Contributor: Christian Diaz
Best – Dave and Busters as a Sponsor.
Nothing says adults getting drunk and playing arcade games like a pair of shirtless dudes pummeling the life out of each other. Seriously, the next time I’m drinking 8 dollar Blue Moons and gambling on a game of skeeball, I’ll be reminded of how some poor bastard got his elbow torn to shreds for a thousand dollars. Thanks D&B’s!!
Worst – Beef Thursdays
I want to tell Spike that they’re better than this, but I feel like that would just be a lie. With such visionary shows as 1000 Ways to Die and Car Lot Rescue, I can’t help but think that Spike knows exactly what kind of demographic they’re catering toward. Such is the reason that a commercial with people blasting each other in the face over minor peccadilloes sadly makes so much sense; your run-of the mill TapouT shirt wearing, jitz-training bro would totally love to drop a Macho Man elbow on Mike from accounting because he wore a pink tie to work. Shine on, you crazy network television executives.
Best – HOT CHICKS IN THE CROWD!
“What is this again? We got free tickets on the condition that we’d smile when the camera men approached us…why are these guys with alphabet soup names killing each other? This is dumb.”
Best? – Hey Everyone! It’s Clay Harvison!
:APPLAUSE: :APPLAUSE: :APPLAUSE:
Worst: Rogers vs Crenshaw
Oof. The less said about this fight, the better. Deadspin had an article about a Russian woman that was decapitated while riding a go-kart, and it was 100% more entertaining than this fight. Hell, I’d rather do my taxes than watch this fight. This fight was like a kick to the eyes, and everyone knows that the eyes are the groin of the head.
That being said…
Best: Samuel L Jackson as a Cornerman
While Rogers vs Crenshaw was a burning tire fire of an experience, it at least provided the viewer with one compelling piece of television: Shane Crenshaw’s cornerman, Michael Allen AKA Cornbread AKA Coach Breezy Come Get U Some. Infuriated by his fighter’s lack of action, Allen proceeded to serenade the crowd and viewing audience with a verbal tirade akin to Sam Jackson’s Jules Winfield. With gems like “TAKE THAT AND PUNCH HIM IN HIS FACE!” or “WAKE THE FUCK UP” and who could forget, “STOP BACKING UP IN THIS MOTHERFUCKER”, the Bellator producers decided to go box in a box and get Allen in on the action. Thank you Coach Allen, you were the one redeeming part of this 15 minute nightmare.
Worst: Corn Rows on White Dudes…White Dudes with Indie Walkout Music.
I’m generally a proponent of people doing what makes them happy, as long as it’s within reason. Hairstyles are certainly within reason, but not this one. I don’t care that it’s hypocritical, that shit is flat out unacceptable. You have got to be a stone cold killer of Che Mills proportions in order to rock this do…and the first step to achieving that level is NOT walking out to The Naked and Famous. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
Best: Karma is alive and well.
Sometimes life just has a way of working itself out.
Best: Magomedrasul Khasbulaev vs. Fabricio Guerreiro
Russia vs. Brazil! Sambo vs. Jiu-Jitsu! Two fiercely prideful people, as well as methods of combat pitted against each other is perfect television. While I respect the hell out of Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu and its amazing history, I still have to side with the guy who comes from the country where things like this are the status quo. As soon as Brazil trains their native animal to play a sport, I’m sticking with Russia and their hockey playing bears.
Worst: The Angel of Death or Tan Dan Miragliotta, Whichever You’d Prefer.
The Richman vs. Jackson fight was everything you’d expect from two well rounded featherweights. Both fighters gave and took shots, only it quickly became apparent that Richman felt he had neglected his usual community service and presented Jackson with a charitable donation in the form of a left high kick upside his head and followed up with a healthy portion of childhood erasing hammerfists. Tan Dan was once again late to stop the fight, which can only make me think that he is working on some thesis regarding the effect of frontal lobe trauma and that he doesn’t have time to research it on his own. It’s either that or Jackson insulted one of his familiars, because seriously not even sadists could get off on this brand of ultra-violence.
Worst: Marlon Sandro vs. Akop Stepanyan! Brazil vs. Russia Part 2!
Spin kick. Spin Kick. Spin Kick. Lazy 1-2. Spin Kick. Fence Grab. Lazy 1-2. Spin Kick. Lazy 1-2.Fence Grab. Repeat x 3.
There isn’t much to be said about this fight. Akop did his best impression of a spamming Dennis Siver with a small amount of success while simultaneously wowing the crowd with his interpretation of Timmy refusing to jump from the fence in Jurassic Park. Sandro fought like he couldn’t remember if he had left his oven on or not and occasionally decided that it might me best to swing his arms from time to time. In the end, the judges felt that Sandro did more of something and awarded him a questionable decision.
Best: Body Shots Galore: Shlemenko vs. Falcao
Both fighters came out looking somewhat slow, especially Shlemenko. While the first round was somewhat close, I’d be inclined to say that it was a 10-10 or possibly 10-9 to Falcao, however the announcers were inclined to believe that Shlemenko did more damage.
The second round was an entirely different beast though, with Shlemenko stalking Falcao down and hammering him with punches, knees and kicks to the liver.
And then this happened…
SHLEMENKO AIN’T GOT TIME FOR YOUR VERBAL SUBMISSIONS!!
SHLEMENKO DECIDES WHEN THE FIGHT IS OVER!!
Shlemenko proceeded to deliver one of the most amazing post-victory speeches ever, declaring that he is now the face of the organization and that he is waiting for the next challenger. Cold blooded, Mr.Storm Shlemenko, cold blooded.
Supplemental Best: George Allen aka Quicksilver aka The Skunk
Whatever it is you’re doing, Mr. Allen, please keep doing it. Whether it’s wearing those individually toed foot gloves instead of shoes, or putting your head in a bowling ball shiner like Homer did, just keep doing it. You are an inspiration to us all, and I sincerely cannot wait for you to referee your first UFC fight.
-Christian Diaz can be reached via bat-signal because he chooses to be off the grid.
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