Your Long National Nightmare is Over: Welcome, to the first Purple Jesus Diaries game preview for the Minnesota Vikings. After what seems like a year of blindly stumbling around without football, blinking curiously at this thing called a “sun” and spending time with these people called “family”, football is back on tonight for the Vikings. Their opponent is the player-coached Fetus Head Indianapolis Colts, who finished second in the AFC South in 2008, getting into the playoffs as a Wild Card before being wiped, front to back, by the Chargers. Then Tony Dungy died, or retired, or something like that, and the relevance of the Colts was forever flushed away. At least you cock bags got a Super Bowl, so enjoy that.
Who Do We Hate on This Team? This is a pretty easy answer, as Peyton Manning is the only name to bother remembering on this team. In week two of 2008, it was his “heroics” that helped the Colts come back and beat the Vikings in the last minute of the game, which totally overshadowed Tarvaris Jackson looking as lost as a gypsy at a college or Brad Childress’ brilliant play calling. But ever since he was drafted in 1998 he’s been a quarterback that everyone thinks plays the game right, yet is always fuming on the sidelines or overly disappointed when his rookie receivers runs the wrong route. Real stand up guy. Also, he looks like a fetus head. If it wasn’t for his hilarious Saturday Night Live faux-ad where he pegged kids in the back of the head with a football, I would silently wish terrible things upon him. Instead, I just hope he is always defeated by other teams. Good enough for me.
Which Vikings will Ruin This Game? The big thing to watch tonight will be how the quarterbacks play. Sage Rosencopter has been given the nod to start tonight, which means that he’ll be playing against the Colts starting defense that he so magically met last year, mid air. Can we hope for a repeat? We can, but it may not, and probably will not, happen. Either way, the antics of Rosencopter or Jackson will be running rampant without question, and Viking fans will realize that these past eight months of thinking that their quarterback situation is acceptable will be holding their face in their hands thinking, “Fuck my life, just take me to the 2010 draft already.”
What Should You Be Drinking Tonight? This is tough. It’s the first preseason game of the year for the Vikings. Chances are you’ve been fighting through your entire week just to get to Friday night and find yourself sorely disappointed by the play we’ll watch. It’s still clearly summer, especially today when it’s almost 90 degrees out, windy and humid. PGA Golf is in the area, adding an air of sophistication to the events of tonight, but chances are that you’re looking to get tossed, and quick. I feel that a Stella Artois is both refreshing enough to quench your thirst, can get you aptly drunk, and is found aplenty throughout the metro area on taps. Also, it’s not Smirnoff Ice or anything, so I won’t think you’re gay right away if you’re drinking it.
Healthy Diversion for when the Game Goes Sour. Luckily, Madden 10 was released today. Early reports say that it’s pretty damn good, and that the actual game play has been slowed down so that you can actually run the ball and not look like a girl fumbling with a video game controller for the first time. Also, the AI is better and will successfully pick up blocks so that whichever team you play with it doesn’t feel like you’re rolling with Brad Johnson at quarterback when you may have, say, Michael Vick?! Regardless, I didn’t actually buy it because I think Madden is a bit of a fisting rip off, which their minor tweaks and half assed feature updates. They need to bring NFL 2K series back and light a fire under their ass. But once Jackson enters the game tonight in real life, you could probably fire a game of Madden up and skip that whole part. Unless he gets injured, in which case you’ll really want to see that.
Special Guest Appearance by a Vikings Cheerleader and why She Wants you to Watch the Game: “Hi! I’m Melissa! I’ll be cheering the Vikings on tonight because I love this football team and all the fans! I think you should cheer them on as well because … because they’re really neat and … (Fuck, John, what are we doing? Get me off this shoot, this team is a fucking disaster. If they weren’t paying me to look so fucking attractive I would be out of here faster than the Twins season was over. These fat fucking fans … they at least better buy my calendar.)”
VIKTOR the VIKINGS Game Day Prediction: “HEY! WHAT’S UP kids! This game is going to be a GREAT GAME TO WATCH because it’s the FIRST game of the new season and the Vikings are going to GORGE ON THE SOULS OF THE COLTS and then RANSACK their city like it’s an old fashioned VIKING BOMBARDMENT! We’re going to roll into town and BURN THEIR STRIP CLUBS to the ground before they can get their ONE LEGGED WHORES out the front door! Then we’ll steal all of the UNREGISTERED GUNS that they have in the city and SHOOT THEIR NEW FUCKING COACH IN THE FACE AFTER WE WIN!! GYYYAAAARRRGGGHH!!”
What’ll Really Happen in the Game: The defense will look good, although they will give up some big plays and shut the opposing offense down around the goal lines. Field goal kicking will ensue, and it’ll probably fire the crowd up because who doesn’t love a good field goal. The offense will look like an abortion in uniform, but Percy Harvin will show some flashes of brilliance like Purple Jesus did two years ago. John David Booty will remind everyone why he is a third string quarterback, and the Vikings will be losers in the game, probably by a touchdown or so. And everyone will scrutinize every single detail of this game, even tough the game doesn’t matter at all. Like the poem you wrote to that girl you have a major crush on. Sorry.
Enjoy the game, friends. Someday we may look into Live Blogging the games, but for the time being there will probably be live Tweeting of the game that you can either follow along on the side bar or by following my Twitter feed here. Any other comments or embarrassing expectations you have about the game? Leave them in the comments section.
Add The Sports Daily to your Google News Feed!
