Houston Nutt’s Qualifications For The SMU Job

Wherever a college football head coaching job is in the air, you shall find Houston Nutt hovering there. After being turned away by UAB, Middle Tennessee State, UConn, South Florida, and everywhere else an athletic director was not insane, Nutt is on record as saying he’s interested in the SMU job, which became available due to June Jones walking away earlier this week.

In fact, Nutt said he’d take the job if offered because Houston Nutt will take any job if offered. Though he desires every college head coaching job that comes open, what are Nutt’s actual qualifications, for any job really, but specifically, the SMU job?

After all, he’s been out of coaching since 2011 when Ole Miss gave him money to not coach anymore, and his last two years at Ole Miss were, to put it kindly, a cataclysmic disaster the likes of which hasn’t been seen since the dinosaurs got wiped out. Fortunately, I am here to do what I can to help.

I want Houston Nutt to get at least one more job as head coach of a college football team more than anyone except Houston Nutt (I would’ve also included Jimmy Sexton, but alas, Sexton hasn’t been his agent for a few years, which is one of the great power couple losses of our time). So, to aid in the return of “Coach Nutt, your team is down three touchdowns at halftime, what do you have to do to turn things around?”, I have taken the time to list Houston Nutt’s qualifications for the SMU job, all of which are STELLAR:

• Alive
• Capable of standing on a sideline for 3-4 hours every Saturday from September to November
• Interested
• Nay, VERY interested
• So interested that he’d accept the job today if offered
• Seriously, no questions asked
• Just needs a reasonable salary and he’ll be at the press conference ASAP
• Oh, also, he’ll need a phone with an unlimited data plan
• Those are really the only two requirements: money and phone with lots of data
• No, no burner phone is necessary
• SMU is a private school so no one can file any FOIA requests to see his phone
• Did I mention he lives in Dallas?
• I’m not sure when he left New Mexico, but he’s in the Metroplex now
• He might live in Highland Park since Ole Miss gave him $4.35 million in addition to four years of $2+ million each year
• He could LITERALLY be at a meeting with SMU people in 15-20 minutes
• No private plane pickup necessary
• Though the idea of a 25-second flight intrigues him
• Just give him a location and he can be there within the hour
• Though sometimes the GPS gives him some trouble
• His meaty fingers can’t always mash the right buttons and his accent sometimes throws off the computer of the yankees who made the dang thing
• So give him a 15-minute buffer to account for technical difficulties
• He’ll meet anywhere
• Well, not anywhere – once had a pretty bad experience at a Firehouse Subs, so no Firehouse Subs
• But he still likes the drink machine at Firehouse – all those choices and flavors via a touchscreen
• Let’s get back on track here – he has coached football
• At times, successfully coached football
• Won SEC Coach of the Year THREE TIMES AT TWO DIFFERENT SCHOOLS AND THAT WAS ALL IN A SEVEN-YEAR SPAN (!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
• Knows Frank Broyles
• Often refers to him
• Won three Cotton Bowls
• Two Cotton Bowls were won at Ole Miss in back-to-back years
• You may not have heard, but that was the first time in FIFTY, I say again FIFTY, years at Ole Miss
• Once beat Tim Tebow and Urban Meyer in The Swamp with JEVAN SNEAD
• Loves graduate student transfers
• Loves heppin’
• Loves being in the people-heppin’ business
• Loves handing out scholarships
• Comes up with creative ways to spell “win”
• Will try really hard (most of the time)
• (some of the time)
• (when things are going well)
• (even then, some of the time)
• (maybe)
• Has sat next to Ron Zook in a TV studio for the past two years
• Ron Zook has many great ideas
• Some of which are related to football
• Once dressed as Wolverine for Halloween at work
• Could bring the tenacity of Wolverine to SMU
• Loves wolverines in general
• Loves most animals in general
• Especially ponies
• Loves all ponies
• Has said in recent weeks that he loves the spread offense
• He may never run a spread offense, but he loves it
• (will never run spread offense)
• Really tired of sitting in the CBS b-team studio
• Needs a change of scenery
• Fresh air
• Fresh air only a sideline can bring
• Loves fresh air
• Especially sideline air
• Nothing like it in the world
• Help him hep you

LET’S GET TO HIRING AND HEPPIN’, SMU.