‘Sup ? It’s your main man Jeremy Roenick here to drop some writin’s on you. I know LD’s been pretty sloppy with posting lately, but she’s a Leafs fans and probably forgot what hockey is. Man, those Toronto fans are NUTS. I wouldn’t blame her if she’s been drinking bleach or something. I hope Phil Kessel doesn’t blow out his knee or lose his other nut or something. She’d be wrecked.
My summer’s been pretty lowkey. It’s been just the normal workouts, hangin’, chilazin’, and playing GOLF WITH GODAMNED SNAKES. <
You see, I’m so great at normal golf, it got boring. So I invented snakegolf. You play normal golf, but with snakes. It’s 10 times manlier than any other golf variation out there, including disc golf. But you have to be careful—you have to be really strict with rules or else it can turn into a game of Calvinball real fast.
I hear there’s been some brouhaha in Twitterland with some hockey players. I’d just like to say…Dan Ellis, you shut your whore mouth. Tweeting all summer about deciding which luxury car to buy and showing improvements on your house is fine, even if it does make you look like a rich asshole. But then complaining about having money worries? That just makes you look like a rich asshole who doesn’t know jack shit about managing his money. Don’t even get me started on the “Paris Hilton is a specialist” thing. All of this would have been fine except for you storming off to quit Twitter. That just makes you look like a whiny little bitch. If you post stuff online, everyone else has every right to respond to it and criticize. That’s why I’m ok with posting on this shitass blog (well, that and I’m Jeremy Roenick, so screw the haters.) I will agree with you on that Wyshynski guy—he stinks.
Paul Bisonette, you’re a madman and I love it. Keep wearing Speedos and Viking horns. I’d join you in the Speedo wearing, except I live in Arizona and I have a private pond, where I skinny-dip year round. It’s pretty awesome.
Holy hellblazers, is it October yet? I feel like this offseason’s been longer than Ilya Kovalchuk’s contract will be. Whatever happened to that? Every single time I try to read anything about it, I fall asleep. I guess that’s good that he’s playing with the Devils. It all makes sense now. (also, obligatory Martin Brodeur is fat and likes pie joke.)
Since hockey time is fast approaching, it means I can pursue one of my other passions—totally ignoring anything Mike Milbury says. It’s good for Mike Milbury if he’s losing his hair. It keeps him from looking like an old, fat lesbian that way. Manboobs are unforgiving like that.
Well, that’s all for this edition of JR time, kiddies. Tell your moms I said hey, and stay classy, BMR. I’m Jeremy Roenick?
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