Timberwolf Day

To ensure that another battered minority doesn’t slip through the cracks of our society (bad economic times and all that), we’ve decided to create a new holiday scheduled to coincide with the NBA Draft Lottery. Each year the bouncy balls representing the beloved soul of our northern brethern, the Timberwolf, will be dropped into a lottery machine. The wolf will lurk out from the lair and be shown the draft position of the Minnesota Timberwolves. If the Wolf sees his draft position improve we will know playoffs are on the way and he will enjoy watching games. But if the doesn’t see improvement he will slink back to his lair knowing playoffs are not in the cards for the next 4 years. Keep in mind that being real Minnesotans we aren’t about to use some cutsey wootsey (old english for pussy) ground hog to predict the future of this team.

As a way to embrace the Green Movement and our Minnesota roots (i.e. Super Target) the aforementioned lair will be constructed amonst the greenery of the the Target Center roof. To ensure that the the wild nature of the wolf is maintained a robust deer population will be managed by the DNR to both feed the wolf and make Minnesota eligible for a number of federal grants which can be used to clear out some of the less desirable housing to spark interest in the wonderful assortment of condos available near our fair downtown.

In the event of deer over-population the DNR will be offering a brand new Target Center Roof stamp. Hunters can enjoy the sport of kings without actually having to venture into the buggy wilderness. The venison will then be served at Huberts. As a Minnapolis institution Hubert will be offering venison wings (boneless and bone-in) in a wide array of flavors any wolf would love (Teriyaki, Dead Squirrel, and the fiery hot 2 Week Old Trout ®). It’ll be particularly enjoyable before a Twins game, does it get any better than sports at the top level… but I digress.

We are excited to give the youth of our state the oppotunity to give the wolf a name. Having actual Timberwolves fans name the wolf was discussed but discarded because anyone still following that team is too foolish to really be taken seriously in any regard. My official entrant into the naming contest will be Minneapolis Max.

Please contact the Governors office with any questions.

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Timberwolf Day

Alan Draper

Alan Draper

Alan Draper