The Ole Miss and Mississippi State corner of the Internet, which is currently home to the world’s longest running rock fight, saw some heavy action this weekend, as a poster on a Mississippi State message board came swooping in like an AC-130 gunship*, scorching the earth on which Ole Miss stands. In eight simple steps, this poster knifed through all the reasons Ole Miss is successful at recruiting and published what really REALLY ($$$$$$$$$$$) makes Ole Miss successful at recruiting.
*a crop duster experiencing engine problems and dropping Black Cat fireworks
You can read the whole thing here, but essentially the poster claims Ole Miss has something called “The Network”, which is composed of a rich alumni who are assigned to a recruit and make sure that he’s swimming in cash so that he’ll sign with Ole Miss. Now, how the poster managed to get the details of The Network’s standard operating procedure without The Network destroying his ability to expose it remains a mystery (HINT: wrap your entire computer in tin foil).
Anyway, the poster also mentioned similar organizations existing at other SEC schools (THOUGH NOT AS RICH AS OLE MISS’, AMIRITE), but failed to mention that Mississippi State also has a version of The Network. Clearly, this version is not nearly as seedy and all-powerful as Ole Miss’, but it exists and is known as “The Grinders”.
Through tricky computering skills (YOUR TIN FOIL CAN’T STOP ME), I was able to track down Mississippi State’s recruiting playbook, which will now allow the world to see the way The Grinders get grinders to grind for them.
BEHOLD, THE BIBLE OF GRIND:
1) Create a “little white book” (which symbolizes the purity of actions) of Mississippi State alumni who never take a break from grindin’ for their State and want to be a part of The Grinders.
2) Create a list of 25 targets in #HailState territory and get it to The Grinders.
3) The Grinders members closest to said targets make contact with that recruit’s family. Find an “in”. Figure out who controls the daily family grindin’ and see what it will take to set up a grindin’ session. Don’t pay for the session, but give pointers for better grindin’. Get them on campus to grind among other grinders.
4) Assistant coach recruiting said player shares info with local member of The Grinders and vice versa. This way, everyone is on the same grindin’ page.
5) As the year moves on and the recruiting process progresses, the coaches and The Grinders start narrowing down who is really grindin’ and wants to grind at Mississippi State. The family receives nothing other than grindin’ tips, as they only want their son to go where he can properly grind with a good conscience.
6) Set the big Recruit-a-palooza weekend well in advance so that alumni can make plans to be in town during that weekend (NOTE: pay attention to hunting season calendars). Always have it coincide with a basketball game if possible (or whatever sport we are not horrible at).
Make Starkville appear that it has not been abandoned due to a bird flu epidemic. Make sure alumni know the faces of these recruits so that they give them “fist bumps” or any other grindin’-specific signs (no “blowing up” the fist bump – not a grinder move) to make their trip even more full of grind.
Make the recruits feel like the salt of the earth that they are. Make Starkville seem like the most humble place in America that just wants to get to work for that weekend.
7) Seal the “grind” in the exit interview. Local member of The Grinders handles it and more grindin’ technique is handed out and discussed. Grindin’ technique is funneled through an aunt or other member of the family in most cases to make it untraceable (can’t have everyone knowing our grindin’ secrets).
Sometimes, the grindin’ technique is even funneled through a girlfriend’s family, if they are true grinders. Set up weekly grindin’ appointments and such so that there’s enough grindin’ to go around to the whole family. Stuff like that. Always stay grindin’.
8) Reap grinders on Signing Day.
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