Dear Tarvaris Jackson, you have stolen my heart: There’s something amazing about watching the complete destruction of someone’s career. It’s like watching video from 9-11 (too soon?) or checking out meatspin.com (I wouldn’t go if I were you) and just watching for hours, in sheer horror, at the things you see. But you can’t turn away because it’s so compelling. Watching Jackson Friday night, even in a preseason game, was the football equivalent of this magnificent failing. Let’s face it, his career writing is on the wall and it’s uglier than Ellen Degeneres. Jackson reminded us all again on Friday night why Vikings fans leave bruises on their wives and broken bottle shards in the carpet as he continued to look like a beaten seal cub gasping for his last breath. His passes were off target continuously. He stared down his receivers like the first time you saw a set of tits. He disregarded any use of the pocket like the smart children disregard my unmarked utility van. Jackson is so fucking terrible that if on opening day I see him as the third string quarterback and a high as fuck John David Booty is the doofus that’s calling the plays into Sage Rosencopter, I will be gulping down sweet tears of overwhelming satisfaction. I can’t believe this asshole makes more money than me.
Oh, But You’re Not Off the Hook Either: This is a section that will recap the other pieces of crap on the team that happened to also suck as much as the main sucker that ever sucked on a sucking team. Again, even though this is preseason and the game doesn’t matter AT FUCKING all, it’s still embarrassing and disastrous that Ryan Cook looks like such a dimwitted fuckwad on the offensive line. Listen, he could rape me dead he’s so big, but I have no doubt that I could set up elaborate traps with rubber bands, children’s toys, and plastic bags to trick him into a cardboard box that he’d never find his way out of. Or, I could tell him that on the count of three, and only after three, he could jump the Grand Canyon just fine, and he’d be midair at “two”. I also love how whenever Cook screws up with a penalty – last year, this year, in the bedroom – he comes back to the huddle with his hands on his head, looking SO disappointed with himself, like these faux pas never happen. Jesus, just take it like a man, you ass, and own up to it. You fucked up. You’re still making millions of dollars and probably bang so much ass it’d make Magic Johnson blush … Oh, wait, that’s just because he has AIDS … Or does he …???
Purple Jesus’ Mushroom Stamp of Approval: When you’re talking about the Minnesota Vikings, the first name that comes to mind is Purple Jesus. That’s obvious. He’s also the only person on that team that pulls any weight, whose opinion matters, and who wears the largest nut cup. If we were to give out the Mushroom Stamp of Approval to him every week – although rightly deserving – it’d get pretty boring. So we’ll be looking for the player that came in second best and most deserving of a Mushroom Stamp from Purple Jesus. This week, the obvious choice is Sage Rosencopter, who actually made the starting offense look as if it were an NFL caliber team. He was hitting receivers in stride, utilizing his protection, and actually moved well outside of the pocket too. He’s no Favre, and quite honestly when I saw him scramble I was expecting a chopper scene part deux, but he played admirably and gave us what we needed. *STAMP* right on your forehead.
At What Point Did You Stop Watching: Inevitably, there are games throughout the season where you can’t stomach to watch the whole thing, either because it’s a blow out in the Vikings favor or because their getting their asses jack hammered in a way that would make Devon Banks salivate. And when it’s the preseason, this point of interest is even more obscure. Are you a big enough training camp guru (I’m looking at you, Shawn Zobel) that you watch the entire game to see which scrub will be the next shining star? Or are you just interested in the guys that will eventually let you down during the regular season? I fall somewhere in the middle, only because I have no friends and nothing else to do, and actually made it until about half time. I think at that time I maybe looked at some furries on the interwebs and then downloaded some video games, switching back and forth between the actual game. Just a stellar evening, I tell ya.
One Final Jab at That City the Vikings Just Played: God I hate Indianapolis. Have I ever been there? Fuck no, and there are reasons for that. The city and it’s people pretend that they’re northerners like the rest of us smart folk, talking about the rust belt and pretending to like black people, but then they go and have their racing-fests every year and look like complete morons while yelling at tires circling around a track 500 TIMES! God you people are fucking idiots. Their standard of living is so low there that a child laborer in Taiwan could afford a nice three bedroom, two bath home in the suburbs after two years of work. And their downtown becomes more deserted after business hours worse than Saint Paul does. And that’s saying something since Matty B’s closed. Preseason game or not, I’m glad the Vikings offered you a plate full of defeat. Choke on it, nipple bangers. Also, Pey-Pey looks like a pedo right there. now you have that on your conscience.
Greg Coleman’s Last Words of Wisdom: “It was a tough game out there today, from beginning to end, with lots of intense moments, and a lot of good players fought through some pain, and adversity, to shine as bright as they could. I am so proud of this team, so very proud, like a father to his daughter at her wedding, to really come out and make a statement like they did in their first game of the season. Even though it’s a preseason game, the players want to win it as much as the fans, and myself, want to see a win, and they’d tell you the exact same thing verbatim. Guaranteed. Because if the team were to have lost tonight … I don’t know if there is enough bourbon in the cabinet that could have dried my tears and softened this heart ache. Breathe easy tonight boys, because the Vikings are coming home victorious!”
We’ll set you up Friday for a Masturbatory Preview of Chiefs v. Vikings!
Add The Sports Daily to your Google News Feed!
