Yesterday, right before I was about to go to lunch, Mike Slive announced that he would retire from overseeing the insanity and money piles of the SEC at the end of July 2015. Despite being hungry and tired of sitting at my computer, I hung around to see what information Twitter would spoon-feed me about why he decided it was time to stop commissionering.
Was there scandal? INTRIGUE? Did someone finally find out about the slush fund and string of private islands where he hires locals from neighboring islands to reenact his favorite episodes of American Gladiators and Cops*?
Turns out it was none of those, unfortunately. Instead, he’s leaving the job due to a recurrence of prostate cancer (YOU SUCK, CANCER). So good luck to him as he prepares for and begins treatment.
(*Haven’t heard this denied yet)
By the time Slive retires next July, he will have spent 13 years in the office in Birmingham (though I believe he was allowed to leave to go home to eat and sleep, as well as attend various conference events). And over the next nine-ish months, many words will be said and spoken about the success of the SEC under his leadership and, more importantly, ALL THE SWEET CASH THAT FELL FROM THE SKY.
Slive took the SEC from being a wealthy conference to one that wins the equivalent of a good-sized Mega Millions jackpot every year. That’s EVERY DAMN YEAR.
While the financial mumbo jumbo is certainly worthy of extended noting, there are other numbers of the Slive era that are worth acknowledging. Perhaps these flew a little more under the radar (maybe even beneath the ground), but I find them to be just as important.
During the Mike Slive era…
Number of head football coaches who won, lost, and needed to run the dang ball more
40
Though Will Muschamp probably won’t be back, so this will jump to 41. Well, assuming Saban doesn’t leave for Michigan. PAAAAWWWWWLLLLLLL
Number of schools that employed four head football coaches
6
Alabama, Arkansas, Tennessee, Ole Miss, Kentucky, and Vanderbilt
Number of schools that employed three head football coaches
3
Auburn, Florida*, and Mississippi State
*Soon to join the four category
Number of schools that employed two head football coaches
2
LSU and South Carolina
Number of schools that employed one head football coach
1
Georgia (Texas A&M and Missouri as well, but they haven’t had enough years in the conference to hire and fire like crazy people)
Average number of head football coaches employed per school
3.1
STABILITY.
Number of Daves who broadcast a game on a regional network
4
Neal
Rowe
Baker
Archer
One of the most trying moments in the Slive era came when Dave Rowe left the booth, which threatened to break up the triumvirate of Daves, only to be replaced by another Dave, turning it into one of the greatest moments of the Slive era. #DAVES4LIFE
Number of teams coached by Houston Nutt
2
Arkansas and Ole Miss
Number of schools who helped make Houston Nutt a millionaire and then some
2
Arkansas and Ole Miss
Number of trees poisoned
2
ROLL TIDE
Number of motorcycle wrecks involving head football coaches
1
“Of course I was alone. Why do you ask?”
Number of Trooper Taylor towel-waves
(∞ x ∞ x ∞ x ∞) + 7
Obligatory:
Number of Gene Chizik books
1
And the market still demands $19 for a copy!
Number of national titles claimed by Alabama
However many national titles there are/were to be claimed, whether real or fictitious, that’s how many Alabama claimed/will claim
T-shirts coming soon!
Number of Urban Meyer resignations
2
Wait, should I have included Steve Addazio in the coaches count earlier? He’s ANOTHER DUDE.
Number of the greatest car commercials to ever air on our planet
1
#SHRIMPSHOVEL
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