Few feelings in this world top finding a bathroom line that is shorter than all the others, so this was a fairly important quest.
In order to find such a line, the bathroom everyone knows about, which is usually the nearest one, must be avoided, and you have to tap into the remembering part of your brain to access the location of the obscure, but not too-out-of-the way bathroom. With some help, I found such a bathroom and experienced sweet relief in a timely fashion and smug superiority with each trip.
Where was this bathroom, Ole Miss people might ask? I’LL NEVER TELL. ENJOY THE LENGTHY PRESSURE ON YOUR BLADDERS, SHEEP.
Also, if I were a female, I would pee on myself two or three times during a sporting event. The lines to their bathrooms are BRUTAL no matter where you go.
-My seats were on the first row of the late ’90s addition to the east side of the stadium (40-ish rows from the field), which meant there was a walkway/aisle directly in front me. This is important because the guy sitting next to me used the walkway to pace around like a caged tiger between plays. If he had been able to get in the game, Ole Miss could have played the whole night with him as our one defensive lineman and RUINED Texas’ business.
-The same guy also treated our section to a “Go to hell, Barack Obama” just before the national anthem. Later, each time Texas was penalized, he and his wife would scream with ALL THE PASSION, “Cheaters, f—— cheaters!” When confronted about their language, their defense was, “We’ve had these seats for 12 years.” CASE CLOSED, YOUR HONOR.
-Coke Zero was readily available at all concession stands and it was DELICIOUS, which made me wonder why Coke even bothers to make Diet Coke anymore? Sounds like the influence of Big Cancer has no bounds.
-Miss America, or, to some, ‘Merica, sang the national anthem, and either she was rattled by 12 hours of pregame festivities or everyone singing along with her, but surely this was not her talent during the pageant. If so, I fear the integrity of pageants has been compromised.
-In a moment of seriousness, the pregame video work on the PoweTron was excellent. Never thought I would live to see the day when Ole Miss hired people who do that sort of a thing for a living and get out of their way. A GOB backslap to everyone involved in that process. Also, people still LOVE Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight.” I mean, LOVE IT.
-Because I am a bad Rebel, I left the game at halftime to avoid watching the wave of destruction you could see coming, and mostly not to be around happy Texas fans. In doing so, I missed the streaker, seen here:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=VbCOJsnrc5M?rel=0
But, on the way out of the stadium, I walked right by police surrounding a young male on the ground who was wearing only his boxers and handcuffs. I was unaware he had just performed for the entire stadium, but I was very aware that no shoes, shirt, and pants is a good way to get arrested. It is also the name of one of Kenny Chesney’s piles of shit.
-Finally, as much time as there was for drinking, I never ran across someone who was probably going to use the Grove as a personal restroom (I’m sure they were there somewhere). This probably comes as a disappointment to former chief of public relations at Ole Miss, Jeffrey Alford, who once willingly told the state’s largest newspaper that he saw a man defecating in the Grove. Always a good time when your PR person has no filter between their brain and mouth.
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