An interview with a Penguins fan

With the hockey season underway last night, and my pick for the Penguins to win the Stanley Cup, what better time than now to post this entirely legitimate interview that I had that actually happened with a Penguins fan! Hop the jump to see the exchange I had with a Totally Real Penguins Fan! 

BMR: So, I have to believe that you appreciated my pick of the Penguins to win the Stanley Cup?

Totally Real Penguins Fan: I really don’t care. Predictions don’t mean anything, it’s all about the Championships that actually happen. I’ve heard that you are Minnesota, New York and Toronto fans, so I am sure you wouldn’t understand.

BMR: Wait, what? The Islanders were one of the most dominant teams of the 80s. The Maple Leafs are one of the most storied franchises in the NHL

TRPF: Like that matters. What have they done in the past 20 years? The modern era in the NHL began in 1990. The Pens have 3 Cups since then. How about any of your teams, combined? That’s what I thought.

BMR: The modern era? Who says that?

TRPF: Everyone.

BMR: Everyone? Everyone who?

TRPF: Everyone.

BMR: Whatever. What do you think are your keys for success this year? 

TRPF: Well it all begins and ends with Geno. Obviously one of the best players in the league. Then you have Fleury, who is probably the best goalie in the league. And the team is so deep. I mean you talk about Steve Sullivan, who was undoubtedly the best add for any team this offseason, or Pascal Dupuis who is just so gritty and has awesome eyebrows. Jordan Staal might be the best young forward in the league. Don’t even get me started on Kris Letang. Love that guy.

BMR: All right. You just named players. I also note that you didn’t say anything about Sidney Crosby…

TRPF: I’m so disappointed in Sid, man. A real game would be back out there playing no matter what. I mean, he’s got a little bump on the head! This concussion B.S. has gone to far. Sid needs to be back on the ice. He needs to be a man about it. He needs to be like Ben Roethlisberger, in every way. Dude got hit by a CAR and is back out there getting it done.

BMR: Well, first off, thank you for disagreeing with medical consensus on head injuries. Second off, didn’t get into, like, a lot of trouble? Do you want to Sid to be —

TRPF: DON’T EVER TALK BAD ABOUT BIG BEN. The rape charge was BULLSHIT. I  mean, yeah, maybe he got drunk, and maybe he had sex with a chick, and maybe she wasn’t sober, or conscious or fully consenting, but HE DID NOT RAPE HER. Besides, the charges were dropped, so it’s pretty clear that nothing actually happened. The US legal system has never been wrong. Well except for Ray Lewis, the murderer. But I mean, seriously, Ben wins games, so it all doesn’t matter. Right now, I seriously doubt that Sid could beat a felony charge right now. When he could do that, then I am fully back on his bandwagon.

BMR: I feel so dirty right now. I just want this to be over. But I have a couple more questions we need to get through. Are there any teams or players out there that you think are going to bring a challenge to the Pens?

TRPF:  No.

BMR: What about the Red Wings? Or Canucks? Or Capitals?

TRPF: More like the  CapitLOLs! Ha! What have they EVER done? When have they ever even provided a challenge to the Pens? Never. 

BMR: Surely, Alexander Ovechkin —

TRPF: More like LOLvechkin. But seriously, I am sick of people trying to force that rivalry on us. No rivalry! We don’t care about Ovechkin! I mean, He scores a lot of goals, and usually puts  on a good show when the Crapitals play the Pens, but really, he’s nothing. I hate his ugly face, I hate the way that he seems to have fun, I hate the way that he is one of the most popular people in Russia, I hate the way he skates, I hate pretty much everything he says, I hate him so damn much. But it’s not at all a rivalry, and we could care less about Ovechkin 

BMR: Right. But surely, the defending champs, the Bruins…

TRPF: Of course. I love the B’s. Lot of respect for them . They are a great, historical franchise. I love their color scheme. And of course, Matt Bartkowski. If we didn’t win it couldn’t have been won by a better team.

BMR: Who in the hell is Matt Bartkowski?

TRPF: You don’t know Matt Bartkowski? He appeared in 6 games for the B’s last year, 4 minutes in the box, -1 on the plus/minus? BORN IN PITTSBURGH BABY! I mean, really the Bruins winning was a Cup win for all of western Pennsylvania.

BMR: What?! 

TRPF: Yeah. Civic pride is a HUGE deal. We’re really proud of our teams and players in Pittsburgh. You wouldn’t understand. 

BMR: I think civic pride is a big deal for a lot of towns. It’s just that other towns have things other than sports to be proud of. Toronto can be proud of it’s international appeal, New York, where do I even begin with New York, the Twin Cities is one of the more thriving economic centers in the country. What else does Pittsburgh have to be proud of?

TRPF: Sandwiches

BMR: Sandwiches?

TRPF: Primantis. Until you have a sandwich as good as Primanti Brothers, your city is worthless. 

BMR: [10 seconds of silence] All right then. I think this is as good a time as any to end this interview. Good luck, I guess, and I hope not everyone in Pittsburgh is like you.