Six Questions To Ask About Each SEC Team Before Making Your Predictions About Said SEC Teams, Part VI: Rambo III

I can’t remember the last time I made predictions and took the time to write them down, and I have no plans to change that method. Instead, I put that burden of potentially being horribly wrong on you.

From now until the start of the season (hopefully), I’ll ask six extremely important and detailed questions about each team in the SEC and provide answers to these questions. With the answers to these well-researched questions, you should have all the material you need to make informed predictions about each team, which, if you are super-confident, you should attempt to turn into financial reward for yourself.

And if you don’t trust my minutes of research and thought, feel free to answer the questions yourself and be SO VERY WRONG.

Today’s teams: Ole Miss and South Carolina (FINALLY FINISHED WITH THIS)

OLE MISS
1) Without looking, can you name three players on the team? Because if you can’t name three players, the team is either severely lacking in experienced talent or you don’t pay that close of attention to other teams due to all the stuff you have to remember on a day-to-day basis.
Dr. Bo and his surgically repaired shoulder, which is allegedly fully functional, the brothers Nkemdiche, and Laremy Tunsil, whose health serves as the linchpin to even a moderately successful season. I can’t remember a time when everything rested upon condition of the knees, ankles, and feet of a left tackle, BUT HERE WE ARE.

2) Would you trust the head coach to successfully run the Country Jamboree Rec Center Car Wash Benefit?
Yes, even though I know he’s gonna let Laquon Treadwell try to throw sponges into tight spaces. I’ve said this before, but if Freeze calls the Treadwell pass play on the first play of the season, I will be both enraged and delighted.

Enraged because we’re running that dumb play, but delighted because it will be the finest trolling moment to ever take place on this planet.

3) Can the quarterback throw the ball over them mountains?
It depends if his shoulder is put back together and able to work properly. We’ll find out tomorrow against Boise State when he lets one go deep in the direction of them mountains.

Will he clear them or will the ball flutter into the hands of a non-Ole Miss player? WHO KNOWS AND I AM NOT EMOTIONALLY PREPARED FOR THAT MOMENT.

4) Can you reasonably expect to escape injury if forced to hold the ball behind the offensive line for at least four seconds while a defense rushes you?
Maybe! If the offensive line turns out to be not last year’s offensive line, people will not get knocked down and there’s a reasonable chance to win 9 or 10 games. If the line turns out to be like last year’s, people will be crushed and AHOY, MUSIC CITY BOWL!

5) Does the offensive coordinator know the right times to RUN THE DANG BALL?
Outside of the aforementioned Treadwell play, Freeze is pretty good at what he does. Over the last two years, he’s been limited by an offensive line filled with players Houston Nutt deemed good enough to play in the SEC, which has taken away any hope of a consistent running game.

I’d like to see him start oh man just thinking about him calling the Treadwell play on the first play of the season again and I can hardly sit still. DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT DO IT.

6) Can the defense reasonably expect to surrender at least two career-high statistical days to opposing offensive players during the season?
Is Johnny Manziel not coming back? He’s not? FANTASTIC. Two of the most amazing to watch, yet maddeningly frustrating performances I have ever seen.

SOUTH CAROLINA
1) Without looking, can you name three players on the team? Because if you can’t name three players, the team is either severely lacking in experienced talent or you don’t pay that close of attention to other teams due to all the stuff you have to remember on a day-to-day basis.
Dylan Thompson steps in for Connor Shaw at quarterback, just like a Steve Spurrier in-game substitution, but more permanent! Mike Davis is back at running back, and Shaq Roland returns to catch passes from Thompson or whoever Spurrier inevitably sends in for Thompson.

2) Would you trust the head coach to successfully run the Country Jamboree Rec Center Car Wash Benefit?
You bet, and I would insist that he runs it from the range or a golf cart during a mid-morning round.

3) Can the quarterback throw the ball over them mountains?
Dylan Thompson showed flashes of competence, followed by flashes that resulted in Connor Shaw being sent back in the game. If I were a South Carolina fan (ORDINANCE OF NULLIFICATION 4 LIFE), I wouldn’t trust him right now, but he’s got the talent to become trustworthy later in the season, then we can tell each other all of our deepest secrets.

4) Can you reasonably expect to escape injury if forced to hold the ball behind the offensive line for at least four seconds while a defense rushes you?
Spurrier uses this same drill to both terrify young quarterbacks and for his personal entertainment. Then he takes his shirt off, stands in there, and delivers a strike on a 15-yard out to the far side of the field.

5) Does the offensive coordinator know the right times to RUN THE DANG BALL?
Already excited about the look on Spurrier’s face when his offense gets a false start penalty on its first series. A SOUTH CAROLINA TRADITION LIKE NO OTHER.

6) Can the defense reasonably expect to surrender at least two career-high statistical days to opposing offensive players during the season?
Other than the false start penalty on the first series of the season, the one thing you can always count on South Carolina to have is a fairly reliable defense (oh, also: Visor throws). This group will probably be on par with last year’s, so I wouldn’t expect any career-high days from opponents.

Unless a Florida receiver hauls in 71 receiving yards. I believe that will be a career-high day for anyone in that group.