World Cup Teams Ranked In Order Of Those You Should Hope Lose Every Game

The World Cup begins tomorrow and goes for the next month, which means most of June and parts of July won’t suck like they normally do. Instead of nothing but baseball and summer TV, we have a sporting event that creates patriotism, drama, and excuses to leave work and go to bars to watch games with other people who made up excuses to leave work and went to bars to watch games with people like you.

Despite the World Cup being one of the most popular events in the world, not many people in the United States know who is playing or even where it’s being played (Brazil is an answer to both questions). All they know is that they will cheer for the USA when someone reminds them it’s time to go to the bar and watch.

While cheering for the USA is important, it’s also important to know which teams you should root against and take almost as much pleasure in them losing as you would in the United States winning. But since the World Cup begins in less than 24 hours, you probably don’t have enough time to familiarize yourself with who deserves the better part of your spite (for more effective hating, read this).

Fortunately, I am here to offer a helping hand. In a very short period of time, I have hastily thrown together (as if there is any other way) a ranking of the 32 teams in order of those you should hope lose all of their games.

For clarity purposes, though it’s probably too late for that, the team ranked first is the team you should most hate and hope they lose all their games with the most unbridled enthusiasm.

1. Greece
2. Greece
3. Greece
4. Greece
5. Greece
6. Greece
7. Greece
8. Greece
9. Greece
10. Greece
11. Greece
12. Greece
13. Greece
14. Greece
15. Greece
16. Greece
17. Greece
18. Greece
19. Greece
20. Greece
21. Greece
22. Greece
23. Greece
24. Greece
25. Greece
26. Greece
27. Greece
28. Greece
29. Greece
30. Greece
31. Greece
32. Greece

At this point, you may be asking, “Why so much anger in the direction of Greece?”, and you, unaware temporary soccer fan, have asked a good question. You see, Greece is a team that is miserable upon miserable upon miserable upon miserable to the infinity times infinity power to watch.

Their strategy is to play 11 men behind the ball (meaning EVERYONE THEY HAVE ON THE FIELD) and play defense (ROLL TIDE), with no attempt at offense. It is a strategy that is intended to drive opponents insane, with the hope that the opponent makes one mistake and allows Greece to score off of said mistake.

Greece should have 1-0 emblazoned on their flag because that is their dream every time they play a soccer game. And then maybe a 0-0 really small in the corner because that is okay too.

Essentially, Greece is like the 2007 Mississippi State Bulldogs under Sylvester Croom. Good defense, opportunistic, and an offense that does nothing, yet is able to scratch out twice as many wins as losses.

Now, the one difference is that Greece intentionally does nothing on offense. Croom’s offense tried, but was so incompetent it got the same results as not trying.

And for any Mississippi State fans accepting of that style of play, you should know that Greece won the 2004 Euros (basically the World Cup made up of only European teams) playing that way, while Croom’s team only won the Liberty Bowl (basically the World Cup made up of C-USA and middle-ish of the pack SEC teams) so you should be angry your one-time coach followed that style of play and led you down a path of failure. EVERYONE should be squarely on the bandwagon for Greece losing by a combined score of 74-0.

So whether or not you care about the World Cup, you should make the effort to be obnoxious for the United States team, like any good American would be, but don’t forget to take advantage of free spite for and celebration in the hopeful misery of the team from Greece.