Purple Jesus Be With You (And Also With You … Even Then)

You know, writing a blog as a popular sports figure and deity is a delicate endeavor. To be honest, I’ve learned more about my teammates, coaches and the organization I play for (and ones I play against!) than I ever really wanted to know. In the few months that this blog has been in service, as more and more people have offered to tell me their stories, volunteer for interviews, or given me nuggets of useful information to pass on to readers, I’ve been both surprised, perplexed, and appalled. Sometimes all at Truthfully, it’s been quite the ride. Despite all of the information I’ve been provided and privy to concerning my teammates and others closest to me, nothing has turned my stomach more though than learning the truth about Vikings fans. Yes, I’ve discovered that many are willing to turn their tail on one of their most hated rivals that has defined their very existence for so many years before he even had signed with the team. Are you people that desperate for a championship and have so little faith in myself and my teammates? I’ve also discovered that some fans have conjured up stories involving me for their own benefit, and sometimes have impersonated me as well. Impersonating the Purple Jesus? That’s just low, people, low and despicable. But none of these things I’ve learned about Vikings fans has so utterly destroyed my seemingly unflappable faith in humanity more than one discovered truth. You are all apparently thinking that you’re fapping to pictures of jail bait without getting caught. What is wrong with you people? There are so many things that crush my soul about this that I’m not even quite sure where to begin. I mean, just look at this:

You sick bastards. Do you know what that is? I know what that is. That is the only post thus far that has been adorned with the sinful “Jail Bait” tag, and you fuckos have been more interested in that “story” than … let’s see … than Getting to Know Phil Loadholt? My Father, what is this? The newest Viking on the roster that is going to allow me to grab my first MVP, that will leave defenses second guessing what side of the line I like to run to, that has a great nickname that you’ll never know about now because you were dirtying yourself behind locked doors, is of paltry interest to your apparent jail bait addiction. This is really too much. It seems every day that I come here to share my thoughts and experiences with Vikings fans that I see another notification somewhere saying “You have another reader that has been hoping to find awesome jail bait photos on your site to stroke their flesh flute to”. And it doesn’t matter what time even! Sometimes I see visitors have stopped by around 11:30 PM, thinking they’ve found a treasure trove of spank bank material. Sometimes it’s at 6:45 AM! What are you doing looking for underage pictures at that time of the morning? Show some restraint people. And the real sickening part about all of this is that most of you sinners think you’re getting away with this. Not only do I have the stats sitting literally right in front of me, telling me what you’re doing and when, but I can also back track your IP address, Google map your house, Dex search your phone number, LinkedIn search your employer, Facebook your family and friends, satellite bomb your house, and know everything about the sick Vikings fans that are arousing their basket snake to the tune of 15 year olds with amazing racks. Oh, and of course being a divine creature and the Son of God I’m able to do that whole “be everywhere at once all the time” thing, which means that whether I really want to or not, I’m watching you as your sitting their feverishly browsing MySpace for teeny boppers. Seriously, Purple Jesus is watching you masturbate. Sometimes, the famous ceiling cat and I watch you together. And it’s disgusting. You rarely clean up after yourself. You have been using the same sock without washing it for months now. And at the moment you release your seed so sinfully, your face contorts into that of the Devil. Congratulations, you’re going to hell.

This whole internet thing never ceases to amaze me. I almost don’t want to know what I won’t be able to unsee next after this debacle. Something tells me it will bring me closer to a second death though. Even I’m not sure if this is a sin I can die for again. Work with me a bit people, and just show some common sense when your one hand is flying over the keyboard. Please. And in the meantime, enjoy the rest of our blogging services as we go back to our semi-regularly scheduled program of mostly worthless material. Enjoy your day. I’m going to go call Chris Hanson.