The SEC Media Days pairing were announced earlier today, which doesn’t really mean much other than a reminder that there are people who will be forced to spend four entire days in Hoover, Alabama. That’s up from the standard three-day affair, so congratulations to the Hoover Chamber of Commerce for strong-arming the SEC office into another 24 hours of money being spent in Hoover.
If you forgot how this all works because your mind is still thinking about those poor bastards who are locked into 96 hours of Hoover, there are two sessions each day, with one in the morning and one in the afternoon. This year, two coaches will be assigned to a session and will split the time allotted (3 hours!) for each session.
In order to make this remotely interesting on this June 3rd, 2014 (and that’s a loose use of the word “remotely”), we’re taking the pairings for each session and vomiting out names that would be in consideration for a CBS sitcom if it starred both coaches. If any good comes of this, it’s that you’ll pass on to your children, friends, and neighbors the value of never watching any CBS sitcoms ever (you should already be doing this anyway).
I find it works best if you say all of these in your best Jim Nantz “It’s an all-new…” voice, like you’re reading promos during NFL games, which is mercifully keeping Phil Simms from talking for 10 seconds. And that’s where the real joy in all of this is, friends.
Monday
Session I
Commissioner Mike Slive
Gus Malzahn
Gus Pedal
Commissioner’s Pet
Slive One By
Anybody’s Gus
On Your Mike, Get Set, Gus!
Men Without Huddles
All Vest Up
All Gussied Up
Session II
Will Muschamp
Derek Mason
Will & D
Will’D
BeWill’Dered
Will Power
Fired And Hired
No Offense, But…
Maison Willss
Champ & The Mase
Tuesday
Session I
Steve Spurrier
Dan Mullen
Advisors
Spur Of The Moment
Spur Our State
Our Spur
Stevie Dan
Click Clack, Like ‘At
Hail Ball Coach
HBC-Ya After While
Session II
Kevin Sumlin
Butch Jones
Who Are You?
Have We Met?
Hi, My Name Is…
Sir, Yessir!
Sum of a Butch
Summed Up
Jonsey & Kev
You’ve Got To Be Kevin’ Me!
Wednesday
Session I
Steve Shaw/Justin Connolly (referee person and TV person)
Gary Pinkel
Not even CBS would give this trio a pilot opportunity. Instead, CBS just shows reruns of How I Met Your Mother and draws 819 million viewers.
Session II
Les Miles
Bret Bielema
Les Bertérables
Miles Of Bert
Bertless
Miles To Go Before We Bert
Les Is More
Bert For Les
These Berts Are Made For Walkin’
Bert Do With Les
Thursday (FOUR DAYS OF THIS, SERIOUSLY, FOUR)
Session I
Hugh Freeze
Mark Richt
Pew & Pulpit
Freeze Mark
Freeze Your Mark
Freeze, You’re Mark!
Preacher Men
Pastor & Pastor
Hughly Richtable
Freeze Party In The USA
Win The Mark
Session II
Nick Saban
Mark Stoops
Roll Tide*
Roll Tide Roll*
RTR*
Roll Tide, Y’all*
Roll Tide Roll, Y’all*
RTR, Y’all*
*Only options allowed under Saban’s new contract
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