“YOU GUYS! Guys, hey, guys you wouldn’t believe it. We were just in training camp for like two weeks or something and it was absolutely CRAZY I mean totally out of whack because it was like I was sleeping in these dorm rooms, smoking jayskies with Percy Harvin all night long, playing Madden football and hiding from the RAs and all sorts of crazy shit but then I had to wake up and practice football with the team which was sometimes a drag because it was either hot out, or cold and rainy hot, or hot cold rainy muddy stormy frowny silly goofy dopey and sneezey outside so you never could really tell what was happening. That’s kind of what training camp is like, man, like the unpredictability of the weather is like the unpredictability of life man, like when Tarvaris went down with that knee injury no one had any idea, but then the storm passed and he came back out with a knee brace and passed balls and I was totally blown away, once again, just proving the old turn of Roman phrase that you can’t skin a cat three ways. So true, so true.
But it’s been super intense, and fun. I like being able to pretend like I’m back in college all over again even though we’re in the middle of Minnesota somewhere instead of skipping glasses and bangin’ freshman girls on the beach all of the time, which was literally like the BEST time of my life, until obviously my wife came along, but don’t think for a second that she wasn’t one of those chicks that I introduced face down to some drift wood, if you know what I’m talking about! High five! It’s great because I get to come down here to Mankato and get away, pretend I’m a bachelor again for a while, visit the STD clinics down here, catch the passing glances of some middle America farm girls, drink some Old Style and Premium and then still go home and find out that my babe decided to surprise me by sneaking into my dorm room like we were college kids back in California but I was nervous because I’d smell like farm girl – you know, bacon, bourbon, salted butter, haystacks, bar stools – and would have to come up with some excuse to not get caught. Ha, training camp is so crazy …
I’ve learned so much more about football during training camp this year, it’s been so great, like how you should throw the ball straight into a receivers hands instead of to their outside shoulder away from the ball and towards a defender, not that I always did that, really, but at USC we were dominating everyone and the receivers were like, “Hey brah, give me a challenge out there against those pop warner teams” and so I would say “Ok, brah, let me just wear a blind fold and toss it in the general direction and go get it!” but of course that could never work with Patrick Turner, because he was afraid of balls like he was a hobosexual anyway, or whatever, but I learned real quick last year that NFL teams and players are SO much faster and MEANER too, like instead of me throwing a careless pass and the receivers saying like “Hey brah, no probs, we’ll be gettin’ then next time, chiiiillllll!” now they turn to me and just scream “HEY YOU FUCKING SOUTH CALIFORNIAN FAGGOT LEARN TO THROW A FUCKING FOOTBALL OR I’M GOING TO GET KICKED OFF THIS TEAM BECAUSE MY QUARTERBACK IS BUSY GURGLING TESTICLE JUICE AROUND HIS TONGUE!” and I’m just like, “Hey brah, chill!” but they never listen. So now I’m learning to actually throw to my receivers. I guess things get boring and different when you grow up in the world, man …
But I’ve decided I like training camp because of all the college nostalgia, high fives, camaraderie, finger banging, joint poking, and really self betterment are some of the best stuff out there for real and now, when the season starts I can get back to playing my PSP on the sidelines. Win!”
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