Just get to the regular season already: Purple Jesus Christ, already! The last preseason game of the year is here and that can only mean one thing; we’re all one step closer to the glorious return of meaningful football! And while that notion alone is exciting, it actually does nothing to peak my interest in this fourth and final preseason game. Brad Childress has repeated several times that none of the teams’ starters are going to play tonight which leaves us with, what exactly? Jeff Dugan, Vinny Perratta and Jon Cooper? Fuck. Although I wouldn’t normally recommend it, your evening may be better spent watching the Twins piss away some more games after teasing their fan base all season long. I suppose if you’re one of those guys that really gets into training camp and finding hidden player gems then maybe this last game is perfect for you, as you’ll get to see the second and third stringers play their adorable little hearts out. But for the majority of us, the preseason has been a fun little tease but enough blue balling here fellas, let’s get to some footbaaawwwwllll.
Let me count the ways that I hate you: The fucking Dallas Cowboys. Is there not a more insufferable franchise than these twats? I mean, hey, of course you could say the Green Bay Packers (I’ll speak on them in a bit) and no one would blame you, but everything about the Cowboys assaults and offends most Minnesotan sensibilities. Maybe we’re just too Minnesota Nice, or maybe we’re just a bunch of crying liberals up North, but this hatred for Dallas isn’t isolated by any means. Case in point; their billion dollar owner just built a stadium that overlooked a glaring flaw of a low hanging score board over a field where people tend to have to throw or kick a ball in the screens general direction, which I find hilarious in it’s own right and aptly set up for national ridicule. But Minnesotan’s have a leg up on the rest of the nation for our scorn towards Dallas because without our own idiocy they’d never have been able to draft the critical cogs to their 90’s Super Bowl runs without us blowing Hershel Walker’s cock, you lazy fuck. So seeing them finish the past several seasons so pedestrian and sometimes epically in the playoffs has been pure joy. And it won’t change this year either. Also, have you ever been to the Dallas area? It’s complete shit. Their roads look like the veins in an old woman’s legs. Sick.
Which Viking will ruin this game: Essentially, I have been trying to pick the Viking that will most likely be the cause for the teams’ loss every week. I’ve failed miserably at this because this team somehow keeps on winning during the preseason. Does that mean that every player on the team played well to help them win? No, but it makes even the most glaring of mistakes easy to gloss over as long as the victories keep rolling home. But for people like Percy Harvin, who dropped a catchable ball last week for a touchdown and had a couple of critical receptions fall short of a first down due to poor route running, those mistakes should still be cause for castration. Or chastising? I forget what word to use here. And I can bitch and moan about these things because I’m an undeserving fan who’s never happy with anything! NNNYAAAGGGH! But this week, I’ll say, oh, Sage will look like shit and toss an interception finally, helping Dallas win or at the very least keep the game close, and creating debate among knee jerk fans who still don’t know what’s going on with the quarterback position. Whatever.
Drinks of the game, if you’re going to the game: The Metrodome is a piece of shit worse than anything Michael Bay puts on a movie screen. The last time I was there, I actually had to leave and go get wasted elsewhere because not only was it smoggy, dingy, and poor seating, but their alcohol selection is always fucking terrible. Granted, this is expected at most sporting events, but when you’re in a place as sucktastic as the Dome you should really try to compensate for it’s assholery with perks where it counts. Namely, getting people so black out drunk that they forget how horrible the place is. But really? Bud Light? Mike’s Hard Lemonade? An eight ounce Summit for $40 or whatever it is? This is bullshit. And you wonder why looming blackouts threaten every game. At the very least, the Metrodome should bring in one overlooking skybox that just sells top shelf liquor (I think legally there’s some issues with that, but quarantine those drunk fucks if it helps) and offer some better beer. I don’t care that you have a licensing agreement with that piss water from the Rockies. Bring in a Stella machine, Surly, New Castle, whatever. But until you do so I will continue to enjoy my time watching football in glorious HD with a smorgasbord of booze selections at home. If you’re at the Dome tonight, enjoy your drained bar rag in a cup!
Healthy distraction during the game: After establishing our dislike for Dallas Cowboy teams, fans, and anything to do with Texas, let’s refocus ourselves here to the Green Bay Packers. This offseason has been a rollercoaster for Packer fans. They’ve heard concerns about the teams switch to a 3-4 defense, accolades for the teams’ offense, and have felt deep seeded hatred for the Vikings marriage to Brett Favre. News flash; they’re not handling it well. The worst part is that for some reason now, whenever these smelly Wisconsin fans go on this magic computer box and search the interwebz for picture of Aaron Rodgers to masturbate to, they always end up at this wonderful site (yay!), mainly to this article. Frankly, I don’t even think this article, written a while ago, is very scathing. In fact, it’s almost complimentary due to acknowledging who Rodgers is putting his two inch dick into! But with Rodgers playing well this preseason, every green fanny pack wearing pig fucker is coming to this site and seeming to miss out on the delicate verbiage of sarcasm. So, feel free to read some of the comments there during this final preseason game and continue the long tried and true tradition of making fun of pimple faced brats in cheese hats! God, they are retarded.
Special appearance by a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader: “Oh Gawd, what’s wrong with this town? Is it always this cold up narth? What is it, 78 degrees? And they’re making us wear these outfits? Ah mean, Ah know we look good, all of us, in these outfits but this is just torture, ya’ll! And you know some of us had to come visit ya’ll up in Minnesota because ya’ll played them Houston losers last week. Them girls couldn’t show you nothin’ of what the great state of Texas is about! That girl that told you the story about havin’ large vaginas last week? She was lyin’ ya’ll! That bitch was a hermaphrodite. Those Houston drag queens are a bunch of bellyachin’ princess wannabees. When you can’t cut it in Dallas, you get sent to that festerin’ town. Us Dallas girls are the real ones you want to ogle. Are vaginas are lined with gold leaf, it’s true! But damn, ya’ll, unless you turn the heat up in this giant implanted city boob of a stadium Ah’m neva gonna take this track top off! Now watch me swish my hair! WOOO!”
VIKTOR the VIKINGS game day prediction: A PREDICITON? You little cock boys want a PREDICITON? HOW ABOUT THIS?! The Vikings second and third stringers have the blood of NORSEMEN in their veins and they’ll RANSACK those douche bag DALLAS QUEERS and then PISS ALL OVER THEIR CLOTHES IN THE LOCKER ROOM! WE SHOT J.R. YOU MOTHER FUCKERS!! You five gallon hat wearing CUNTS! Take your oil digging, cowboy boots, and FAIRY BANDANAS back down SOUTH AND DRINK SOME MORE BULL MILK! Do you think we’ve brought in THE GREATEST QUARTERBACK EVER to just watch a bunch of our scrubs play UNINSPIRED FOOTBALL against you WORTHLESS FUCKS? NO! Favre doesn’t even have to PLAY tonight! He’ll lead with a BATTLE AXE and an ERECT PENIS and guide the men on the field to VICTORY! YOU ALL FUCKING SUCK! GET OUT OF MY STADIUM NOW BEFORE I RAPE YOUR EAR HOLE! WHARRGARBL!!!
What’ll really happen: Can the Vikings really win all four of their meaningless preseason games? When was the last time that happened? When was the last time that actually mattered? I actually think they’ll be able to win again tonight, whether or not Dallas plays any of their starters. That team is simply not very good anymore, especially that passing defense, and we’ll be playing Sage or Tarvaris for at least the first half which is essentially like playing our once-potential starters against some opposing team’s scrubs. Unless Jackson aborts his career all over the field in a bloody stool mess then both of these guys should lead us to enough points for a W. But ah, Tarvaris Jackson. Most everyone, including myself, seems to think that this will be your last game ever in Vikings purple. And it very well may be. And if this does happen to be the case, please, don’t ever stop jump passing into the hearts of fans world wide, young sir. Keep your head locked staring down a receiver, your feet dancing, and your passes into the hands of opposing defenses. And watch the Vikings win a Super Bowl. In 2047. Fuck.
Enjoy the game. Leave your game thoughts in the comments and be the lucky prick that picks the surprising person to win a roster spot!
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