Taking place every Thursday (ALLEGEDLY), I take a look at each game, make a few BOLDHOTTAKE predictions, then declare on which side of the point spread I will place myself. The twist this year is that I’m going to pretend that $4 million of Houston Nutt’s lump sum buyout from Ole Miss, which totaled $4.35 million, was given to me by Nutt for the purposes of “exciting investment opportunities” (Nutt is keeping the last $350k for expansion of the Cotton Bowl wing of his New Mexico home).
For each game, I’ll wager $25,000 because that seems like a wildly reckless bet, yet one Houston would be okay with, and we’ll see how much money I add to his empire, or how much I lose and force him to become the running backs coach at New Mexico (he’ll probably do this anyway).
OFF WE GO.
Last week: 4-2
Season: 31-25
Money earned: $150,000
Houston Nutt’s fortune: $4,150,000
In a perfect world, SMU narrows its candidates to take over the football program to Houston Nutt and Mack Brown. Though, it is unlikely I would survive such a scenario due to excessive photoshopping and unbridled glee that would lead me to do something stupid. Regardless, MAKE IT HAPPEN, PONIES.
Louisiana-Monroe at Texas A&M (-33)
I do not understand the actions of the nurse from Maine who was in West Africa treating Ebola patients and is now home and refusing to comply with the order to be quarantined in her home for 21 days. She’s been given a three-week vacation where she is legally REQUIRED TO DO NOTHING.
This includes not going to work, but more importantly, it means she doesn’t have to engage in the daily minutiae of life, like going to the grocery store or running other horrible errands. Instead, she gets to stay at the house and have other people do all of that stuff for her.
And while they’re running around town getting milk and picking up things, she’s at home, probably wearing sweatpants and making no effort to look like a contributing member of society, doing whatever she pleases. The Price is Right every day? Why not! Gorging on Netflix and media content? Of course! Not putting on shoes for days at a time? It’s required!
SHE’S WON THE CONVENIENCE LOTTERY AND REFUSES TO CASH IN HER TICKET. This is a slap in the face to all of us who strive to live that kind of life one day.
Bet: Texas A&M to cover
Florida vs. Georgia (-13)
I’ve never understood why Georgia voluntarily agrees to having three conference home games every other year just so they can play a game in exotic Jacksonville. THERE ISN’T EVEN A LYNYRD SKYNYRD MUSEUM THERE.
SERIOUSLY, JACKSONVILLE, WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING ALL THESE YEARS? GET TO BUILDING POSTHASTE.
Bet: Georgia to cover
Kentucky at Missouri (-6.5)
Maty Mauk threw his first touchdown pass in SEC play last week, which is only interesting because it came on October 24th and in the fourth conference game of the year. In the first three conference games with no touchdown passes, Mauk threw five interceptions and yet Missouri went 2-1 in those games.
The sweet joy of playing South Carolina and Florida in 2014*!
*Or playing Florida any time in the last three years
Bet: Kentucky and the points
Auburn at Ole Miss (-2)
I would very much like to be wrong, like, VERY MUCH, but I can’t shake the feeling that the loss to LSU sucked a lot more out of Ole Miss than everyone thinks. It was an extremely physical and emotional game that Ole Miss had multiple chances to take control of and win, yet found a way to fart its way into a loss.
I know nothing (always the case) of where this team is mentally, but I find it hard to believe that, within one week, they’ll be able to get over letting a win turn into the wreck it did last Saturday. Throw in that the offensive line is in a state of hot mess and the various injuries to key players, and I don’t see how Ole Miss can score enough to win.
Despite all of that, I am still going because I am afflicted with insanity. Especially now that I see the high on Saturday is going to be 51, with a low that night in the 30s.
YOU SUCK, COLD WEATHER.
Bet: Auburn and the points
Old Dominion at Vanderbilt (-7)
I normally don’t pick games involving teams that are not D-I (I have never learned which division is FBS and which one is FCS), and so I was prepared to skip this one. Not because Vanderbilt is playing, but because I assumed Old Dominion was in the lower division.
Turns out, they are not. Welcome to D-I, Monarchs. Sorry we did not get you a cake or something nice.
Bet: Old Dominion and the points
Arkansas at Mississippi State (-10.5)
Last year, Bert nearly got himself an SEC win, as his Arkansas team held a 17-10 lead going into the fourth quarter. State tied the game early in the fourth, but Arkansas responded later in the quarter by driving to the State 12-yard line before fumbling the ball and any chance to win away to State.
The game did go to overtime where Arkansas gave up a 25-yard touchdown run on the first play, followed by Brandon Allen throwing an interception on the 12-yard line (ILLUMINATI) to claim victory for State. It was an agonizing loss for Bert and friends.
One year later, Bert is still looking for that first SEC win and Mississippi State is the number one team in the country. ENGAGE ADDITIONAL AGONY.
Bet: Mississippi State to cover
Tennessee at South Carolina (-7)
Things are looking up for Tennessee. Their quarterbacks were only sacked twice last week, which is something like 25 off the standard sack rate they were experiencing.
And in even better news, they’re playing South Carolina, a team not known for anything related to defense. Unfortunately though, Tennessee still has to offense, which, in their last three conference games, has netted them an average of 10.7 points a game. SOMETHING HAS TO GIVE.
OR MAYBE NOT. PROBABLY NOT. I DON’T KNOW. YOU PROBABLY SHOULDN’T WATCH. OR WATCH. I DON’T CARE.
Bet: South Carolina to cover
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