Tale Of The Tape: Hammered Drunk Defensive Line Coaches

Announcing his presence in Nashville and the SEC with authority, Vanderbilt defensive line coach Vavae Tata drunkenly attempted to navigate the streets of the city on Sunday and, predictably, failed.  He successfully hit two parked cars, then left the scene and was picked up by Nashville's finest a few blocks away because drinking also impairs one's footspeed and ability to avoid detection.

Yesterday, Tata was indefinitely suspended from his coaching duties by head coach Derek Mason, which probably means the lawyers are figuring out how much they have to pay him before he's told he doesn't work at Vanderbilt anymore.  But, the good news for Tata is that the coaching profession is filled with guys who have been given second/third/fourth chances to get their lives in order.

One such coach is Joe Cullen, current defensive line coach for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.  Cullen first appeared on SEC radars when he was hired by Ed Orgeron as a part of Orgeron's initial staff at Ole Miss.  

Then just a few months after arriving in Oxford, Cullen was fired for public drunkenness while visiting a Subway in Oxford and passing out (A TALE AS OLD AS TIME).  Luckily, Cullen eventually got himself together, but not before a pair of drunk driving arrests as a Detroit Lions assistant coach, one of which involved him driving naked through a Wendy's drive-thru, and has been an NFL coach since 2010.

While both of these defensive line coaches had pretty spectacular arrests, which one is more spectacular?  To find our answer, we turn to a tale of the tape.

BLOOD-ALCOHOL CONTENT (legal limit of .08)

Tata:  .18 percent

Cullen:  Undetermined.  My googling didn't take me past page one because I am lazy, but Cullen's BAC was enough that he passed out in a Subway and was unresponsive when police and others tried to wake him up.

ADVANTAGE:  Tata

PROPERTY DAMAGE

Tata:  Two parked cars, his car, and possibly some lawn damage as he set out on his quest to escape the scene of his crimes via his unsteady feet

Cullen:  None.  Cullen placed his order, then slipped into a warm, cozy booth and went to sleep.  Plus, I frequented that Subway many times (this was before I realized how horrible Subway is) and it would be impossible to distinguish fresh booth damage from previous booth damage.

ADVANTAGE:  Tata

DISCOVERY

Tata:  Found a few blocks away from his crash as he was making a stumble run for the sweet freedom of his Holiday Inn home.

Cullen:  Asleep in a Subway booth.  At the time it happened, I said that he was facedown in his meatball sub, which wasn't true.  But I wanted to believe it was true and have for so long, it's sort of like George Costanza's advice to Jerry about taking a lie detector test:  it's not a lie if you believe it.  So, MEATBALL SUB IT IS!

ADVANTAGE:  Cullen

LIE

Tata:  "JUST TRYIN' GET TO BACK THE HOLIDAY INN.  THAT IS MY HOME.  HOME INDEED, OFFICERS.  THE PLACE WHERE I REST OFTEN AND SLEEP AND I WANT TO SLEEP NOW.  DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT WRECKS AND CARFS AND WHEELS YOU KNOW IT."

Cullen:  "ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ…..(confused wake-up look)….just waitin' on my sandwich, sirs.  Just had two or three beers.  I'm exhausted.  So much film.  Can't even tell alligator twitch from regular twitch now.  Though a rest would be good.  Do you have any beers?"

ADVANTAGE:  Cullen

OUTCOME

Tata:  He's been indefinitely suspended and one would think the chance him keeping his job is not good.

Cullen:  Fired, but later settled with Ole Miss for $64,000 of his salary.  Of course, his adventure was just beginning, as the two arrests in Michigan (only one of which was naked) were to come.  In the end, he escaped three years of hell under Ed Orgeron, got $64,000, gave the world a naked drive-thru story, and appears to have stopped making extremely dumb decisions, which is good for everyone.

ADVANTAGE:  Cullen

With a final tally of 3-2, Joe Cullen walks away from this tale of the tape rumble as our winner of the most spectacular defensive line coach arrest.  He wins nothing, other than knowing we all got to reminisce about his Subway arrest.

But good luck to Vavae Tata as he hopefully tries to follow Cullen's path (minus the drunk and naked arrest) in finally not making extremely dumb decisions.