I can’t remember the last time I made predictions and took the time to write them down, and I have no plans to change that method. Instead, I put that burden of potentially being horribly wrong on you.
From now until the start of the season (hopefully), I’ll ask six extremely important and detailed questions about each team in the SEC and provide answers to these questions. With the answers to these well-researched questions, you should have all the material you need to make informed predictions about each team, which, if you are super-confident, you should attempt to turn into financial reward for yourself.
And if you don’t trust my minutes of research and thought, feel free to answer the questions yourself and be SO VERY WRONG.
Today’s teams: LSU and Tennessee
LSU
1) Without looking, can you name three players on the team? Because if you can’t name three players, the team is either severely lacking in experienced talent or you don’t pay that close of attention to other teams due to all the stuff you have to remember on a day-to-day basis.
Terrence Magee and Kenny Hilliard take over at running back for the departed Jeremy Hill, who is off to punch people in the back of the head in another city. Speaking of people who punch other people, Jalen Mills is back in the secondary and back on the team after being suspended in May. Really hope Les lets the team take a vote to see if they want him to start this year.
2) Would you trust the head coach to successfully run the Country Jamboree Rec Center Car Wash Benefit?
While there would be several fires, no fewer than five wrecks, and at least one trip to the hospital for a minor injury, it would be the most financially successful car wash benefit in United States history.
3) Can the quarterback throw the ball over them mountains?
In this case, it should be quarterbacks, as LSU is embarking on that sweet, sweet journey of trying to figure out who will start. At least two, Anthony Jennings and Brandon Harris, will play, which is always a REAL GOOD TIME (especially when Jennings is a true sophomore and Harris is a true freshman).
4) Can you reasonably expect to escape injury if forced to hold the ball behind the offensive line for at least four seconds while a defense rushes you?
LSU’s offensive line thoroughly enjoys, and typically excels, at run blocking, but pass blocking can give them trouble. If you recall, and we shall recall right now, they had trouble blocking an Ole Miss defensive line led by John Youngblood.
However, as long as they’re not having to deal with a third-team defensive end from Ole Miss, I’d feel pretty good about standing behind this line.
5) Does the offensive coordinator know the right times to RUN THE DANG BALL?
I just remembered that Cam Cameron, of every NFL assistant coach job ever, is LSU’s offensive coordinator, which makes this morning a wonderful time to be alive. His plan to avoid attacking an Ole Miss defensive line that consisted of mostly second and third-teamers was one that warms my icy heart to this day.
CALL FOR ANOTHER DEEP BALL, CAM.
6) Can the defense reasonably expect to surrender at least two career-high statistical days to opposing offensive players during the season?
LSU will always have large, insanely fast players running around on defense. Despite this, there are always a few games where this group looks like it’s coached by Cam Cameron.
One of those games is when they play Ole Miss. In two games against John Chavis’ defense, Hugh Freeze has put up 988 total yards and 62 points. That, if you are crunching the numbers at home, is what we might call “not good” (an advanced stat term).
But, since LSU only has to play Ole Miss once this year, it may be difficult for two players to achieve career-high days. Unless Dr. Bo, with one of his receivers assisting, performs the perfect surgery.
TENNESSEE
1) Without looking, can you name three players on the team? Because if you can’t name three players, the team is either severely lacking in experienced talent or you don’t pay that close of attention to other teams due to all the stuff you have to remember on a day-to-day basis.
Justin Worley, who was recently named the starting quarterback, and, yikes, now we’ve hit a dry spell. I remember they had one big wide receiver that was really young, but everyone was pretty excited about him. Seems like he caught a long pass against South Carolina or something.
There’s also a linebacker, maybe A.J. Johnson? Pretty sure that’s right. Anyway, Tennessee is truly a team with very little experienced talent and one that I can remember nothing about because I need to keep valuable Con Air-related information stored in my brain.
2) Would you trust the head coach to successfully run the Country Jamboree Rec Center Car Wash Benefit?
Even though Tennessee was generally awful last year, it was organized awfulness, which ended up beating South Carolina and nearly beat Georgia. Plus, Butch Jones, as Abe Simpson once said, has a haircut that “you can set your watch to”.
3) Can the quarterback throw the ball over them mountains?
Perhaps, but only if his offensive line keeps him upright to give him a chance.
4) Can you reasonably expect to escape injury if forced to hold the ball behind the offensive line for at least four seconds while a defense rushes you?
Normally, I do no research because that is boring and takes time. But since I couldn’t remember ANYTHING about Tennessee last season, I decided to see what they had coming back this year.
Turns out, they’re replacing their ENTIRE OFFENSIVE LINE. So, you know, GODSPEED, JUSTIN WORLEY.
5) Does the offensive coordinator know the right times to RUN THE DANG BALL?
n/a new offensive line seriously I would be unable to handle that without medication or embracing total despair
6) Can the defense reasonably expect to surrender at least two career-high statistical days to opposing offensive players during the season?
SERIOUSLY ALL FIVE OFFENSIVE LINE SPOTS. I’m just going to say yes here because the defense may be on the field for 53 of the 60 minutes in a game.
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