What the Favre was That?? So, did anyone hear about some roster move the Vikings made this week? I heard it was something about signing a quarterback that takes a HoverRound between the practice field and the locker rooms. They’re nice, because they let you continue to be mobile with your family that’s trying to forget you! Oh, and that Brett Favre guy is actually playing for your Minnesota Vikings tonight, as your starting quarterback. In real life. Not in Madden. No, this is not a dream. As confusing as this will be for everyone anywhere, I think most fans – regardless of opinion on Old Wrinkle Balls – will be interested in seeing if Favre actually lives up to the hype and can run the offense efficiently. Well, let me ruin the surprise for you; any plays he makes in his one series will probably look exponentially better than anything we’ve seen out of this offense for the past three years. As much as I hate to admit it, and I’ve said this before, he’s still an upgrade over the dying mash of feces that have occupied the quarterback spot recently. It’s going to be a shit show in the Metrodome tonight, and even though it’s a preseason game, it may be one of the most anticipated and watched Vikings games in recent memory. That’s so depressing.
Who Do We Hate on This Team? Secondary to the Favre-a-palooza is the fact that there is actually a football game going on tonight with a real opponent. While it’s not actually a real football game – it sounds likely that many starters will be out for the Vikings – there is still a team to hate here in Kansas City. Let me say this; their team sucks. I mean, it is bad. I bet there are several college teams in the Kansas City area (probably Big XII ones) that would whoop the shit out of them. Did you know they have both Amani Toomer and Bobby Engram on the team? What is this, 1998? They’ve also got a new coach, Todd Haley, who most recently was the explosive offensive coordinator for the dream season in Arizona. I have a feeling his sexy offense won’t translate to Kansas City, but at least he’ll be able to eat some mean BBQ instead of South West Mex all of the time now. Neat.
Someone Who’s Happy Favre Took the Spotlight Off of Him: Many forget that the Vikings also had a draft in 2009, and in that draft they selected wide receiver hybrid Percy Harvin. Fans have yet to see the rookie play. Official word is that he had a hurt shoulder that the team didn’t want to risk further injury too last week, but we all know it’s because he was reaaaaal high. Visanthe Shiancoe told sources that Harvin may play the entire first half, so expect one series of production until Jackson comes in and shits the bed. Or, better yet, watch as Percy takes over at quarterback ands ends up with a better passing rating than Jackson. I’m not kidding you, this is entirely feasible. Either way tonight should be a great night of firsts, which may also include you getting drunk enough to touch your first boob.
Which Viking Will Ruin This Game? Is it a cheap shot to go back to back on my Tarvaris Jackson predictions? He’s really the only person I can see fucking a preseason game up. Maybe Ryan Cook? Either way, it’ll be very telling to see what Tarvaris does now that he was dick slapped across the jowls with Brett Favre signing this week. Will he step up like a man on an audition and play out of his mind, making Viking fans second guess their eagerness at the coming of Purple Judas? Could Jackson actually be the savior and click with the offense in this game, looking like a total stud out there on the field? Ha, of course not. I highly doubt that he’ll even be able to beat his 39 yards from last week.
Game Night Drinks and Diversions, Tied into One! Not only is tonight a preseason football game, but it is also my fantasy football draft night. Is number one overall too high for Brett Favre? This means that it’s one of the greatest nights of the year, second only to the night when I found those sexy Miley Cyrus pictures. Please, you fapped to them too. The key to drinking on fantasy football draft night is this; you want to get drunk enough to have it be wolf shirt awesome, but not so wasted that you end up picking Shaun Alexander for your team. It’s a thin line. For me, I think I will balance this out tonight by finishing off my bottle of Jeremiah Weed’s Sweet Tea Vodka and Bourbon. You put some of that on ice, or even mix it with water, and it looks like you’re drinking tons when really you’re matching your hydration intake with tasty booze intake one to one. Good choice. And of course for me, my diversion will be a circus of a fantasy draft. For you unlucky people not having your draft party tonight, you can always go to 4chan and scan through the /b listings. You’re sure to find something that will hurt your soul there, more than the play of Tarvaris Jackson anyway.
Special Appearance by a Vikings Cheerleader and Why She Wants you to Watch the Game: Removed due to request of people who don’t like jokes. Or really poor writing, which I can then understand.
VIKTOR the VIKING’S Game Day Predictions: “FUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKKKK!!! HOLY SHIT I am wasted still from last weekend! THAT WIN was just SO GREAT and really got me PUMPED UP for the season! The second game will feel more natural and everyone will be in a groove after such a LONG TIME OFF from football, but COCK BUSTER I will have to take some SPEED or shoot some HEROIN just to stay awake for it! And you know what we’ll be staying awake for? THE SCALPING OF SOME CHIEFS, THAT’S WHAT!! Just be happy we’re not taking our HUGE BONERIFIC Viking ships INTO Kansas City and RAPING YOUR ANIMALS and STEALING YOUR HOMES VALUES! Instead, we’ll just let your COME TO US and then KILL YOUR DEAD CORPSES WITH OUR BATTLE AXE DICKS! And, as a good Viking, I’ll make sure we load all of the DEAD BODIES onto a wooden ship, set it afire, and let it FLOAT BACK TO YOUR STINK HOLE TOWN!!! WHARRGARBL!!!
What’ll Really Happen in the Game: No doubt tonight will be surreal. People will be going ape shit when Brett Favre runs onto the field in purple. When he completes his first pass, maybe even to a freshly minted Percy Harvin, fan boys are going to look like a Hentai chick that grows a massive exploding semen cock all across the stands. Tears will be flowing. Convulsions will be seen. And then Favre will run off the field after two minutes and you’ll be reminded that this is just a preseason game. Surprisingly, the Vikings won last week when I predicted that they wouldn’t. I also failed to realize that Indianapolis would be sitting half of their team and having people walk down from the stands to fill in during the second half. I would be inclined to say that the Vikings will win again this week, but with Jackson and Booty being the two quarterbacks playing most of the game, I have zero confidence in a win, even against the Chiefs. So, the Vikings will probably lose, but not by much. And yet again, no one should care because this game does not matter. At all. Like telling a one night stand you love them. Unless she’s a prostitute.
Any comments or other misguided expectations that the fans have? Place them in the comments. Enjoy the game.
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