Chicago Bear Jay Cutler’s ‘CFSF’ Generate Buzz
/Sad face
“Sometimes it comes out of nowhere” said receiver Rashied Davies. “He’ll be doing fine and then you turn around and BOOM! He’s got this terrible looking sad face going.”
“I’ve never seen anything like it before” added Bears offensive coordinator Ron Turner.
After the first week of Chicago Bears OTAs, Illinois natives are already becoming accustomed to what many Bronco fans had grown to fear during new Chicago quarterback Jay Cutler’s time spent in Colorado; the dreaded CutlerFucker Sad Face.
“It is what it is” Davies said after he was released from the nightmarish trance that he was caught in when he mishandled a lightning quick ball that CutlerFucker tossed his way. “We’re receivers; we’re supposed to catch the balls. He’s a quarterback; he’s easily the face of the franchise now. But my god, that is an ugly ass face.”
Many other Chicago Bears felt the same way as the team went through their first extensive practice with their new quarterback. Receiver and return threat, Devin Hester, understands that there is pressure on the new guy under center, but is hoping that his sullen attitude and immature facial gestures don’t rub off on his teammates. “Listen, man, if that ass face turns his CutlerFucking frown my way again I’m ‘bout to go Kimbo Slice on his shit. This scrotum face is out of control. He can hate his parents all he wants, but if brings me and my team down, his Sarah Jessica Parker mug is meeting a curb real quick.”
Rookie receiver, Juaquin Iglesias is no stranger to ugly people. Going to college in Oklahoma, ugliness is a rather normal sight to see when walking around campus. But even this Dirt Burglar native admits that the CutlerFucker Sad Face is beyond unique.
“Never in my life have I seen something so hideous” he reflected after running some patterns and catching passes from Cutler, before he had to take a mental break. “I mean, when something is that ugly, it’s not just visually offensive. It changes from just hurting your eyes to affecting the other sense as well. When I catch a ball from him, I can actually feel the pompous entitlement that he always walks around with. And if you walk by him, he smells like a coffee filter that’s been sitting in the urn for three days untouched. You know, kind of bitter but also smells like cat piss? It’s terrible.”
Still, if Cutler’s teammates can learn to fight through his umbrella of negativity, they feel optimistic about 2009, or at least about getting out of it alive.
“I saw what Brandon Marshall did to himself after like one season with this Medusa monster” Davies went on. “Put his god damn arm right through a TV or something? That was no accident. He couldn’t handle those sulking eyes anymore.”
Davies took a deep breath before he continued.
“Look” he said finally, “We all want to win and get to the Super Bowl. Cutler is a good enough quarterback to get us there. But I think most of us would consider it a victory if we could just get through the season without a suicide on the roster.”
Quite the victory indeed.
(Thanks KSK for the pics)
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