Local douche turtle Charley Walters apparently likes to make up fabricated stories and then print them in the news paper, calling himself a journalist, and providing a smug façade for his company ID card. Cock muffin. He’s probably getting paid in flannel covered virgins, and I’m doing this shit for internet (non)fame? You’ll get your comeuppance.
Anyway, Walters apparently has a “fun” and “quirky” posting in his insufferable “Don’t Print That” section of the Pioneer Press that Pro Football Talk picked up on as well. I know. We’re really shooting for reliable sources here, aren’t we? It his special nugget (poop reference?) Walters mentions that the Vikings may be interested in signing ex-Colt and current gun fighter Marvin Harrison to a low level, single season contract. Of course, that doesn’t mean Harrison would be at all interested in signing, but if Favre is here and Marvin still wants to play, it may make sense.
The concern of course would be that Harrison would come to Minnesota with his guns loaded and start shooting shit up. We don’t need that, but it would inevitably happen. So why not jump the gun (See what I did?) here and provide Harrison with a top five Minnesota hit list of people we’d like to see him “accidentally unload on” when he arrives with the Vikings.
(Coincidentally, I’ve used that phrase many times myself when I’ve been with my perfect 10 girlfriend … boyfriend … blow up doll … male blow up doll … stuffed animal … stuffed animal I found in a trash bin … my hand … my amputated stump … when my wiener rubs against my boxers briefly … well … you get the idea …)
Read on for our list. Got any other ideas or suggestions for Marvin Harrison to unleash his wrath upon? Put them in the comments!
1) Sid Hartman – Lucky for Marvin, Hartman makes the list in an effort to save on expensive bullets. He wouldn’t actually need to fatally injure the old man; Sid will do that himself, but maybe bumping him down a flight of stairs, taking away his Matlock, or espousing the awesomeness of this new fangled inter web machine would all at least get his blood pressure high enough to put him on the outs for a while. It would save millions of metro citizens from having to read his dead horse beating writings. Harrison, you have your first assignment.
2) Glen Taylor – If there is one person that deserves an “accidental” bullet in the leg in Minneapolis, Glen Taylor may be at the top. Naturally, I wouldn’t actually condone shooting anyone (that’s what Marvin is for) but Taylor needs a bit of a wake up call to realize that for year, and years he has crushed hearts and souls of basketballs fans state wide, and bruised the massive vaginas of the WNBA fans locally too. He would be a well deserving target to meet Harrison in a dark alley sometime.
3) Tim Pawlenty – Mr. Pawlenty could easily find himself off of this list if he would do one thing; pull his dick out of a taco shell, quit waffling to keep his job, and put his foot down on a new Vikings stadium. If that were to happen, Harrison would most likely turn over all of his undocumented weapons, retire from football a happy man and leave Pawlenty in peace. As it stands now, Marvin is on the prowl, looking to pistol whip one of Pawlenty’s knee caps every week until a stadium is approved. Do what’s right, TPaw!
4) Anthony Lapanta – It’s things like this in the world where you wonder, “What have I done wrong?” How does this man wake up in the morning, continue to be a mouth breather, and then land a secure job on television reading monotone from a teleprompter and I have to suck off hobos for laundry money? Harrison would do well to put the fear into Lapanta so that his haughty attitude is brought down a notch or five. And fix your face, cum dumpster. You and Sven Sundgaard must have great weekends together.
5) Mark Rosen – Is there any greater arrogant sack of shit in the metro area that deserves a Marvin Harrison trigger finger than Mark Rosen? His insufferable need to appear as a county club member with both players and management of all local sports teams makes me want to allow a horse to fuck my ass hole chapped. I would literally rather make out with Josh Harnett than watch a Rosen Sports Sunday. If he were to get fired, or “executed”, I wouldn’t bat an eye.
It looks like Harrison has his work cut out for him then. Get here soon Marvin, we’re not yet not paying you nothing for a reason!
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