(This is an editorial by Taylor Engel, the views of this deranged maniac do not necessarily reflect the views of Undercard Superstar. It might, but it might not.)
Contributor: Taylor Engel
So, UFC 172 has come and gone, and many are calling it the best event of the year. LOL NOPE. THIS EVENT SUCKED AN ENTIRE BAG OF ASS. LEMME TELL YOU WHY. STARTING WITH THE OPENING BOUT.
Chris Beal vs. Patrick Williams: OH, SO YOU LIKE HIGH QUALITY VIOLENCE? LOOK ELSEWHERE. CHRIS BEAL RUNS IN TO THROW AN OBVIOUS FLYING KNEE. PATRICK WILLIAMS, BEING THE DEFENSIVE SAVANT HE IS, TAKES A MOMENT TO THINK. A MOMENT, THAT FEELS LIKE AN ETERNITY. COURTESY OF MY GOOD FRIEND LUKE THOMAS, HERE IS A TRANSCRIPT OF PATRICK’S CONVERSATION WITH HIMSELF ON THE EVENING OF APRIL 26TH:
“Alright, Pat, you got your ass beat the first round. I’m gonna need you to tighten that shit up this round. … This round ain’t goin half bad, for real. Oh, yeah, people gon say I’m gettin wobbled, BUT I SLIPPED. OKAY? I SLIPPED. SHIT’S SLIPPERY. I’M SORRY.…Oh, SHIT SON. He’s running at me. What should I do? I could just curl out, but that’s only for that pussy Carlos Condit. IMMA STAND HERE AND GET MINE. OH. He’s jumping? The fuck is he jumping for? A flying knee? Imma show that motherfucker. Headbutts are illegal? I don’t give a FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUzzzzzzzzz”
Charlie Brenneman vs. Danny Castillo: Another great stoppage win? NOPE. ANOTHER HEINOUS ATTACK ON EVERYTHING I LOVE! Danny Castillo comes strolling in, wearing a headband. Sure, this isn’t anything new for him, but that doesn’t make it okay. You are not AI. You are not LeBron hiding his receding hair line. You have no use for a headband, Danny. Those aren’t allowed in DA OCTAGONNNNNNNNNN. Stop wearing those.
Charlie. Oh, Charlie. Remember that time you got a haircut? Of course you don’t you shaggy-assed asshole. (The other ending to that joke is “Of course you don’t, you got KNOCKED THE FUCK OUT BOIIIIIII”) It’s only fitting that you were sponsored by Sheetz, because I’ll be damned if you didn’t shit the bed, dude. Go back to whatever Amish settlement you got thrown out of.
Bethe Correia vs. Jessamyn Duke: This fight genuinely sucked shit. Neither of these two are anywhere NEAR UFC caliber fighters. BUT OH NO BETTER NOT SAY THAT BECAUSE THEY HAVE UTERUSES. I threw Clorox in my eyes during this fight.
On the plus side, at least the ref was hot.
Isaac Vallie-Flagg vs. Takanori Gomi: This fight. Man. What a #BATTLE between two #SEASONED #VETERAN #KILLERS. I hate that shit. They’re both old and washed up. Go away, Isaac. You have no fans. You have no friends. You’re like an uglier, mid 30s version of Nolan Howell. While we’re at it, Vallie-Flagg is the only thing in the world better at taking a beating than Nolan Howell’s self esteem, and Gomi doesn’t have that Jesus on the cross look I like in fighters. 1/10 aesthetics, Luke would not bang.
Joseph Benavidez vs. Tim Elliott: There is a dude with corn rows and a meth beard that is being paid for his athletic ability. It is absolutely at this point that I start to second guess like…everything I’ve ever done. What did I do wrong? Is this why my father refers to me as “You pathetic loser?”
Max Holloway vs. Andre Fili: Max Holloway sucks. Max Holloway is an asshole. Max Holloway is a poopface. Max Holloway sucks farts. Max Holloway has a worse sense of humor than Connor Dillon. Max Holloway looks like he’s on round 76 of chemotherapy. I bet Max Holloway’s preferred MMA journalist is Luke Thomas. I hate Max Holloway.
Jim Miller vs. Nancy Medeiros: To be completely honest, I had no idea Yancy Medeiros was from Hawaii. I was absolutely sure, and still am kind of leaning towards believing that he’s Brazilian. I mean, look at him. Totally has that crazy eyed Brazilian look. Don’t trust him.
JIM, YOU’RE ALIVE! AND CELEBRATING UNDERNEATH A COMPLETELY UNCONSCIOUS FOE! MAN, HOW #CLASSY OF YOU! LOVE THAT #BLUECOLLAR ATTITUDE! Just kidding, only assholes celebrate while still in contact with the person they just put to sleep. You’re a dick. Your beard is weird. I don’t know why your eyebrows look the way they do. I hope you get slept by Khabib Nurmagomedov.
Luke Rockhold vs. Tim Boestch: Tim, you ruined MMA for me at UFC 149. You suck. Also you haven’t won a fight against anyone that’s ever been anyone since ever, so you also suck in that sense.
Luke, well. Well, well, well. I guess my major grievance here is that you’re straight. Why can’t we fall in love and run away to Bora Bora and go snorkeling? At the end of the day, you’ll grill me clownfish (or some shit, I have no idea what people eat there) sing me a Jason Aldean song, and carry me away while slowly running your fingers through my hair. Yes, you’ll carry me with one arm so you can run your fingers through my hair. I mean, for shit’s sake dude, you’re a professional athlete. If you aren’t capable of carrying a 225 pound dude with one arm, you kind of aren’t good at your job.
Anthony Johnson vs. Phil Davis: Phil, why don’t you care? Seriously, you look like you simply cannot be bothered to give a shit about fighting. You’re like the Zack Greinke of MMA, only not good. Get the hell out of here with your #QUIRKY attitude, Zooey, and take your pink-ass trunks with you. Nobody loves you. You’re like Max Holloway, only less of an asshole.
Jon Jones vs. Glover Teixeira: Glover, you just aren’t very good. Hell, you got wobbled by a shoulder strike. But that’s alright, you were never supposed to win.
JON. Oh, Jon, you… You… You MOTHERFUCKER. Why do you do the things you do? Why are you such a reprehensible piece of shit? Glover is half the fighter Shogun was when you beat him down like your middle name was Casey Anthony (MMAROASTMANSPECIAL). And somehow, Glover doesn’t get dropped and at no point was he out of the fight because YOU KEPT CLINCHING WITH HIM. THE ONE PLACE HE LIKES. HOMIE WAS BOMBING YOU WITH UPPERCUTS AND AT NO POINT DID YOU THINK “GOLLY GEE, MAYBE I SHOULD TRY A DIFFERENT APPROACH. MAYBE I SHOULD WRESTLE.” OF COURSE YOU DIDN’T YOU SMUG PRICK. I hope Alexander Gustafsson has to serve a second prison term for what he does to you in fall.
(This has been an editorial from Taylor Engel. You can reach him @taylorengel27, unfortunately.)
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